Hello. For context, I (17f) have three younger siblings. 14(m), 12(m), and 10(f).
My mom 37(f) and dad 40(m) have been going through a lot recently, that would be enough to contribute to a whole different post. But for the purposes of this post, I’m focusing on my mother.

For context, my mother got pregnant with me when she was in college, and she dropped out to have me. She only married my dad after I was born. And a year after my birth, other pregnancy related complications led to her developing cancer. Which she recovered from- though it left her with remaining auto immune issues. She also has fibromyalgia. Now, throughout my entire childhood she struggled with various physical and mental health issues. And she had traumas from before I was even born. In no way do I want to denigrate her experiences or disregard that she is her own person with her own struggles. I am just here to tell my point of view.

Throughout my entire childhood, my mother raised me and my siblings to be “ready” for the next “stage” in life. Having “us” (me) practice skills of someone 3 or more years older than we were. And treating us accordingly. When I was 7, she treated me like I was ten. When I was ten, she treated me like I was 14. So on and so forth.

My mother, despite giving me a myriad of increasing responsibilities. Has been comparatively more lax with my siblings. I have been helping care for my siblings and her since at least age 8, maybe earlier. I genuinely cannot remember. My presence around my siblings growing up has been so much more consistent than my mothers, they often accidentally call me mom. Even sometimes when my mother is around. Which she is quick to correct and make jokes about how I didn’t birth them.

My mother is a well liked person, if you are not her child. And she has made it clear to me that when I express my honest emotions and experiences regarding her, it makes her look bad. She has even gone as far as to ask that I stop talking about (what I remember of) my childhood to my friends and family, and makes regular near-threatening comments about how I’m making her look like a bad mother.

I recognize that her actions are her own, and it is not my fault that they reflect badly on her. But I don’t think she is capable of recognizing that bad things she does aren’t justified and made good just because she did them.

When I was 13, I came out. My father accepted me, even took me out to eat so I could explain my feelings and he could try to understand. My mother took me on a walk, and said “I love you because the bible says to love you, but I cannot support you unless you marry a Christian man”. Since then, she has tried to set me up with sons of friends- and sons of business partners she has in different countries where arranged marriages are normal. (Ie: Kenya. She wants to marry me to someone in Kenya. She has tried three times. Even going so far as to take me there with her and meet the mother of one of these boys)

She has consistently dead named my transgender friends, made racist comments to me and my siblings about people we know or she knows. Or even just different races in general. Saying it’s “okay” because, and then she’ll give an excuse.

Right now, I’m 17. I nanny once a week, babysit for different families. And usually pay over half of my monthly income to my parents for my phone bill and car insurance. I cover maintenance costs for my car, and gas. I am on track to graduate early, and I qualify for the full ride at our local university. The more success I seem to be having, more more responsibility my mother tacks onto my plate. (Ex: picking up my siblings from school, going grocery shopping. Taking my siblings to and from friends houses and sports practices, etc etc)

I have been going to therapy for the past few months (not the therapist she picked out, if you’ve read my previous post) and the therapist has helped me put into perspective what kind of situation I’m in. My mother is emotionally manipulative to me and my siblings, one of my mom’s favourite things to say is that when we weee growing up she would “pretend” to take mine and my siblings feelings seriously. Because it would make us “feel important”.

Over the course of my sessions, my therapist has compared my world view with someone around their mid 20’s. And she has been talking to me about my plans to try and leave the house. And honestly? I’m not sure I can.

The way my mother currently is mentally, and how she has been affecting my siblings (my sister is cutting, and has tried to off herself twice in the past year) and my mother has blamed it on the shows my sister enjoys watching- banning her from watching them and reading books related to them. As well as tries to keep her at home and from talking to her friends. Because they make her “worse”. Forcing my sister into things she doesn’t enjoy doing, and to try and start going to church. Two days ago, my sister had a full, heavily emotional, conversation with my mother. Or, more accurately. Openly expressed herself, while crying intermittently. And my mother? Stone faced, clenched jaw. Angry eyes. Sighing disappointedly while my sister was still talking, and saying something along the lines of “you have said a lot of things about me that are mean and I do not believe to be true. So we cannot continue this conversation” before calling my father and spinning a tale about my sister’s “behaviour”.

There are hundreds more things I could put down here, like how my mother makes comments about my “weight problem” (I look nearly identical to how she looked at my age), presenting me about finding a man. Making inappropriate comments about my body and how easy it would be for me to give her grandkids (almost implying teen pregnancy at this rate), how she has regular mental breakdowns, how she switches from therapist to therapist because they aren’t telling her what she wants to hear, how she INTRODUCED HERSELF to my therapist by talking about how I knew about her teenage SA, making that the focus of MY session.

Just thing after thing after thing giving me reasonable worry about moving out one day. I want to leave, I want to have my own life. I want to finish school and get a good job and date whoever I want. But I’m terrified of what will happen to my siblings if I leave. And they’ve expressed fear at me not being here either. My mother said she’d change, but she’s said that at least twice a year since I was 7.

Would I be the asshole for not believing her?