Throw away because she knows my Reddit.

I (15F) have been best friends with Lily (16F) for 8 years, fake name ofc. During that time we've been inseparable, having experienced many big life events together, and I've always viewed her like the sibling I never had.

Recently at a sleepover, I had my first kiss on a dare, with Lily. The joke initially was that it was only to help get the taste out of her mouth from her ex. I'm openly aro-ace which she knows, and I thought nothing of the kiss at the time. Seeing it only as a way to get over something that was becoming increasingly more embarrassing to have never done. Not that I think it IS bad to never have kissed someone, more so just that I'm not sure when, If ever, I'll find someone I want to be in a relationship with so I took my opportunity when I could and I'm glad it was with someone I trust so deeply.

We kissed once more that night as a joke as well, however, that's where the problem started. After I kissed Lily the second time I noticed that she started cuddling and acting more flirty towards me throughout the rest of the night. I'm worried that she interpreted the first kiss as more than I did, still vulnerable from her breakup, and that I'm the asshole for leading her on with the second kiss when I don't feel the same.

At the time I hoped that her new affection was only a result of the thrill of the moment, but in the multiple times we've hung out since she has continuously brought up the idea of kissing me again. I've shut down any more kissing, but admittedly haven't done as much to stop the flirting which I feel bad for. I know it's wrong, it was just nice to feel wanted and to be able to join a topic of conversation I'm normally excluded from.

Recently though I've learned that there's a guy who likes Lily, and I'm worried that I'm holding her back from being with someone, actually, romantically interested in her when I don't feel the same. I talked with another one of my friends about it and she said I'm not the asshole because I can't control how Lily feels, but I'm worried I'm just leading her along and if I'd never kissed her she never would've felt this way about me.

I'm very aware this probably sounds very immature and stupid, but it's really tearing me up inside right now and I don't know how to handle it without hurting our friendship.