I (38f) have been struggling lately with my decision to no longer be friends with my best friend (42f) because of her boyfriend. Sarah has been with Steve for almost 2 years now. Steve has a lot of issues and sarah feels like she can help him work through them but Steve doesn’t think he has anything to work on. Steve doesn’t drive, can’t hold a job, and has severe mental issues. He was in a bad accident when he was younger and it’s as if his brain has stayed that age. Steve also has a drinking problem and a drug problem. He’s never had anyone to care for him except his grandmother who has dementia who he takes advantage of.

The problem in our friendship started a couple of months after they started dating. Now I have never had a problem with him I just didn’t like the things he did. They came over to help me and my now husband re do my daughters room and they both were drinking and it got to the point that they were more worried about drinking then helping so we stopped and called it a day. Again no big deal slightly annoyed but whatever. Fast forward to April and it was my now husbands birthday and they both were suppose to come. Well the night before she called me panicking because she needed Steve’s old phone number. Someone had hacked Steve’s cash app and stole money from his grandma and if they couldn’t prove it wasn’t him they were going to arrest him. Well I never heard back from her that night so I called her the next morning to figure out what time she was coming only to be told she wasn’t coming. Steve admitted he did it and stole 600 dollars to blow of crack. So she couldn’t come because SHE had to find a rehab place for him. A couple of weeks later in my bridesmaids group chat we were talking about where to go for my bachelorette weekend. She was my maid of honor and she was reading everything and not responding. So I texted her and 6 hours later she’s telling me that she’s going though a lot right now ( she had to file for bankruptcy because she put herself in debt providing for Steve) and she just needed some space and time. Maybe I should’ve have done this but I took her out of my bridesmaids group chat. I was mad and upset because I didn’t do anything and she needed space from me?? She ended up texting my now husband and telling him that she no longer wanted to me in my wedding or anything.

Fast forward a couple of months and we are all cool again Steve is now being extremely disrespectful. Sarah is a big girl and that’s never affected her confidence at all, but he would say awful things to her. He would tell her to that she uses filters because she was fake. He would tell her to take full Body pictures and post them online so guys could see what she really looked like and how disgusting she was. He would tell her that he was the only guy that would ever love her for her. I didn’t like that he talked to her like that. One time She was on the way to go pick him up and she called me on the way and he kept calling her and she wouldn’t answer. She finally answered and she told him he was on the phone with me and she was on the way and he hung up on her. When she picked him up she got in the car and said f@$k that B@$&h. He did apologize but it was like what did I do. At this point I just tolerate him. I don’t trash talk him and i don’t tell her she should leave him because that’s her decision.

The final blew was at the end of December. Now she is at her wits end with him because she paying for him and she considers him her child. He was been in and out of the hospital for a week now because he is so sick. And she’s barely getting any sleep because she’s at work and then running him to the hospital. She was helping him set things up on his phone and his friend texted him about how drugs. She read the messages and this man has been smoking crack for weeks now and hiding it. He would was panhandling for money to by crack. She lost her mind on him and took him home and I really thought that was the end of him but nope I was wrong. She was so hurt at the thought of leaving him and she couldn’t do it. I supported her choice until he started texting me tell me I was taking up all sarah’s time because all I wanted was attention and I needed to respect his time with her and not call her so much(at this point we talk like twice a week). He called my husband a bunch of names and everything. Sarah got pissed and stayed made about the whole thing for like a week and you know it was whatever. The part I snapped at was my husband and I like to go visit her family. We are all pretty close and my husband is like a son to them.( my husband and sarah use to date and have been broken up for like 10 years) Sarah was planning on going over the same day but told me she wasn’t coming because my husband and I can’t be around steve. So I told her since steve caused the issue she should take him home. She said she wasn’t going to do that because it wasn’t fair to Steve and I lost my mind. I reminded her of all the things he has done and said and she told me that she could say the same things about my husband which confuses me. We fight but we don’t degrade each other or do drugs. I think I called Steve every name in the book and that was it.

After a could of days went by I reached out and apologized about the things I said about him. I told her that I didn’t like they way he treated her and treated her friends and that I believe they only way our friendship would work is if we don’t talk about Steve or my husband and that we could talk when Steve wasn’t around and we could hang out when Steve wasn’t there. I got nothing back. I did reach out again to make sure she got my message and she did let me know she got it. Now here we are in April and we haven’t talked since Jan and I reached out to her a couple of days ago wanting to talk. She never responded and she ended up calling my husband to ask a question about an Xbox. He asked her if I was blocked and she told him I wasn’t blocked and she got my message but she wasn’t trying to add anymore stress to her life and we just have different views on things. It makes me sad but now I have to know was I wrong for it all? Am I the asshole?