Okay, so this is my first time doing this, but I’ve come to a situation where I feel like an AH for bringing this up in detail to anyone in my family so maybe if I come here it’ll be an un-biased opinion.

AITAH for not wanting my brother-in-law to move in with us (again), even though it might leave him in a tough spot?

Me (F30) and my husband (M31) have been married for almost 10 years. For about 8 of those years, my brother-in-law (24) has lived with us. He moved in as a teenager (around 14–15), and since then has stayed long-term while finishing school, working, and just… existing, really. He’s a lovely person, respectful overall, but he’s not very proactive, doesn’t help much around the house, and isn’t super clean or responsible. He works and plays rugby, but doesn’t have much direction or long-term plans.

Since her divorce 7 years ago, my MIL (50) has bounced between living with us, having her own place, or living with different partners. She has not been in the best place mentally and jumped at the prospect of us taking responsibility for BIL. My husband was raised mostly by his grandmother because their home environment growing up was unstable (MIL prioritized an abusive partner at the time). There’s a lot of emotional history there, and although she’s never really taken accountability, we’ve always stepped in when she needed help — including flying her home from overseas when she was stuck in a dangerous relationship, covering flights, paying fines, bills, etc.

We’ve supported both MIL and BIL for years. But now we’re about to have our third child, and are finally upsizing into a bigger home. It’s 30 minutes outside the city — a bit further, but there’s also a great school out there and something we’re really excited about. The idea of having space to just be as a family, without house guests or responsibilities beyond our kids, feels like a huge breath of fresh air.

BIL says the distance will make it much harder to get to work, rugby, and see his friends, and he’s considering quitting those things as it’s too costly/hard to keep those commitments. So now, if he moves with us, he’d be home most of the time — gaming, watching anime — and wouldn’t really be contributing much. We’d be covering more food, utilities, rent, and cleaning up after another adult, all while adjusting to life with a newborn and two young kids.

We suggested he stay with his mum while he finds himself somewhere to stay close to town — she lives alone and has a 2-bedroom place in the city, close to his job and social life — but she said no. She likes her own space and is actively dating, and wants her place free to have prospectives over. I completely understand her creating her own space and explained it wouldn’t be forever just til he can find somewhere new. The city we live in is small and there aren’t that many rental options though — when my husband pushed the issue, she said fine, he can stay with her — but said she’s now going to move overseas and BIL will have to take over her lease and bills. He’s barely handling paying a portion of rent now, and it would make it more difficult for him to save for a bond to go into a new rental so realistically he’d end up homeless or right back at our door.

Don’t get me wrong tho, MIL is a lovely person and has done a lot of growth over the passed 10 years but part of that journey has been her “saying no” and putting herself first in an effort to be more empowered, which I’m very happy for her but has made it harder as we do care about him and his future.

So now we feel a little cornered. Either we take him (again) and sacrifice the fresh start we were hoping for, or we leave him in a hard situation where he’s unsupported by his own parent.

I care about him a lot. I feel heartless just suggesting the option. He’s a good boy I want him to do well. But I’m also tired. We’ve had so little time just to ourselves in this marriage — barely one year out of ten where it was just our family unit. I don’t want to be cold, but I don’t want to keep repeating this cycle.

AITAH for wanting space, even if it puts him in a tight spot?