I (27F) called off my engagement a few months ago. My ex-fiancé (30M) and I were supposed to get married last summer after a year of meeting each other. He was my first serious relationship, and I was his. We had a very emotionally intense connection, and he showed me a lot of love and affection, which I won’t deny. He took me out, introduced me to his social circles, was beyond consistent in his communication, told me that I had changed his life for the better, and always made time for me. But as time went on, there were behaviors I couldn’t ignore anymore.

He was becoming increasingly possessive and controlling — subtly at first, then more overtly. He admitted to wanting to be the center of my world, and anytime I had boundaries or made independent decisions, he’d push back. One of the biggest issues was how he handled physical boundaries. When I set limits on intimacy before marriage (as we are both from orthodox Christian families and originally we both wanted to uphold those values before we got carried away), he told me “these are non-negotiables in a relationship” and pressured me to change them. When I eventually did, he said we could revert now that he “knew it wasn’t a hard no,” like he just wanted to test where the line was. It left me feeling manipulated and disrespected. While this was the main reason, there were also a lot of other things going on on the side, like him telling me I was acting like a slut because I was friends with guys outside of my family and I was being prudish by drawing boundaries around physical intimacy.

I gave him back the engagement ring and told him it was over. But he wouldn’t accept it. He kept messaging me, asking for another chance, saying he still loves me. When I finally drew firm boundaries, he’d act like he respected them—then break them again.

Recently, he told me he’s been doing a lot of self-work and realizes how much he hurt me (especially around physical intimacy). He says he’s not the same person anymore and that losing me made him see things more clearly. He’s been emotional, apologetic, and sometimes seems sincere. However, he’s also been really hard on himself and made threats of ending his life. As much as I love him, this doesn’t sit right with me. A part of me feels like these threats are more manipulation. Another part of me—the part that believes this dynamic is extremely unhealthy for the both of us—feels like the only solution is for us to stop talking so that we stop affecting each other this way.

I also found out he was active on dating apps. Which would be perfectly fine. He even told me himself but then told me he deleted them. The problem I faced was that he was on an app while also telling me that he wants nothing more than for us to be together and was trying to get me to rekindle our relationship. When I brought it up, he claimed he “forgot to deactivate” and that it didn’t mean anything. To me, that just reinforced how easily he can compartmentalize and chase validation while still trying to keep me emotionally tethered (he had previously accused me of chasing validation when I had uploaded a Facebook post of a brunch with my siblings).

I wrote him a message telling him that I truly want both of us to move on. That I hoped he would find happiness, but he needed to stop playing games with my heart while also looking for other options. I told him it was unfair and disrespectful to both of us.

Now I’m feeling that maybe I’m being too harsh. That people do change, and maybe I should give him the benefit of the doubt since he finally seems to understand.

But I feel like I’ve spent so long second-guessing myself, making excuses for him, and tolerating behavior that made me feel small. I’ve worked really hard to reclaim my peace, and I’m scared that letting him back in — even if he’s “better now” — will just pull me right back into the same cycle. And honestly, I would lose at least a bit of my self-respect if I go back into this relationship after everything he put me through and especially after the dating app situation.

So… AITAH for refusing to give him another shot now that he seems to have finally changed? Is my ego getting in the way of something that once felt magical? Or am I in the right to just move on?