Now I wouldn’t say they’re completely best friends but she’s certainly a close friendship in his life. I (19f) have never met my boyfriend’s (21m) friend. He mentioned her when we first got together about 6 months ago and she seemed really lovely! I obviously asked the insecure question of “have you ever had feelings for her?” And he admitted that once yes he did but it was ages before he met me (and in between previous ex relationships) and that she is happy with her boyfriend of over a year and are looking to move in together soon.

She goes to university a couple hours away so when she’s back in our home town for breaks they meet up. It’s almost the same thing each time, and they’ve only met about 4 times since we’ve been together. They walk around town, usually get lunch, they always get a boba as it’s their tradition and then he’ll come home. It’s only ever like a couple hours.

When this first started happening I would communicate it made me pretty insecure, and I was up and down about how okay I was with him seeing her. He’d been going on about how he wanted to go get a milkshake from this place we both really love but hadn’t managed to try together yet and went with her the first time, I was upset, communicated it, and he apologised. All good. Then recently he went to this food place with her that I’d introduced him too and we’d had a date together and it makes me feel sick now thinking about eating there with him, I communicated again, he made me feel better. But it was kinda like cmon guys you could have eaten anywhere.

Now I think a big part of this insecurity is because when we were first together we got into a massive argument, he told me he was seeing her on the one day a week that is guaranteed ours (we both have it off work and I usually stay over) and it upset me because even though I’m okay with him seeing her, there was no consideration for me and she could have seen him a number of days that week. He chose our day. I called him out on this, he got defensive and passive and just said he wouldn’t see her because I’m obviously NOT okay with it. And when I tried to explain it was the principle of him not asking out of consideration and not the fact that he was seeing her (I also made it very clear it wasn’t an ask in terms of permission but again respect and consideration for me and my feelings as he knows I’m unnecessarily insecure of her too) he flipped out on me and I left his house sobbing.

Later I went back to his and we talked about it. He said he’d told her he couldn’t see her when I left but then told me he’d gone back on it where he realised I was okay with it. I was glad because I never want to be the reason he can’t see a friend even if I’m insecure because that’s my own responsibility to communicate and find reassurance which I’ve been doing since I’ve felt this way.

However, I then asked to see their messages as I had a funny feeling and when I read through it he was being very unfair about me. I don’t have the screenshots as like I said this was a while back and I didn’t want the reminders, but it went something like… he said I wasn’t okay with them seeing each other and she supported me, saying that’s fair enough idk how I would feel if it was my boyfriend. I felt much better hearing that come from her but then as I scroll down he’s saying something along the lines of “never mind apparently she is okay with it now and says I’m allowed. Funny tho because she’s never had an issue seeing her exs” (something we were working through together and I was making a lot of sacrifices to keep him happy already)

This made me so angry. I looked up at him and said “are you kidding?” And then left again because it felt like all my trust in him had been abused. I felt like I was overreacting but it was the way he’d made me seem controlling and unfair to HER that got me so upset. To me that just isn’t something you would say to the person that the issue is concerning, let alone imply I wasn’t okay with them seeing each other when honestly I was okay, it was just how he went about it that mattered to me. It just felt like he was portraying me in a bad light and I’d spent the whole day trying to make him understand my point of view and he just wouldn’t listen.

In the end we worked it out. It took all evening and it ended up with him saying I’d overreacted and me apologising. He did say the he hadn’t seen my side and was sorry. But in the end it still fell completely on me.

And even though that was months ago I seriously feel it’s affected the way I feel about their friendship even now. And everytime they’re together I’m worried if they’re talking bad about me. So much that I had a horrible dream last night about it.

I’ll bring it up to him every time I’m uncomfortable but it seems like he’s a bit over it all now and I just can’t help but think AITAH for being so uncomfortable with their friendship?