This post is actually a follow up to a recent question I asked, I can provide more context if needed. Bear with me, this is a pretty long post.

I recently decided to go no contact with my older brother and sister in law. I did so at the risk of not having a relationship with my young niece whom I adore and have been questioning whether or not I made the right decision, because although I felt I needed to do this - the guilt is eating me alive.

So my brother is in a domestic violence relationship. It took me awhile to see the signs because domestic abuse signs are not easily recognized and less acknowledged in men and is often overlooked as marital or relationship issues; men are also less likely to admit they are being abused, come forward even if they have admitted it to close friends or relatives or seek resources and ask for help.

(Sorry it sounds like a pamphlet on domestic abuse, and not to make light of the situation either- I just learned all this information myself, and there are statistics to support the information regarding this)

My brother has been with his partner for roughly 7 years. My family has tolerated her, and provided resources for them and a place to stay when they were struggling after having a child. Even when her own family went no contact with her and provided no support or assistance when my niece was born. I don’t understand much about her family dynamic and of course every family has their issues, but my sister in law kind of seems to be winning the, “which-partner-has-the-most-toxic-family-dynamic” competition between her and my brother. My family has its share of troubles for sure, but my sister in law’s family has made me grateful for my own. Trust me, both sides of my family are fucking insane and I don’t say that endearingly. Both sides of my family have a history of sexual abuse, drug/ alcohol abuse, child neglect, etc. My brother and I swore when we became adults we would break the cycle.

He’s been struggling lately, he has a disability, he’s unemployed and obviously struggling financially. He’s depressed, he does his best, but cannot provide my niece with basic necessities like clothing, extracurricular activities, a safe environment, etc. They have a stable housing situation in place, but I say that it’s an unsafe environment due to the domestic violence.

This has been going on for quite some time now. Roughly 3-4 years. It took me awhile to recognize the signs and I recently spilled everything regarding this situation to my own partner, who helped me realize that what is going on is indeed domestic violence. My entire family has been aware of this situation and not once in 4 years has anyone used this term to describe what has been going on. Nor have I ever fully discussed the details with anyone outside of immediate family.

So my brother and his wife argue a lot. They are both unemployed and they also have disabilities and struggle with meeting their own and their child’s basic needs. That alone is enough to cause anyone stress, which I attributed their marital issues to, and figured they could use additional resources and support to figure it out. Like I said I’m willing to provide more context, but I was not the only relative aware of the situation and providing financial support and assistance.

Why they didn’t decide to get jobs despite their struggles.. I’m not quite sure. My belief is that they became comfortable with government assistance and relying on others for support. Their comfort and lack of respect towards the people who consistently offered support to them is what made me decide to go no contact. It had gotten to a point where I felt that the consistent support they received created an environment where they almost felt entitled to receive it. When they were told “NO” instead of people making excuses for no longer supporting them, it was met with backlash and disrespectful comments on their end. That was my limit and it may seem punitive in a sense, but I felt that my brother needed to feel my absence in order to value me more.

Well, over the years the arguments him and his partner had escalated once they moved out and lived in their own apartment. The apartment was often in a state of squalor. Not having resources would result in laundry being piled sky high. They receive government assistance so there was always food available, but not really much else. Hardly any cleaning supplies, toilet paper, basic house necessities. I also can’t really say that all the financial assistance they were receiving went to those things each time either. I’m not quite sure where the money went if I’m being honest. (FYI it did NOT go to drug/alcohol use in case someone is curious. I only state it because a relative asked a similar question.)

Each time arguments between them escalated, in the beginning either my brother or my sister in law would reach out to my parents. My parents were kind of indifferent towards their situation and were only concerned with the safety of my niece and each time I was tasked with going to her rescue. Because I was mainly tasked with going to my niece’s rescue I witnessed things that others in my family did not. I would witness my brother and his wife hurl insults at each other and say things you wouldn’t even utter to a stranger in a street fight. My brother would never put his hands on a woman, but that didn’t stop my sister in law from putting her hands on him. She would often break things (things that they needed that I or my family provided) in their apartment. She has hit my brother on multiple occasions in my presence and has attempted to exacerbate his disability. My brother has a vision disability and he would be hit in his head or near his eye. I would come over and often my niece would be scared, crying somewhere in the apartment in a room by herself and I would take her and keep her for several days until things boiled over. Each time I witnessed these things, I documented it and shared it with my relatives. I did not get the police nor ACS involved.

My brother would often have cuts, scratches, marks, bleeding, and also be verbally insulted and threatened with other things as well. His wife would call the police on him regularly and threaten to tell the police that he was physically violent towards her despite him being the one with marks. She would threaten to take my niece and leave him, telling him that she would get full custody and he wouldn’t see her if she did. She would also tell relatives in her family that he was physically violent towards her despite it not being true in a misguided effort to sic her family on my brother. My niece, being a toddler at the time witnessed all of it and would often take to hitting her mother in defense of my brother (her father) when physical violence would occur.

After things cooled down and I would reluctantly bring my niece back to her parents, I would try to have a conversation with my brother about the abuse. I would urge him to let relatives take his daughter for awhile, I would try to get him to leave as well and stay with myself or my parents, or at least go to couples therapy to attempt to create a safer environment for my niece. Each time he would downplay the severity of the incident and his injuries and say that he said hurtful things as well and say that he loved his wife and wanted to work things out. There was nothing I could do or say to convince him to walk away. So coming to my niece’s rescue became a regular occurrence.

Over time things just escalated more and more and it became too much. It didn’t matter if I had work the following day and it was 3am, if my brother and his wife were arguing I would drop everything and fly over to their apartment to get my niece. My brother continued to make excuses for her each time and the cycle continued. Eventually after trying and failing to convince my brother to seek help, I wasn’t sure what to do. My family became tired of the song and dance with my brother and his wife constantly fighting and trying to de-escalate. The same issues they had surrounding unemployment and financial difficulties, their health issues regarding their disabilities, and lack of being able to care for themselves and their child worsened over time. They were eventually evicted and now live in public housing.

My partner became tired of hearing me vent about this situation and we would often be spending time together when I would get repeated phone calls from either my brother or sister in law and fly over there to help. My partner became concerned and asked me why I - out of my entire family felt responsible for this task, and truth be told I didn’t really have a response. I just felt like if I didn’t do it who will? My brother and I grew up in an environment where we witnessed domestic abuse and I’m familiar with that feeling that my niece has of being small, scared and powerless. I always felt that if my brother couldn’t do anything to provide a safe environment, just by proximity living closest to my brother I would assume responsibility of my niece and bring her somewhere safe. It’s what I wish someone had done for us when we were younger and knowing that I now can help a child, but especially my niece, I have never hesitated to do so. My partner told me he respected and admired that I would do anything to try and help each time, but expressed to me that I was lacking boundaries and that unfortunately it wasn’t enough to help the situation anyway. He told me it was like covering the floor in towels when the house is flooding. He also helped me realize that what my brother was going through was indeed domestic violence and abuse.

Over time countless relatives, some whom were aware of the situation and others who weren’t, expressed the same feelings and concerns for my brother regarding his marriage. Even without them having the context I have and witnessing the things I witnessed, they all became aware that tensions were heightened and my brother’s overall wellbeing appeared heavily diminished. I shared with my brother that everyone is concerned for him and that he needs to get out of this situation now. If not for himself, then for my niece’s sake. It was met with extreme hostility, contempt and stinging insults. It was painful to me that his attempt was to hurt my feelings after all I have done and tried to do for him. In addition, now that majority of my family has become aware of the situation, and have also learned that I was present when domestic abuse and violence was occurring - I am being blamed for the situation persisting for this long. They are also upset because I did not engage in the physical violence and fight my sister in law in defense of my brother. I have tried to explain to them that my primary concern was and always is the safety of my niece and engaging in physical conflict would only have made the situation worse each time, but they are not very understanding.

I have since gone no contact with my brother because I am unable to overlook the things he’s said to try and hurt me. I was told by relatives that what my brother has said to me is not really about me and that he is in a very low place and I should put my feelings to the side and attempt to help him. Not to make this about me and my feelings, but I don’t necessarily say things I don’t mean out of anger. I am a person that lets things build up until I say something that I’ve been harboring for quite some time. So when I say something to someone that I am aware of could potentially hurt their feelings or irreparably damage our relationship, I apologize for how I said what was said - not necessarily that I said it. Because I could’ve chosen my words better and expressed my feelings in a way that did not have to result in harm being done. So it is hard for me to understand that my brother did not mean the things he said to hurt my feelings despite all that has been done. Given the resources, time and energy expended on helping him, I have decided to set a boundary and take some space for myself to reset.

More family members have stepped in to help since learning of his circumstances and have offered support outside of monetary assistance. They’ve offered to help him find and gain employment, provided resources for assistance with his disability and have also been sharing responsibility to help provide my niece with basic necessities and even extra curricular activities and get counseling for her as well. I haven’t had contact with my brother or sister in law to know for sure, but I have been told from several relatives that my brother isn’t necessarily out of the woods regarding his mental health and wellbeing, but that he has taken the first steps to getting help. I want nothing but the best for him and to see him thrive and be happy. My brother is my best friend and I haven’t recognized or liked the person he’s become since marrying my sister in law. I can’t place all the blame on her, but I am not able to forgive my brother at the moment. I need more than words to really, truly be able to have him in my life again. I need him to demonstrate that he is capable of being financially independent, caring for his own and his daughter’s needs without fully relying on other people to do so. I don’t need him to have it fully figured out, but I need him to at least have acted on making changes that can help permanently improve his situation.

Thank you for reading if you made it this far, feel free to leave any questions you may have and I’ll ask again.. AITAH for going no contact with my brother?