First off, i apologize if this post is random, it’s just as much as a vent as a request for advice. I(19m) live with my parents while i commute to college. All things considered, I have made a pretty decent little life out of my situation. The other day, my mom mentioned to me how I blow off my dad a ton, and don’t really interact with him. He and my mom have also taken notice that I have slowly been retracting myself from their day to day life, for example I don’t really eat dinner with them anymore or go out to eat with them as much. I work with for my grandfathers business so if i’m not at school i don’t see them all day either. They don’t seem too upset about this currently, but they bring it up more and more, and I know my dad well enough that it might eventually make him mad. As to why I don’t like being around my family, it’s mainly just my dad. Throughout my life my dad has treated me very badly, and targeted me unfairly. Probably the worst example was when he hit me on my 11th birthday basically in front of all my friends.

Another bad example was this past christmas. my youngest brother has some anger issues, which leads to situations where without context my dad thinks me or my other brother did something bad to him when we really didn’t. Last christmas, he got mad at me for some trivial thing like changing the tv channel and yelled at me. My dad immediately assumed i had done something wrong and said “well what the fuck did you do this time OP?” I got really pissed off and there was sort of a back and forth where he eventually threatened to one: hit me, and two: kick me out of the house. Shockingly, he actually apologized, but i do not forgive him.

When I was about 15, we were driving down the road to go eat somewhere, and he was mad at something completely unrelated to me. For some reason he brought me into it and called me a sissy, to which i questioned him why. He said that It was because I “couldn’t even pick a damn sport” ( i quite playing lacrosse because i liked boxing better) eventually after some other insults i told him he doesn’t know how to be a father, in which he pulled the car over and threatened to “send me to the hospital”, then drove us home then drove his other truck off somewhere and didn’t come back until late that night. My grandparents actually got involved and although they say they don’t hate him, i think my grandma never felt the same way about him again.

This past november, my dad got angry the house wasn’t clean enough, and started to burn blankets outside in the backyard. As this was on my youngest brothers birthday, this caused my parents to fight, and was overall a pretty bad day too.

I know all this is super random, but i’m trying to show some of the bad things he’s done to contrast with the fact that he’s not always like that. He buys us nice things and often is nice overall, so i suspect he may be bipolar.

However, due to the events i previously described (and many many others), it is difficult for me to stand him. I have been trying to avoid him particularly because I have since i was young had fantasies of murdering him, even going as far to keeping a knife in my room in case he comes to me or something.

I want to be at peace. I want to forgive him as I know it is the right thing to do. However, I hate him. I honestly do not love him at all, and my desire to kill him really upsets me.

I again apologize for this post being so randomly written, I do not really know how to articulate the whole situation. Should I try to make amends? AITAH for basically just never acknowledging him?