To be honest, I have no idea where to even begin. If I'm being honest, this whole situation could be traced back to 3 years ago -- which is an insanely long story. I omitted some details to make it slightly easier to digest, feel free to poke at the gaps missing though!

PS. letters in ( ) are the initials of each person

For context, Freshman year, I was in a solid friend group of five. People came and went—some moved away, others joined—and by junior year, we were a six-person squad (B, A, N, T, S) . On the surface, things were fine. Then October 2024 hit, and one stupid, tiny moment blew everything up.

I’m packing up after school, digging through my bag for my bio book because, you know, test tomorrow. Meanwhile, B, A, and N are just standing there chatting while I’m clearly struggling. After a minute, B goes, "I’ll leave first, got stuff to do," and the other two immediately echo her like some weird hive mind. What hurt was that our bus wasn't even coming for another 10 minutes - they couldn't wait one extra minute for me? The real kicker came when, literally right after ditching me, she texted asking if I wanted to grab food. So their "urgent" excuses were complete lies. I never responded, and she replied with "never mind we're done anyway."

However the next day, I was still salty. So when B ask me what i was up to during break, I gave her the driest "working" in response. Yeah, petty—but I wasn’t about to pour my heart out when they’d just laugh it off like I was overreacting.

Except then, they fully froze me out.

After school, I had ECAS -- meaning they leave without me either way. So there was no way to have conversation whether that be waiting or on the bus. It was a very quiet day for me in comparison, I felt upset that they didn't know why I was being distant. But also angry at myself for being passive aggressive instead of talking things out. But I know that it wouldn't have helped as they would laugh it off and say I'm being too emotional -- but then again would they be wrong to?

Friday, I had told my only other friend (W) about all this and she invited me to sit with her friends at lunch, a nice change of pace -- but other than that I talked to pretty much no one else the whole day. An additional thing is that I was at the bus stop after school (I was the only one in line), they saw me and all stopped before reaching near the stop and started whispering very loudly about how I was there and shoving each other to go first. It was painful to watch, T sighed and walked past like any normal human but the others (N and A) followed while giggling in a judging tone and side eyed me while B in particular shot a ' really disgusted' side eye as she passed, real mature. On the bus, I was scrolling instagram when suddenly they all started sending me reels (with the exception of S who had ECAS again). I was still on good terms with T since she wasn't involved nor deliberately ignored me so I was not surprised to see her text even though we hadn't talk for the past week either.

T then texted me privately explaining that they went to grab a snack after school, and she was now in the restaurant bathroom -- hiding and texting me? I found that bit comical but unfortunately what she had to say was not. She asked me what was going on and after telling her everything, she said that they'd been making cruel jokes about my name behind my back, specifically targeting things they knew made me uncomfortable, why was I even surprised.

As I got home and decided to finally address everything to possibly make amends. I first talked to A why she didn't talk to me and explained why I didn't, to which she said 'oh i thought you were mad at me so i just didn't talk to you'. Understandable had she even talked to me, but she didn't so... I moved on and asked why B and N were so over-dramatically theatrical. Which she said she didn't know and I should ask them directly. Funny, cause while all this was happening they frequently posted stories on Instagram about calling together -- completed with discrete status notes like 'bro I hate you' / 'take a hint lol'. Which even though yes she was not the one with the status notes, she definitely knew the intent behind them. I didn't press further and was just glad that there was another person I could talk to other than myself.

I then confronted B who simply said that it was all my fault and that they wanted to talk to me but were scared to. (Which is like huh??? There's 4 of you, and 1 of me.) Basically I apologized for being cold and then confronted her about the side eyeing which she brushed it off and switched topics so... I didn't press further yet again for the same reason. At some point she just straight up said "Bro I hate you, I've been talking shit about you all week lol" But didn't show any remorse so I'm not quite sure what the point was. I didn't confront N since I saw no point in confronting someone who didn't even want to give a non-sarcastic reply to reels she sent.

So throughout the week as that was happening, I was spiraling. At the same time, I had no one to turn to. W was deep in school work and I didn't want to bother her even more, I couldn't bring myself to worry my family -- especially with my mom overseas. So with no other friends left I was breaking down every night, having panic attacks, trouble doing anything at all, the loneliness started to tear me apart. I have always felt lonely, but to this point where all these friends I cared about was against me is something that was only ever in my head -- which was now reality. I started to use unhealthy coping mechanisms to try and numb the pain, yay.

That only got worse when W said that I was no longer welcomed at her lunch table a few days later since she felt like the jokes I made were directed at her and too passive aggressive, which I was honestly shocked to know because she started taking jabs at me first. But I understood that she felt hurt and I may have crossed the line, so I apologized and thanked her for telling me about it instead of avoiding confrontation. (something I clearly did not do) However, since I had nowhere else to turn to -- I would go home every time during lunch to avoid seeing anyone I knew during break / having to find a seat alone in the extremely crowded lunch room. With my last real friend also drawing a line, I stopped going to her at all for my problems. Meaning my 'addiction' got worse, and I spiraled even deeper, the whole nine yards.

One thing good that came out of this however, was that I could video call my mom during lunch -- the highlight of my dull days. One night, I decided to tell her everything. At this point it has been well past October and into mid November, which is when my mom would come home. That night, we decided that I was dropping out and moving halfway across the world. I had nothing left for me, my friends clearly didn't like me and I wasn't doing too well in school with everything going on.

Tuesday, my last day of school -- the day after the decision was made. I had told W and T about this, hoping to keep it low-key and just disappear. But I made the mistake of telling B's seat mate who ended up telling B. Who made sure to scream loud and clear so the whole corridor could hear. By the second recess, everyone knew. Which meant the last minute regret took over people, A, N, S and B all started acting normal again and striking conversation with me. Bittersweet if you ask me but I savored it anyway, how I long for the taste of my friends talking to me like normal.

Now present day, I am in fact halfway across the world. Doing better than ever, clean for a good while, and have literally never felt happier. I am going to be moving back since I realized the issue wasn't rooted in the country but the environment I was put in inside that country. But this is still at the back of my mind -- should I cut off these people now? It feels right but maybe they really aren't the problem and it's all me self victimizing myself and overreacting. I don't even know anymore.

Expanding on why this is even a dilemma:
T: I’m torn about cutting her off. She’s genuinely kind and cares, but she never stood up for me, even though she agreed I was right. I get it—she didn’t want to risk being outcast too. But it stings that she’s still friends with people who’ve hurt me, and the fact there’s a group chat without me (ironic, since she claims to hate that sort of thing). She didn’t mistreat me directly, but she also didn’t stop it.

A: My childhood best friend, but we grew apart because of her obsession with T. She’d cling to her 24/7, making it impossible for anyone else to hang with T. When confronted, she played dumb like she “didn’t notice.” I'm hesitating to cut her off because she was a great friend once, but now she’s just a suck-up.

N: We used to be close, but her fake “neutral” act is exhausting. She took cheap shots at me behind my back but still acts like she’s above the drama. We don't talk much anymore but she did send a whole paragraph during Christmas, but that could mean nothing genuine and simply out of guilt.

S: The biggest betrayal. I was there for her every time, and she repaid me by joining in on the bullying. She brushed off my paragraphs addressing everything, sent them to the group chat, and only ever texts me when she needs a favor. She also owes me money, so I can’t fully ghost her yet.

B: The ringleader of the two-faced brigade. She trash-talks everyone, so her turning on me wasn’t surprising. The only reason I’m cautious about cutting her off is because she’s drama-prone and has a wide social circle—I don’t need her starting more rumors.

Lmk what you guys think, cause even after months of contemplation I still don't know what to do -- Am I as B says: the root of the problem? I appreciate any and all input, thank you in advance :D (PS. Probably gonna take a while to respond since I'm going to sleep after posting this)