Am I the ass hole for breaking off a relationship of almost 10 years in light of my partners overall poor energy?

I’m not really sure where to start. I have trouble going to almost anyone for advice. I have friends, but I never let people get too close, personally. So here goes nothing. Also, this is probably going to be long. Feel free to bow out at any point. I don’t expect many (if any) to make it all the way through this. I’ve been, or was (I guess), in a relationship for the better part of a decade with (let’s call her M) for almost 7 years now. Full disclosure, my partner & I are lesbian, not sure that matters. But. I guess just so the story makes sense.

Anyways, I identify as lesbian & am not very feminine to begin with. My partner is very feminine & identifies as pansexual, although she’s only ever dated men & women. We met in 2018 at the end of June on a dating app & were in a relationship by August of 2018. When we first met, she had just turned 24 & I was soon to be 25. We are now 30, soon to be 31 & I, 31 a matter of months to be 32. We’ve been through a lot together, homelessness, multiple moves across state lines, periods where her or I were not working( meaning we supported each other), family deaths, COVID, etc. You get the picture, I hope anyway. At the current time, I work full time to support us. I work overtime basically every week to try to keep up with the bills in this expensive ass world we live in. We live in the city, in a 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment. M goes to nursing school full time at the current moment & does not help financially at all, whatsoever. She doesn’t even have a good financial support system. If she’s ever in a pinch, she doesn’t have family willing to help her like I do. I fund her entire life & have for some time now. She started going to school in the summer, in June of 2023 & stoped working in October that same year. I pay her rent, food, utilities, school supplies. I paid for her uniforms that are required for nursing clinical’s, as well as for the expensive ass Nike shoes she wanted for them. I paid for her stethoscope (they aren’t cheap, look it up if you don’t believe me) her pulse reader, blood pressure cup, etc. M is a very materialistic person, she wears expensive make up, she uses expensive toiletries, she has a subscription to scent bird for fuck sakes. She’s not cheap, I’m not sure if I’m making myself clear.

Anywayyyys again. We had an agreement, I pay for everything, she keeps up with the apartment. There are various exceptions, I’m very particular about laundry & how it’s done. So I do all of our laundry, she’ll help me put it in the dryer from time to time if I forget or don’t have time. & she’ll often help me fold, although she is horrible at hanging shirts up & putting clothes away. They will literally stay on the couch or ottoman until one of our pets has knocked them over or they are covered in pet hair. I also take trash out often, & I clean up after myself obviously, she’s not my slave. I make sure I always put my dirty clothes in the hampers, put away hair products, deodorant, etc. in the morning when I’m getting ready for work.

I try my hardest to be fair. M doesn’t keep up with our apartment often, & typically cites being tired or having too much homework to do so. It’s often an argument & it’s one of the biggest issues in our relationship to date. & it makes me feel used. & not supported or appreciated to say the least. I’ve been at my currently place of employment for about 7 months now, I’ve called out v few times, my attendance is over 96%. Any time my boss has asked to work an extra day, or come in to cover someone’s shift. I’ve said yes. & typically work a minimum of 45 hours a week, not crazy OT. But I pay my bills & someone else’s obviously. You know, my job is immensely physical work. I don’t eat when I’m there, sometimes 10 hours a day. & I’ve never called out because I was too tired. & that’s what it feels like when she makes these excuses. Like my job is to pay the bills, yours is to go to school (pass), & support our home. I’m not asking for immaculate, unachievable cleanliness. But M will let dishes sit in the sink for weeks, she’ll see the trash is full, & take the bag out & put it on the kitchen floor. That one makes me particularly crazy, because 15 ft from the staircase of our 2nd floor apartment. Is the friggen dumpsters for our building. We live maybe 10 feet from our staircase. It’s absolutely not a long walk, at all. Nor is the trash ever too heavy for her to carry.

My next issue, we have to backtrack into our relationship for a little. Actually to even before our relationship began. M was in two serious relationships before we met, both of her partners cheated. & she carried a lot of that pain into our relationship, & I gather she’s probably never learned how to trust. As I genuinely don’t feel she has ever trusted me. I tried my hardest to help build that trust, after making the poor decision to allow her to surpass the limitations of my boundaries for years. For example, I’ve always been ok with my partners having the passcode to my phone. She would constantly be going through it, almost every inch. There wasn’t a sacred space in my phone. I had no privacy, whatsoever. She had my location by phone, & it was only supposed to be for emergencies. But she watches my location, constantly. & she’ll make accusations if she thinks anything I’ve said about my whereabouts doesn’t coincide with my location.

Once, my phone claimed I was across the street from my job. It caused a giant riff. & I swear, to actual Jesus, I was at work the whole time. Also M would dissect all of my conversations, almost as though she was looking for something to be upset about. It got to the point where I just stopped texting people & talking to them on social media. She made me feel as though all of my relationships with my friends, especially females were inappropriate. I went to a lot of high schools back in the day, I know a lot of people. If a females friend resurfaces that I haven’t talked to in a while, I get the third degree. “Who is she? Have you guys ever dated or talked?” It’s honestly. Really uncomfortable & honestly. It’s kind of annoying at this point. I used to always answer honestly. & the fact of the matter is, most females in my life are just friends. & I haven’t had a “thing” with them or dated them. I hate the stigma that gay people or lesbians are so overly sexual they can’t be friends with the gender they’re attracted to. It’s an unfair bias & beside that. It makes her look & sound immensely insecure. & I can’t stand it anymore. I can’t have female friends basically.

Not long ago, I reconnected with an old friend from high school who just so happens to be a lesbian. We have never done anything sexual or had any romantic interest in each other whatsoever, & I’ve known her for 15 years. But M couldn’t stop insisting that we couldn’t be “just friends”. & it actually drove me mad, to the point that I got so frustrated. I was probably a little bit mean, which only incited her to say that I could only be getting that frustrated because I must be lying. & “people only get frustrated at accusations” & react angrily when they’re being dishonest. Like… actually. You’re just driving me bat shit crazy. It got to the point where I changed my passcode, & would no longer allow her the code. Her obsession with my interactions w any female in my life, has to stop. & I couldn’t keep feeding into it. I know it for bad when she started using my face to unlock my phone, while I was sleeping. & she’d obviously not find anything wrong in my phone. As I wasn’t doing anything. But there’d be times where she’d accuse me of deleting things, or she would just downright not say anything. & I’d have to figure out she was tampering with my phone by other means. Notifications missing from Home Screen, messages open, etc. This behavior disturbs me, it frustrates me. & it makes me react with hostility. I know this might sound cliche, but I feel like a caged animal.

Another issue I consider to be huge, but is easy to establish is the level of spite M reaches when she no longer feels she’s in control or she isn’t getting her way. She gets spiteful, downright nasty. Like she says horrible things. I know I’ve stared at some point in this, I can be a jerk when I start to get frustrated. But it takes a good minute to come out, even when I do feel like I’m being prodded emotionally. I don’t mean to justify my actions. They aren’t ok. But to M, it almost feels like it’s second nature to her. & it honestly doesn’t compute in my head that these are the actions of someone who genuinely loves me..

& what I consider to be my final nail in the coffin issue.. she’s immensely codependent. She wants to spend any minute I’m not working together, she wants me to call her for all of my breaks, even though for my line of work. I get few short breaks, often only a matter of minutes long. & sometimes I work 10 hours in a day, sometimes I don’t want to talk. I’d like to just scroll social media, or hang out with a coworker. Or just do nothing, but enjoy the silence alone. She wants me to call her on my drive home from work. & she’ll often check the clock out sheet that I arrive home from work with everyday, to see if my hours line up with when I physically told her I clocked out. & she’s absolutely not afraid to say something if she thinks I’m lying. Once I took ten minutes to grab my belongings from work & grab some food to go from a restaurant next door. & I wasn’t texting while all of this happened. I’m not joking, 10 minutes to respond. & she was calling me upset that I wasn’t “communicating”. & I keep telling M that this isn’t healthy. Especially after the amount of time we have been together, that it’s ok for us to have friends & make plans to do things separately. I hate how much couples talk about “completing each other”. Or how they’re each other’s “world’s”. I always tell M the same thing “I don’t want to be your world. I’d just like to exist in it, to share the good, the bad, & the ugly.” But I’m guessing that’s not what she’s searching for? If it is, I’m then assuming her insecurities won’t allow her to live like so.

I know I just spent a lot of time, talking about my partner’s faults. But, I do also want to add. I’m not perfect, I haven’t always made the best choices out of anger & frustration. & I’ve learned a lot being in this relationship. Especially about “reactive abuse”, which I fully believe I experienced in my this relationship. I’m not a psychologist, nor am I educated in this field. But as per nationallegalservice.co.uk, “Reactive abuse happens when a victim of abuse reacts to that abuse in a way which could include physical violence or shouting of their own.” Although my relationship was never physically abusive, it was very much so mentally & verbally abusive. & the emotional anguish became apparent. I was, metaphorically speaking, backed into a corner & my anger would hit peek level after a while. & it just became a vicious cycle, that I realized I had to break.

Lastly. I will also say, things have been hard to break off because I am so comfortable with M. Damn near 7 years with someone, it’s hard not to be. When she’s not being an emotional tyrant, M is my best friend. We can have so much fun together, or at least we used to. We’ve traveled so much, she’s met essentially all of my family (who approve of her). & it’s really just hard to imagine life without her by my side.