I made this account for advice. My bond with my mother has been quite rocky. My early memories of her are mostly me being scared of her shouting, hurting me or not knowing what to expect when I came home from school. My parents were also fighting a lot.

Our bond started to change when my father became an alcoholic when I started highschool. We found comfort in each other and vented our feelings. I gave her loads of advice on how to get away, made plans for better life for her, listened to her,... yet she stayed with my father and never took action to leave.

I started college and everything was still the same. I felt sorry for her and wanted her to have a better life.

This changed when we went on a family vacation and my boyfriend could join. My father made an effort to stay sober and have a good time as a family. My bf and I started to notice all the little things my mother does to create a fight. She belittles him, gives critique on everything and anything,... My bf and I were in shock. A few days into the vacation and my father started drinking again, and of course my mom could start wining about the drinking again (which is reasonable).

I knew she belittles people, she always did the same to me but I always gave her grace since she was in a difficult relationship. I often got called names or got hit, but when I brought it up later she ended up getting mad and made me feel guilty for speaking up or she ended up in tears and blamed the death of her brother years before I was born. Years pass, I still listen, give advice and feel sorry. She still doesn't follow my advice though. She did say she wants to break up to my father on Christmas Day, but still lives with him years later. Since all the fights between my parents, the stress from never knowing what to expect from my parents and other things were starting to weight on me, I went to a therapist. My therapist told me my mother is a grown woman and makes her own choices. That's when I realized I have the wrong role in our dynamic. I stopped giving advice, still listened but mostly answered that I could not help her and she had to take action if she wanted change.

Fast forward I graduated college, have a good job and live together with my boyfriend. My father is sober and our bond is distant but fine. We meet up occasionally and catch up.

My mother is however very angry that I have a bond with my father. I told her multiple times that I am a child to both and will always be. I told her to not talk to me about everything she thinks is wrong with my father since I gave her loads of advice and she should take action if she wants change. She snapped. She basically threw a tantrum on everything that I do wrong, that I don't understand her anymore and I shouldn't think it's okay what my father does to her (he's not violent, is sober and lets her live in the house after the break up so I don't know what she's talking about). She really tried to make feel guilty for taking care of myself. Now she wants to meet up in a parking lot to talk with me. I don't know what to do. I don't want to believe my mother has no good influence in my life, but all I feel is panic and stress when I have to meet up with her. I don't know what to say to her and I am scared she will snap again. Am I the AH for doubting if want her in my life?