Backstory/Context:

For the last five or so years, I(27F) have been my mother's (50F) primary caregiver. She was first diagnosed with stage 3 COPD 5 years ago and had to start doing oxygen therapy. She was a heavy smoker and did not change that after diagnosis, so it made it worse pretty quickly. I ended up living with her, my 2 kids, and my husband. My husband was a truck driver for a few years so it was mainly mom, my kids, and me at home I worked for a while before it got too overwhelming and so I stopped to focus on her and the kids. 

My mom had 3 total kids, an older half-brother who only visited a few times growing up and ended up in prison. I was the middle child who had severe health issues that my mom fought hard to take care of to keep me alive. Lastly, my younger sibling had a strained relationship with mom due to later coming out as trans and becoming mom’s second daughter. My mom wasn’t completely against trans or gays, but she did have some views about it that caused a rift between my sister and her. My sister ended up moving far far away around the time mom had started getting sick. 

Due to my mom's COPD, the doctors refused to biopsy a spot they later found on her lungs. They wanted to watch to see if it grew before doing anything about it. It never did, but she got so much sicker that finally, they did a test only to find out she had been living with a MAC infection for years by that time. That was a little over a year ago now. They had waited so long that her lungs were inoperable in her condition and the special antibiotics did nothing but kind of hold it off from growing too fast. With the antibiotics, she was able to live a little longer.

Her care got so bad that I had to give her medication every hour, day and night. She could not bathe herself, had to have help to use her potty chair, and was on continuous oxygen. For the last 5 months of her life, she lived on Hospice with me doing everything myself and a nurse visiting weekly, later daily. Occasionally I could get my husband to give me a break for sleep or even my grandmother (her mother) or her ex-husband who she still loved dearly but he had issues with addiction. 

I went half insane taking care of her. We even had some fights due to me needing time to rest, eat, shower, etc. but she was so scared and anxious that all she ever wanted was me. Even when her mama was there she called me to calm her down and help her. Basically I went from daughter to mother for her. She was like my child in the end and it was so difficult and painful to watch and endure the suffering with her. She was terrified to die. 

Might be an AH:

She died a few days ago now. My grandmother and I had to sign off together on her cremation. We had to lie about other siblings because my half-brother is in prison and my sister was very far away. However, my sister just got into town yesterday. My sister wants to take all of our mom’s ashes, and I don’t agree with that. We should split them equally. So, I told her that I would let her know when they came in and send them to her or she could travel back to get them. I plan to take my half and give her the rest. I lied and told her it would take a month or longer for them to finish the cremation and get her back to us because my sister is only in town for a few days. If they come in before I plan to wait until she’s gone to pick them up and get my half. We did not have a service for her, but my grandmother and I are planning a Celebration of Life for about a month later. I did not tell my sister because she has a bad habit of making things about her. She’s very dramatic. In fact, since she’s been here all she has done is cry about how much she loved our mom and how close they were and if I even try to mention my relationship with mom, she finds some way to overshadow it or make it about herself. 

Example: I say something about how hard it was for me to watch Mom die as I took care of her. Sister cries about how she just couldn’t be here to help her and how upset she is over it. (She was informed weeks ago that mom was about to die, and she needed to visit but waited to visit until after she died.) My sister rarely talked to Mom or checked on her. I always had to contact her to let her know what was happening with Mom and she usually just said that it sucked and moved on. My sister held a grudge over Mom for mispronouncing her pronouns after becoming trans and for not agreeing with her about it. However, in the end when mom was delusional and barely alive, she asked to speak to BOTH her daughters and called my sister she and by her trans name so that goes to show my mom was accepting her she just needed time to get there. 

Extra info: This was very hard on me. My mom fought for my life as a child when i was dying but try as I might I couldn’t save hers. I have only ever lived away from my mom for about 5 years in my 27 years. We were always close. Also, the day my mom was admitted and diagnosed with the MAC infection was the day that my 3-month-old newborn died from SIDS. January 25th, 2024. So I lost a child and now my mother a year later. My husband whom I have been with since 15 years old, also lost his grandfather 4 days after our baby died and his grandmother in January this year. I was not super close with them, but they were also my family. So, in 2 years, we had 4 significant losses. 

Also: My grandmother and both of my mom’s brothers are having me order special necklaces for their ashes of mom. I did this with my baby who died, and they all want the same for mom. They feel I should be the one to have her ashes and her belongings because she had wanted me to have them since I was the one who stayed with and cared for her. They also don’t want my sister to know about the Celebration of Life. 

SO, AITAH for lying about my mom's ashes so my sister can’t take them all and for not telling her about the Celebration of Life we are planning?