Background: My ex husband has a long history of abuse/neglect. He also has a lengthy history of substance abuse and multiple mental health diagnoses including personality disorders, several times requiring long term in patient treatment. He is not compliant with meds or treatment 90% of the time. He had inconsistent supervised parenting time in the beginning and eventually went no contact for several years before popping in again wanting parenting time which is a pattern whenever getting into a new relationship and wanting to ‘play house’. Our shared children have done loads of individual therapy throughout the years and then forced reunification therapy within the last year that only lasted roughly six months before my ex lost interest.

Current issue: My ex has multiple children from multiple women. He does not currently have physical custody of any of them besides every other weekend with the oldest (my almost 18yo son) that only started a month ago. He recently announced he is expecting yet another child with another woman. My children #2 and #3 do not want any contact whatsoever with him as there is some heavy trauma associated with him at play. He does not have access to them at this time, nor do they desire to have a relationship with this new sibling at this time. They have also never met the mother of this newest child on the way, for context.

We have been getting a lot of push back from ex and his family for not encouraging kids #2 and #3 to “be excited” or “more involved with their family” because they’re getting another sibling- again. From my perspective, it isn’t fair to ask my children to dismiss their boundaries and subject themselves to people whom they do not feel safe or comfortable with for the sake of being involved in this new child’s life. I understand their hesitancy and why they might not feel connected to this child in a conventional sibling way due to the complexity of history with that side of their family. Now that they are older, they have finally found stability and routine. They’ve put in a lot of work to hone their coping skills, overcoming anxiety, depression, suicidal ideation and are thriving better than ever. It’s difficult not to be fiercely protective over them given how far they have come. I fear that forcing this upon them is too much of a risk to their mental health and have refused to coerce or guilt them into changing their minds as long as they aren’t ready.

My ex says I’m being spiteful and just don’t want him to be happy, that I am punishing this new baby. He also says I give them too much say and that children shouldn’t be allowed to “call the shots”. I have nothing against this new baby, they didn’t choose to be brought into this world. But I do feel that my responsibility needs to be to my children first, as they still depend on me to advocate for them at this age.

AITAH?

Edited to add: We do have a good relationship with the maternal grandmother who’s raising one of his daughters and have done what we can to maintain somewhat of a relationship with her (the child) and her siblings (my children). We’ve taken her on vacation multiple times with our family and occasionally keep her for weekends at our house. I do not see that being an option for this child, given the relationship with the mother.