AITA for ruining the friendship we had with our bridesmaid, just after the wedding?

Okay, so loaded title. I believe they call it a hook.

This has tortured me for the last 2 years of my life. I will try to keep the context brief.

We got married in late 2022. As of posting, I am M26 and my wife is F26. We had a very close friend, the same age as us, that I would honestly attribute quite alot to myself and my wife having met in the first place. I've known her all throughout highschool, and my wife who went to a different school, knew her from about 10 years of age.

We all went through a lot together, traumatic pasts and toxic families. We all used to take long road trips together, to nowhere in particular, and talk about anything and everything. We always joked about us being like family. When my wife (not yet) and I got our first rental in 2019, she spent a lot of time with us and would often stay over. We even helped her through discovering that she was in fact a lesbian, which she struggled with but eventually embraced. I will start to say that, our friend (who I will be reffering to as N) was often quite difficult to get ahold of. She would go off radar, not answer calls or texts for weeks and then as suddenly as she left, would be back trying to meet up 2-5 times a week. It could also be damn near impossible, if not very difficult to make any real plans to do somethingor go somewhere. She was always very flaky, often taking other opportunities to go out drinking or see other friends if we made plans to go out, or plans for birthdays, etc. She was also very one track-minded, she would often just do things if they suited her regardless of how it affected those around her.

This goes without saying, that despite these flaws, we quite frankly loved her. She was like family, the good she gave us outweighed that bad, her laugh was infectious and always warmed out home when she came by.

Then came her girlfriend (I'll refer to as L). L was... interesting. She lives 100 miles away in the next city and had interesting opinions on life and was quote honestly... opinionated, with ourselves and N. We accepted her because N seemed to adore her and their relationship flourished. They struggled when covid hit and this is when myself and my wife saw cracks. She was often very emotionally controlling, making her travel and break lockdown rules by traveling intercity. She complied after essentiallly getting harassed to do so. Many times, aswell.

Many more of these types of situations arose, especially when it came to us making plans. L would often tell N to disregard our plans and come see her, or do something different with her instead. And when we did meet up as 2 couples, she was very demanding and abrasive. Still, we said nothing towards N or L.

However, and I must be very careful talking about this next part as to not break the rules of the sub... but on my 23rd birthday, we booked an Airbnb with a hot tub. We had a generally good evening, other than when it came to drinking games, L kept trying to make remarks towards my (not yet) wife that she was attracted to N... seriously, you had to be there, but the insecurity was obvious. It was very uncomfortable.

Now, after the hot tub was done, we had our cake, we all went to bed... this is when I decided to play music, because as our rooms were together... and I could hear everything, they weren't being quiet. I thought nothing of it and went to sleep with music playing. The next morning, at 9am, I knock and came into their room saying a chipper "good morning!" Only to be met with red eyes and tears on both their faces. I asked if everything was okay, they said they needed to leave. Which was okay, we were leaving that morning anyway. They left at that point without so much more than a look, they litterally sped off. We assumed they had another fight... well, we spoke to N that night, and it turns out L had assaulted her. I will give no further details. But we were disgusted, angry, upset for N. But... they fixed things between them. However, our view was tainted.

I shall fast forward to 2022, our wedding. N had made herself very difficult to approach at this time for my wife, to make plans for the bridesmaid dress fittings, and other things they had always talked about planning together. Other than the dress, which she had to be there for, we planned everything ourselves. On the wedding day, I won't lie, L and N bickered for days leading up and on the day itself. But I will say, due to an egregious attack from N's mother, she had to leave home as she feared for her safety. This was 1 day before our wedding, and instead of moving in with family, L convinced her to move in with her. We sort of knew that may spell the end of things, but we had the wedding, it was really nice. We even let L sing us down the isle and play a guitar solo as she is a trained musician. Retrospectively... I kind of wish we hadn't. But, afterwards, they moved in together. Litterally the say after the wedding. N never stayed in our city again as far as I am aware. I will say, my wife feels she wasn't supported at all by N. This, I cannot fully blame on L, but this factor gets worse.

We fast forward to May of 2023, we planned another trip for my wife's birthday. We paid for the Airbnb, and everyone was invited and going. Except... N decided a week before she would not go, as a trip planned by L had just so happened to correspond with the same day we were going to the Aibnb as the same day they came from their trip. We were very upset, as we knew that had been planning this but it was supposed to be for June. It also came out, that L had told her she was needed to shoot photography for L and her sister's band on the day of my wife's birthday. N said herself, she had no choice. This is also why L had never agreed to go as this had been planned in advance. This felt incredibly sneaky to us, and hurtful.

This is where the TIFU on my end may have occurred. I asked N to call me. She bounced me around for 5 days, eventually calling me. We spoke, I was direct and said: "you've really upset (wife), you agreed to go, we paid for everything and a week before you tell me you're just not going. I'm honestly really fed up with how irreverent and reckless you are with other people's plans, you have a one track mind and you don't care what other people are doing so long as whatever it is you wanna do suits you best!". This was met with a lot of excuses, but I just said I didn't wanna hear it and hung up. That's the last we spoke... until June.

We had planned a festival with L and N, they were going to camp and we borrowed my dad's camper. But, at this point, we had not spoke much other than N messaging amy telling her she felt attacked and trying to spin a story as if I had done all these terrible things to her in the past. My wife didn't buy it, and simply stated she did feel ignored and unimportant to N. So we did not correspond about the festival leading up to it.

The festival arrives, and we happen to bump into them. N walks away, but L stands and confronts us. This is where it got really messy, L started throwing insults at us, calling us mentally unwell, saying we should be medicated for schizophrenia, paranoia and delusions. And telling us we have no friends, no life, and no future. It was vile. My wife, usually soft spoken and calm, became a banshee unto L and told her exactly where to go, what to do, and when to do it. The confrontation ended with us just walking away as the verbal assault did not end.

Weeks and months following, we were stone walled. I send a long text to N stating how I felt, how nearly 15 years of friendship and having just been our bridesmaid should not be thrown away so easily. I was told to "f off" and then we have both been blocked since.

I did manage in February this year, on text, to ask if she could call me, as she had no blocked my number. She agreed she wanted to call, and to arrange a time. I asked on a few different days since, but no luck.

So, reddit... TLDR, our friend of nearly 15 years and bridesmaid made us feel like crap, moved away after we got married, we called her out, and her girlfriend verbally assaulted us. Am I the AH?

If you did read all that, thank you. Maybe I reek of guilty if I have to explain things in such great detail, but I cannot stress enough how much stress and anxiety this has given me. We just miss her. I just need to know, and what even should I do next?