I (M18) had a crush on this guy when I was in 10th grade. He was my classmate for only about two hours because it turned out he was in the wrong section. After he left our classroom, our adviser announced that our section would be dissolved, so we were all going to be transferred to different sections. Weeks later, I confirmed to myself that I really liked this guy—but I didn’t even know his name. So I told my best friend about it and showed her a picture of him. It turned out they had been classmates since 7th grade. She said good things about him, which made me like him even more. Then one day, after dismissal, my friend asked me to come outside the hallway. I was SURPRISED when I saw him. We exchanged handshakes and names.

Long story short, Ian eventually found out that I liked him. After that, he started talking to me more and would always wait for me outside our classroom. One afternoon, Ian asked me to have lunch with him at a fast food restaurant near our school. I joined him, and he said it was on him. We just enjoyed each other’s company. While we were in the middle of eating, he suddenly paused and said, “I like you too.” As a gay boy, I didn’t know how to react and asked him if he was serious. He confirmed that he liked me, then held my hand. There was dead silence after what he said. After we finished our food, we went our separate ways and went home.

I avoided him for days because I didn’t know how to feel. Then one day, after dismissal, I saw him again outside our room, waiting for me. He invited me to have lunch with him again, but I refused. After that, I never spoke to him again—up until now.

I tend to push people away, but I have my reasons. I was sexually assaulted by 6 different people since I was six years old. It happened two times when I was six, two more times at seven, once at eight, and the final time was when I was fourteen. Ever since it happened to me, it deeply affected me as a person, making it hard for me to trust others and build relationships. What I had with Ian happened just a year after the last time it happened, which is why I couldn’t allow myself to be free. Upon reflecting on what I had done, I still don’t know if it was my trauma that stopped me from liking him back—or if I simply couldn’t commit to him.