I've been thinking about this hard and long and I need input from the masses...

Born in 2003, I was raised as a single child. My parents divorced when I was 3 and shortly after my mom met this guy online. They went on to have a child together who was born in 2012. My half brother Max. He was born with a bunch of complications like a non-fully developed colon which led to him needing a bypass out of his belly and grown together vocal cords which obstructed his airways. The latter issue was discovered during surgery to fix the first issue. They had to fly in a specialist to do some kind of laser surgery. It is assumed tho that due to this and maybe other developmental defects, he will never be able to speak or live a self sufficient life. He spent many months of his first time on this planet in various clinics and grabbed the full attention of my mother, who lived her life suffering from multiple sclerosis. I was 9 at the time, nearing the end of my elementary school phase and going on to high/middle school (German school system... it's hard to convey). I was also (and kinda still am) suffering from ADHD and was also in need of attention in that time. But I didn't mind it then... I was happy to finally have a baby brother and I was hoping sincerely that he would get through this successfully.

Here comes the dark part that the TW is for:

Her partner that she met online was some dude with a dog breeding line for German shorthair dogs from the north of Germany. At first I didn't mind him to much, but then he started punishing me for things I did, whilst my mom wasn't home, threatening me not to tell her. It was the basic ass whooping, but the kind that hurt like hell and was unjustified. I told my mom anyway. Fast forward a few years and my mom, despite having mental breakdowns and crying sometimes because of that guy (tho he never put hands on her) still didn't leave him because she lacked the mental strength (and because of the whole they had a kid together thing). He still took his frustrations out on me tho, telling me I'm just trouble and loved by no-one, beating me blue and then my mom not driving me to the hospital because she feared child protective services would take me away. June 3rd 2016, my worst nightmare comes true. He killed her, murdered my mom, infront of my half brother. It is unknown if and how this might've also lead to him being stuck in the mental state of a 2 year old forever, but one can only assume.

After that my father took me in and life got better for me. Our old home was a mess because my mother couldn't keep up with all the animals and her own struggles. The mess wasn't helping me. We also weren't blessed with money, so my clothes were always a bit odd and second hand. I got bullied a lot for that AND my ADHD.

When I moved in with my father I had nice clothes and order in my life. It still wasn't easy but eventually things worked out. My brother was taken in my my mom's mom, my grandma. I visited her every second weekend but I noticed that I never got the feeling that my brother noticed me or felt happy to see me. He didn't respond with the same love I gave him. Later on my father also went on to have 3 children with my stepmom, the first of which, born in 2017, finally loved me back. I've since learned what brotherly love is.

I do not feel it for the son of my mother's murderer. It's not the child's fault.

But I lost all love for him.