AITA for not being transparent with my parents about my personal life?

For context, I'm gay (19M) — which is very relevant here — and I grew up in an extremely Mormon household. When I say extremely Mormon, I mean my dad is a Stake President (a very high church position), he worked for the church for nearly 30 years, and was a bishop three different times before that. My mom works at both the missionary training center and the temple, and my grandpa is a Patriarch. Our house is basically a Mormon shrine, filled with paintings of Jesus, temples, and scriptures on the walls.

Growing up, LGBTQ people were talked about with disgust and weirdness in my home. From a young age, I acted a little "different"— I was a little more feminine, probably because I spent more time with my twin sister and her friends (since the neighborhood boys weren't friendly to me). My mom would regularly tell me that the way I walked and talked was “disgusting” and “boys don’t do that.” I was so ashamed that for months on end I’d spend hours practicing how to walk and talk in the shower to come across more masculine.

As I got older, and struggled with severe mental health issues mostly tied to self-worth and self-acceptance, and after a suicide attempt, I realized I needed to start living for myself. A lot of my dreams and values — things like my music career, my friendships, recreational drinking, and occasional marijuana use — were things my parents would never approve of for religious reasons.

From about age 16 on, I kept to myself and quietly did what made me happy. I lied to them about simple stuff like going for coffee with friends, because growing up, they tracked my electronics, monitored my phone, and would’ve freaked out over harmless things like hanging out with clearly non-Mormon friends, drinking coffee, seeing R-rated movies, or going on a date with a guy. It wasn’t like I was doing anything crazy or dangerous. Meanwhile, I was a straight-A student, senior class president, and heavily involved in extracurriculars.

Now I’m in college, and I’ve kept my personal life private. But when I visit home, my parents inevitably start religious conversations or ask about my life. A few weeks ago, my buddy's mom told my grandpa that I'd drank alcohol and used recreational drugs. Of course, that got back to my mom, and they baited me into coming home to talk about "housing for the next school year". When I got home, they ambushed me about how I was ruining my life. They weren't aggressive, just dramatic and concerned.

I explained that this wasn’t new, and that I was doing great — I’m excelling in school, just won first place at a state ethics and policy debate, and I’m competing at nationals soon. I told them I think deeply about my choices and that I’m happy with my life. But they were clearly upset that I hadn’t been “transparent” about this with them sooner. I explained that I had always kept to myself, and that they shouldn't be surprised that they didn't know about this. This upset them even more, and me, also being upset over the fact they had baited me into coming home to "talk about housing" only for them to admit that they just wanted me there so they ambush me about drug and alcohol usage, left.

Then, just last week, I visited home again. Another religious conversation started, and I maturely told them (as I have many times) that I don’t agree with or respect some of their beliefs because I find them harmful and dehumanizing — though they have every right to believe whatever they want. They got defensive, asking what I meant by “harmful and dehumanizing.” One example I gave was their beliefs about LGBTQ people. It’s worth mentioning here — I’ve never officially come out to them. I don’t feel like I owe them that, and frankly, I don’t feel safe doing it. Especially since it was their beliefs and indoctrination that made me hate myself for so long, and because they still openly think same-sex relationships are wrong and extremely sinful.

Whenever these topics come up, we talk in third person (because I haven't come out to them), which is really awkward, since they KNOW I'm gay. I told them that if they ever "had a gay child", it would be unfair to blame the child for not wanting to bring a partner home if they were expected to act “platonic.” They said "if they had a gay child", they’d expect them to still be transparent about their personal and love life, and “respect their beliefs” by hiding any affection with a partner when they visit home.

I explained that if their expectations and beliefs toward an LGBTQ child’s life and relationships were dehumanizing, it made total sense why that child wouldn’t feel comfortable being open, or bringing a partner to family events. I also said people don’t owe anyone, including parents, access to their personal lives — it’s a matter of feeling safe and respected.

They then accused me of being secretive, disrespectful, immoral, and intentionally hurting them by not being “transparent” about my lifestyle and beliefs.

I told them point-blank: I don’t owe anyone personal details about my life if I don’t feel safe or comfortable.

For context, I have many mormon friends (I am in the most mormon part of Utah so it feels like I don't really have a choice), who know that I am gay, and whom I am somewhat open about my personal life with. I still don't support many of their beliefs, and I'll admit I still don't feel safe with many of them (and will likely find new, more supportive friends over time), but it's easier for me to be open with them because what they believe doesn't really effect me, and never did growing up since I didn't know most of them. With my parents, it feels different.

Now they’re upset, saying this is me choosing to hurt them, and by not being transparent and lying, I am actively destroying the relationship. AITAH?