Hello reddit, This is a heavy one. Trigger warning: I will be talking about child sexual abuse (CSA)

To understand my dilemma you need some background, and I'll try to be as short and concise as I can.

My father has been a womanizing, underachieving man-child for his entire life. My Mom was a mental I'll alcoholic, but at least she didn't start drinking until after I was born, so I came out the womb okay. They divorced when I was eight years old and my Mom found the perfect substitute for my father when it came to her bed: ME

Yep. Well, to be fair, she started when I was a toddler I think, and she did insist on giving me baths until I was 9 and no, it does not take five minutes to clean a little boy's privates. But once I was in her bed, it got a lot worse.

My father's response! Anger at my Mom for moving me to her bed, but zero concern that something inappropriate could be going on. But then again, it was the 90s and then even more than now society gave women predators a pass.

And of course I was put into a special ed school because it's kinda hard to concentrate on reading, writing, and arithmetic when you're wondering if your Mom is gonna rape you that night. So I was misdiagnosed with dyslexia.

ངས་རང་ཉིད་ལ་སློབ་ཁྲིད་བྱས་བོད་སྐད :Translation; I taught myself standard Tibetan, not fluent but I speak and read more than 99.9% of native English speakers. I guess that it's safe to say I was indeed misdiagnosed.

Anyway, her drinking and drug abuse got even worse. It was a combination of that and my turning 11 and starting to become too old to interest her anymore, that she agreed to let my father get custody of me.

She died a few years ago, alone and broken by addiction

My father never did shit to get me out of that school and I didn't get a proper education and suffered for it as a result. And my father was a drunken womanizing man-child...but he never beat me and never raped me, and he did feed and cloth me.

But at the same time, he charged me rent the moment I got my first part time job at age 16, mostly because he was had a kid by a hoochie and needed to pay child support, and he never offered me any guidance or real fathering.

He also smoked, drank, refused to exercise and ate a pound of salt a day and laughed when I told him it would all kill him.

Well, now I'm 41 and guess who has heart failure and needs his son to take care of him? My Dad.