Context: 30F married to 35M. We met and lived in Singapore, moved back to India last year for his job and other reasons. I was laid off in 2023 and initially stayed in Singapore on a dependent pass, but moved to India for him mainly. Now, he lives in City A for work, and I live in City B with my sister and her in-laws as I couldn't find a suitable job in City A. My parents are in City C.

Health Update: My health has been poor since returning to India. I've had grade 3 internal hemorrhoids for 3-4 years with occasional flare-ups. For the past 5 weeks, the bleeding became severe, leading to anemia and debilitating headaches, dizziness, and insomnia. A blood test confirmed the anemia, and the doctor recommended a hemorrhoidectomy with a potentially difficult recovery, along with iron IV infusions and blood transfusion.

Immediate Situation: My sister and her family are on a 2-week vacation, and given my health, I decided to travel to City A for treatment as my parents would be too stressed to care for me in City C (regretting the latter).

Incidents:

1. My husband's mom suggested he pick me up from City B. He got angry at her for saying it, worried it would cause issues between us. He eventually asked if I needed him to come, and I said I could manage but it would be helpful if he had time. He did fly down for my iron IV infusion (which I was going to attend alone and was advised by the health professional and family not to) and brought me back to City A. He argued with his mom about it, and I asked him to apologize as she had a valid point based on what her husband would have done for her in a similar situation.
2. We met their family doctor in City A three days after I arrived. I wanted to go sooner, but my husband wanted me to try Ayurveda first (something that helped his mother previously). Despite knowing surgery was likely my only option after years of trying everything, and being in my fifth week of heavy bleeding, I agreed to appease him and his mother. The family doctor confirmed the need for surgery soon and suggested we decide on the location (his clinic wasn't suitable for an overnight stay). He prescribed medication to reduce the bleeding and advised surgery within a week.
3. A couple of days passed, and my MIL was the one actively searching for surgeons. I became upset and told my husband I didn't feel he was prioritizing my health. His poor mum shouldn't have to do everything for me, right from cooking bland meals to caring for me. He had a busy work week (apparently every week is since he has taken on the role of a lead but does all the work himself including on weekends), prepping for a visit from a leader at his construction tools company where he's a product manager lead. I struggle to understand how this could be more important than my urgent health issue.
4. After I expressed my feelings, his mother found some doctors, and I went to an appointment with her as my husband couldn't make it due to a meeting. The new doctor recommended a hemorrhoideopexy, a slightly different surgery with a potentially faster recovery. I coordinated the date, meds, and insurance. At the hospital for admission, the admin wasn't sure about the private room I'd confirmed. My husband said it seemed unavailable. I asked him to call the coordinator to resolve it, and he got annoyed at me for telling him what to do, even though it felt like I was pushing him to do the bare minimum.
5. I had the surgery. It took two hours instead of one, and I was in post-op for three hours because my room wasn't ready. My husband was there to comfort me initially when i returned to the room, but returned to work on his laptop a little later. The next two days were brutal. Two days after the surgery he went to the office for a full day to give a presentation, telling colleagues it was a "minor surgery." I had complications and severe pain. His mother stayed with me that day. I needed an MRI and CT scan due to extreme tailbone pain and they were discussing a potential re-surgery. Being severely claustrophobic, the 40-minute MRI alone in the machine was terrifying, and I was in tears, he gave me all the comfort I needed by holding my hand above my head. Afterwards, he made light of my claustrophobia, and I had to explain why it wasn't okay. I asked him why he struggles to empathize, feeling he sometimes needs to experience similar things to understand. He took offense to the last part asking me why I would ever wish that for him, instead of addressing that he shouldn't have said what he said to begin with.
6. My mother and sisters reached out to him frequently as I had limited phone access and energy. He told me they were being rude and questioning his efforts. When I read the messages, they were actually apologetic for messaging often. Also, my mother found out from his mother that he wasn't at the hospital one of the days after my surgery and was most likely upset but didn't say much to him directly. I told him that if I had a daughter, I would expect her husband to be there for her during such a time and would be upset if he prioritized work, and he should feel the same about his own daughter someday. He said it's between us, parents shouldn't have a say in this. While I agree parents shouldn't have a say in most things once you're married, worrying about your child's health isn't one of those.
7. Discharge was delayed by 12 hours due to issues with my corporate insurance, we had to stay at the hospital till 11:00pm instead of leaving at 11:00am. I was in immense pain and had to constantly push him to speak to billing and doctors to expedite the process. He made me feel bad throughout this. My tone might not have been the best due to the pain, but I don't understand the lack of basic empathy for someone recovering from surgery.

I admit I've been very irritable due to the pain and discomfort. Headaches, fatigue, constant tailbone pain making it hard to sit or walk, and nausea have been relentless. I was rude quite a few times and said mean things too. Moreover my period arrived early, one day after the surgery, which made things even worse.

While my husband shows love in other ways, this experience has made me seriously question my decision to marry him. He's been snappy and gets annoyed at my tone without considering my situation. I would never prioritize work over his health during a surgery. Working in the hospital room and preparing presentations for a marketing job feels incomprehensible to me in this situation. Especially for a job he has been looking to quit. And we're okay financially, even if he quits his job, I have mine and so does his sister.

AITAH for expecting more support and empathy from my husband during this difficult time?