For back story Me (30 F) and my ex (30 M) had a 7+ year relationship. When the "relationship" started i said i didn't want a relationship cuz i had just gotten out of an abusive marriage. We agreed it was a fwb until he would constantly tell ppl we were dating and I just gave up on that boundary. I knew he was into drugs but I didn't know the extent of it. How bad his addiction was or what everything he used. I told him if he wanted me to stick around he'd have to srop doing drugs cuz i didn't want that around me or in my life. It was something I made very clear. I didn't care if he used but told him I wouldn't be apart of it in ANY way including being present.

Well he told me he stopped using and that was it. When I finally found a place to live after being homeless for a short time he suddenly needed a place to live to and guilt tripped me into letting him stay with me. Well shortly after he moved in we got kicked out. So then I found a 2br apt so we could each have our own rooms (i told him I wanted my own room cuz i still didn't want a relationship). When I told him I got approved he IMMEDIATELY called his friend and offered him the second br. He accepted. Fast forward to living in the new apt. His friend told me that (the ex) was awake all night from using drugs. When I confronted him about it he said that it wasn't true because I "didn't call it the right name" of what the drug was so he wasn't "technically lying". To weeks later confess he did use that night. And that pattern of me confronting him and then lying to later admit to it continued for YEARS! But the worst part was that he had me convinced he was clean for years so I thought he was passed all that and we could start a family. Less than 6 months after our second baby was born he came home one night high. By morning I completely ended things with him. I agreed he could stay until he found his own place but that was short lived. Also. With our first kid. I worked until 2 weeks b4 my due date. After our first was born he refused to actually try and get a job. So weeks after the baby was born I had to try and find a job but had the most difficult time of my life to get one. Ive never had a problem getting a job before. I can usually have a new job in days of not having one. It took me 5 months to get a job and it was only because a friend owned her own business and I worked for her before and she gave me a job. So now I'm the only one with a job and trying to exclusively breastfeed too while working 40+ hours a week. And having to do all the house chores on my off days. I quit my job 1 month of pregnancy with my second forcing him to get a job. I was a SAH mom for almost exactly 1 year. When he worked and I stayed home with the first born and pregnant- which BTW was a healthy pregnancy but excruciating pain and still going to the gym for almost 3 months straight. (I'd only be at the gym for 35-90mins) Gym time was only possible if I woke up super early before anyone was up and got back b4 they woke up otherwise he wouldn't let me go. And if he did wake up b4 I got back he'd be calling me yelling at me to get home to take care of the baby. He always come home every day and complain that the house was a mess and I should have it clean because I don't have a job and just sit around all day. Mind you rolling out of bed was so painful I cried. Walking made me cry for how painful it was. I was 7 months pregnant at this time with an under 2yr old to take care of. He (the ex ) never cleaned up after himself but would expect me to do it for him with a smile on my face because he brings home a paycheck. But would have it deposited to my bank account so I would pay the bills. When our second kid was born he made a post on social media but I wasn't in any of the pictures. With both kids he made me to home the day after even after i told him I wanted to stay and recover. His reasoning was because he couldn't sleep on the couch in the hospital room but refused to sleep at home while me and the baby stay at the hospital and just come back in the morning.

ANYWAYS

A month after I ended things. I wanted to go out for a couple hours with my friend to a local place that was just down the street. He said he didn't get off work just to babysit kids and FLIPPED OUT! I packed the kids up and left before he got home. He called me so much that I had to turn my phone off. He started threatening me to the point I didn't feel safe at all around him. (He was abusive in the passed) I told him he couldn't be around the kids alone until he had a clean drug test. He took a hair follicle test he bought online and sent it in knowing it would come back positive because it hadn't been that long yet to have clean hair. Also he smokes the devils lettuce daily and I still don't like that I'm picking my battles.. I helped him cut the hair and seal it up. But found out he waited a few days before mailing it in and when he got the results back EVERYTHING came back negative even 😈🥬 even tho we both know it should've been positive. He convinced me he didn't swap it out and that he was clean so being compassionate I agreed he could have the kids every weekend but he only wanted every other weekend. Sat morning to sun night. As long as he took a weekly urine test. There has been many times over the next few months where he took it late asked to take it early or skipped it all together.

During all that he would harass me so bad that I ended up getting a restraining order granted.

I stopped his weekends with the kids because I believed he was still using and we agreed if i thought he was i would old off on this time until he took a hair test from a real place and not an online purchase. We agreed on that but then he refused and got angry and aggressive.

He then filed for custody and took the hair test but cut his hair short the day before his test. He refused to give me the result but brought them to court. I still didn't let him have the weekends back because of him cutting his hair first I know he wouldn't have a clean test if he didn't.

Also. He's confessed to lying the entire time of our relationship about using. He never stopped using he just got alot better at hiding it. And evey time I confronted him about a suspicion and he said I was just living in the past and I need to stop holding a grudge he was actually using and I was right.

So now I only respond to his text that I need to and are about the kids. He says I'm just disrespectful but he swears at me and called me names on a regular basis and has his new friends doing the same.

Thank God for therapy because I'd be really fucked up if I didn't have someone to talk to. Because I don't have anyone to lean on. I'm doing this all on my own. He doesn't pay cs and rarely helps with anything. The only time he helps is when he's trying to show someone he's a "good dad"

Custody hasn't been giving to him yet so i have the kids 24/7

I asked him for weeks/months to have a steady consistent routine of supervised visits and he created a problem every time and tells ppl I keep the kids from him even tho I've said MANY times he can see them just not unsupervised and I have to trust the person supervising. It got to the point where he couldn't manipulate the excuses anymore and just said that I make it too difficult and that he won't see them until court decides custody.

That lasted 2 weeks. He didn't have anything do to that day I guess and wanted a pick me up after "losing his job" and asked to see the kids. I told him to find a trustworthy supervisor because it wouldn't be without one.

He saw them that weekend and have a schedule for evey other weekend but let him see them when we have time and if he's around.

I still think he's using and i don't believe him when he says he's not. I don't think he actually cares about the best interests of our kids and he's incredibly angry with me for ending our relationship. His hatred for me trumps everything it seems.

Idc who thinks this is too far fetched but I believe he will do anything and everything he can do to hurt me and at this point the only way he can hurt me now is to hurt my children and I'm scared that that will happen. No one ever thinks anyone could do that until it's too late and I'm NOT going to gamble the safety of my children!!!

So I'm open to any suggestions on how to handle this situations and am willing to take accountability if im being unreasonable aka TAH

I'd really like to hear from a professional therapist opinion and advice maybe someone who specializes in narcissism became it really feels like that's what I'm dealing with.

Ive left out sooo many things because it would be way to long to type out.