I need to know if I’m wrong here. This requires a lot of context, so I’ll just dive in.

How This All Started

I (23F) decided to expand my friend circle because all my IRL friends (women only—I went to all-girls schools and colleges) got busy with their lives. I began hanging out on Discord with strangers, mostly talking about games. It was a harmless distraction until someone would catch feelings—then I’d say “have a good life” and cut contact. I don’t believe in hanging with people once they say that.

I spent about 6 months talking to one guy (“J,” 31M), who introduced me to his online friends. For the first time ever, I developed feelings for someone. I tried to rationalize it—he was older, not interested in me romantically. In the end things changed when I moved to a different country, realized I cannot be crying over something as silly as a discord crush. I told him as much and went no-contact. Now considering this was the first time I liked someone I totally overreacted and acted like a Victorian maiden bereft and abandoned thinking the world had no place for me. Crying for weeks which was totally not an overreaction lol. In this time, I wanted to throw pity parties and quickly move on, unfortunately that lead to me trying to distract myself by hanging out with even more random people on discord.  

Then “N” (a friend of J’s) reached out to check on me. He and his girlfriend “R” were genuinely kind, and I joined their chaotic, amazing friend group. That’s where I met “B.” (23M, later turned 24)

It started with me roasting his Valorant skills for a month—until I noticed he was getting too friendly. I asked if he liked me; he said no. Two days later, his friend “D” DM’d me saying someone in the group had feelings for me. I made it clear I wasn’t interested in anyone especially not right now considering they would just be a rebound and that is dirty.

Then B confessed in a group call. He knew I didn’t like him back but wanted to distance himself. My response? Total shutdown. Awkward chuckling, a thumbs-up—my brain just blue-screens when I’m put on the spot. “N” called me cold and mocking, saying I should’ve been kinder since I’d been through a confession too and know how much courage it takes. The whole friend group had been so kind and nice to me when i was being overdramatic over a silly crush that guilt-tripped, I tried to “fix” things. I was convinced that my isolated upbringing had made me wrong and I had to fix myself to even if I didn’t want to I reiterated to B that I’d never like him romantically and tried to have friendly conversations and against my better judgement kept in touch. By this time I would talk to “J” too looking for any excuse to talk to him really and he had told me friendship was possible if the person got over their feelings and that it was their problem, so I hoped B would.

He didn’t.

After this he just started spiralling

Drunk midnight calls, emotional breakdowns over text, leaving and rejoining servers.

Spamming me with Instagram reels, then getting hurt when I didn’t react to each one.

Revealed he was depressed, on antidepressants (no therapist), and had past suicide attempts.

Got a DUI  after drinking and driving, lost his job, and sank deeper since his job depended on it.

I urged him to get help, but I was also distracted—I’d started hanging out with “K” (now my boyfriend) and was exhausted by B’s instability. I even fangirled over other guys to discourage him, which “N” said “ruined B’s image of me.”

The night it happened I had told B to stop the hot-and-cold act and come back when hes “over his little feelings”. I made sure to say “don’t be alone”. He tried calling but I didn’t pick up (it was the middle of the night for me and the frantic desperate texts made me think he was drunk again) I replied slowly (I was reading a novel). His last message included: “See you never.” An hour later, “N” texted—B had sent notes and his family was looking for him. They found him three hours later. Right to left.

I dissociated. It didn’t feel real.

His friends waffled between “It’s not your fault” and subtle blame “You kept him grounded” or maybe it only felt that way to me cause I knew I was somewhat to blame. I showed the texts to my IRL friend, who pointed out how they were contradicting themselves. I brushed it off, they were grieving.

“N” told me to stay off the server to avoid backlash. Weeks passed, but I couldn’t bring myself to return and rarely ever joined a call. When I finally hopped on, I mentioned my potential relationship and “N” straight up said that it wouldn’t last when pressed for an answer he said because I was “promiscuous” and “talked to too many men”. He claimed he was looking out for me, but then dropped this after I told him I would consider moving to America to make it work if it gets serious:

“B and I tried to get you to move to America, but for some guy you barely know, you’d consider it? Wow.”

That’s when I realized: It was not just in my head they definitely blamed me. I gave it another week thought it over and tried talking again over text this time so I can be more coherent.

It did not go well. I got overly defensive and got overly righteous and it was a mess. i tried to say that talking about celebrities female and male doesnt make me promiscous, and the only reason I would fangirl over other guys was so “B” would get over it. He stood by what he said. At this point I started to realize that isn't fixable and his thinking is completely different from mine. In the end I just unfriended everybody and left the servers after saying goodbye to “R” especially because she has always looked out for me.

Was I selfish? Yes. I prioritized my comfort over his life

Could I have helped? Maybe, but Im not a therapist or his savior even though he seemed to think so and even said as much.

Logically, I know that. But three months later, its 5 in the morning and Im typing this instead of sleeping. I don’t even care if I’m the villain anymore—I just want the guilt to stop. I have done everything to put it behind me but I can’t seem to outrun it. Typing this seems so performative, like I’m acting when there’s no audience. SO what do i do?