I made a bigger post about this before but long story short: My dad's wife had a kidney removed a few weeks ago due to finding cancer on it. I responded to all updates, offered to help if needed, tried to visit but was told she wanted to rest/DR said no visitors for health reasons, couldn't bring a meal because of a special diet. But I still received a long text about how we (me and my husband) didn't show up enough for them. This is their MO and often say we dont make time or reach out to them enough while they are constantly talking about how busy they are. They also wrote a long letter to us about "not being included in wedding planning" even tho they couldn't even be bothered to do the one task we did assign them because "too busy". I have been told by them I am ungrateful, abrasive, etc, since a teenager. My dad's wife's feelings are always top priority for my dad no matter what because "she's just trying to help".

With this long text I got after her diagnosis/surgery, I, again, struggled with wondering if I really was that bad? Maybe I could have reached out a BIT more but overall I believe I did the best I could given the situation. It also brought up ALL the other junk that has happened throughout the years with them and has made me that mad/hurt teenager again.

But now she texted me and started explaining all the stuff that's been going on for her, like how she is feeling, her next appts, etc. Which is all fine, I know she is unloading it because I didnt "check in"/ask about her recently (im working on being better about it, "normal"/small talk conversations aren't really a strong suit for me). She also had to say how she is so busy responding to all the people reaching out to her. Which I interpreted as "look at all these people who are reaching out to me everyday, but not you!" Maybe I am the a**hole but all of it makes me NOT want to check in on her. Having all this old stuff bubble up and now this situation just makes me want nothing to do with them right now. The sad part is I KNEW as soon as we were told about this diagnosis/surgery they were going to find a way to pin something on me. I KNEW they were going to find some kind of fault with me and make me feel so small and pull me right back into those spirals of "am I really that bad?" "Am I really so mean and ungrateful?"

I have more backstory/info in the comments of my other post if you care to check that out. I guess all I really wanted to know is if I am an a**hole for not wanting to reach out to her today even tho she told me she is having a treatment done. And the way she told me made me assume it was another "check in test"