I 24(F) have been with my boyfriend (M)26 for 11 months on the 6th..

A tad bit of back story when I was 9-13 I was r@ped and mol3sted by a family member..

At the age of 16 I lost my virginity to a very deserving and trust worthy young man😌

At the age of 17 1/2 I was with a 27 year old her!ne addict who introduced me to the world of men that beat on women… During the almost year I was with him he laced a blizzy with her!ne and had me unknowingly smoke it. I was then hooked on pills which made it easy for him to do what he did… Without going into gruesome detail he would get me all strung out and allow 2-6 of his friends have their way with me. Some of it conscious, some not….

By about 18 1/2 I had gotten away from him (After he beat me and SAed me so bad I was hospitalized for 2 weeks) but after I got away from him I met my ex..

On my 19th bday he asked me out (he was 32 shoulda saw it coming) also a pedo but didn’t disclose that information with the 19yo he was trying to sink his claws into… anywho 4.5 years of SA, Grape and domestic abuse from him starting about 3 months in so Jan 2020-July 2024(I went thru so much hell with him I’m currently waiting on a grand jury indictment for life in prison)

Fast forward to today… when I met my current bf we will call him “Axle”.. when we started dating he seemed to have so much sexual respect for me, he wouldn’t look at me while I was naked, he ALWAYS asked for consent more then once before proceeding while checking in during the act that I was still feeling it.. he wasn’t overbearing with how much he wanted sex from me I THOUGHTTT because he knew of my past. TURNSSS OUTTT he had been getting nudes from other girls and spending more then I made in a 40hr work week check on OF girls and that’s why I started to feel like it wasn’t sexual respect it was him not being attracted to me..

Well we talked about it all and we both have become more sexually open with each other. It’s opened up new things for him as I am more sexually experienced than he is.

Now real quick, I’m very experienced meaning I’ve explored ALOT of different things so I know my likes and my “absolutely never”s.. I’m also a type of girlfriend most men only DREAM of having and I say that VERY lightly because I have very low confidence, I have 0 self love and I’m not self conceded at all HOWEVER I’m bisexual and enjoy an occasional extra set of Tatas in the mix if you catch my drift. 😉 I also have a kink of seeing my man flirt with another female orr even f**k someone else.. I offer a lot of room for experimenting, I am VERY open and will try anything ONCE as long as it’s not something I have tried and already know I don’t like but even then if I love you enough and feel safe and respected fully I might be willing to retry something I previously tried. I put actual time into taking nudes with edits and such, I allow for any videos he desires.. I allow and often times encourage porn usage during intimacy…

Now this is where idk if I’m the asshole… Because of the time and effort I put into my nudes and videos/also allowing him to take any pic or video he wants and ngl I have severe body dysmorphia and HATE my body therefore I get very insecure about OVER usage of porn. Lemme be clear on that I do NOT get mad that he uses porn cuz I do too.. however when he choose porn over me it makes me upset..

I struggle with mental health and have diagnosed boarderline personality disorder so sometimes my libido is VERY low and I’m not in the mood for a few days. (These are times I wouldn’t be upset if I found him using porn) however sometimes I’ll be in a good mood and we’ll get to spicy sexting while he’s at work agreeing to a sexual encounter when he arrives home but sometimes I get too in my head and change my mind about it… Just yesterday it happened and before I expressed it to him that I might not be in the mood when he gets him I was feeling so guilty about no longer being in the mood or changing my mind that I thought about not saying anything and just pleasing him anyway… I then felt fear because I didn’t want to make him mad or ruin the good mood he was in by crushing his expectations for when he got home…

When I told him how I was feeling he said stuff along the lines “it’s frustrating to ask you for nudes expecting to come home to sex only to realize talking about it with you put you in your head and now you don’t want to” “Well I’m not gonna lie and say I’m not bummed out but it’s not the end of the world babe” And I’ve told him that I already feel a weight as heavy as Thor’s hammer on my shoulders for not being in the mood or changing my mind! For him to physically express he’s bummed out not only by telling me he was annoyed but he also just changes his demeanor… he’s not as lovey dovey, he’ll send me videos and watch my videos he gets, he’ll be all giggly and and happy but once he realizes sex is off the table he goes into a “I’m not feeling very loved lately and like I’m attractive to you… I’ve been a failure lately” blah blah blah all that fun shit. And it makes me feel bad for saying no!

AITAH for telling him I feel like he’s taking advantage of me and using me not considering my emotional state or needs…? Because I feel like a horrible person and it hurts my heart to hear him said “I’ve basically SAed you if you didn’t want to have sex but did it anyway, I’m such a piece of shit” and hits himself in the head🤦🏼‍♀️
I’m such an empath that the thought of making someone feel badly for the way they made me feel by expressing my discomforts makes me sick to my stomach 🥺