Little bit backstory: we’re full family of four, Christian upbringing, extremely dysfunctional, I’m the youngest. My father had a tough life & hard job which let him to develop alcohol problems and period of five years where he was abusive towards my mother, escalated to him trying to drown her in bathtub when I was 5 & series of weird event I remember of him (for example sticking fingers into mine and my sisters mouth wanting us to bite him - I still have zero clue how to interpret this…)

Anyways he got sober and I must say since then he was nothing but good father. He sacrificed his whole life to work and financially secure our family. Which left him now at the age of 55 extremely lonely, no hobbies, wife who can’t stand him & shows him zero affection. Children who live on their own. We all talk but to me it feels so pretentious and after little while we are all so irritated with one another. Me and my mom both described the same feelings about my dad: emotional leech - if we’re not strict with him, put strong boundaries and show zero affection - that’s how can we survive next to him, or he will completely consume you. Control you…

I ran out of home when I was 18 - he was constantly calling & texting me, begging me to stay and it took several years for him to understand to back off. I think for a short period of time I was his closest person and he got attached, we talked so often and I often did “therapy sessions” for him and mom. I had very sad & lonely childhood mainly due to the home dynamic that emotionally consumed me.

In recent five years something switched as I lived on my own. I got diagnosed with BPD & ADHD. I’m in therapy & I learned to finally thinking about myself first, without it, I wouldn’t be here.

But these days I struggle with intense guilt. He’s just a guy who didn’t get love as a kid and put all of his hopes to get it from his new family - but neither of us can give it to him. He’s so desperate for love.

He often calls me, and I can hear he’s unwell, crying, saying “nonchalantly” he’s home alone, if I will come to visit…After every text message and phone call I break down completely. I can have a great day - then he texts me and I slip immediately into depressive episode with suicidal thoughts. I feel I can’t escape him or this situation (I’m extremely sensitive). But spending time with him is soul draining and I feel physically nautious. But I often did that despite my feelings.

But I couldn’t anymore and I feel like an asholle for that. He gives me money, he was good father most of the times and on the outside I am so rude to him. But I can’t help it - it’s the boundaries I must keep. I worry if objectively I’m wrong. And it’s just my emotions that paint him this bad, whether I should try to fix it, rather than avoiding and rejecting him.