LONG STORY:

Let's start of by saying that before i met my ex i clicked with anyone and trusted people a lot and also fell in love pretty easy. After our relationship ended i turned more in to a very conservative person, i have a hard time trusting people, i don't fall in love as quick anymore and while i still vibe with people very well it takes me more time to loosen up.

She was 24, i was 33.

We met online, immediately hit it off. And after a couple of years of not talking due to lives happening we started talking again around September of 2023. A month later we met up for the first time and there was this incredible energy/chemistry between us. A week later we decided to see where things would go and it turned in to a 5 Month long relationship. And while a lot of the relationship was great the things that weren't great weren't not "not great" but were "bad"

Without going in to much detail, i was an internet persona a few years ago and because of that i sometimes get recognized on the streets by teens who want a quick selfie with me, all fun and it takes about 10-15 seconds of my time. She however saw it as something that shouldn't make me feel good, because they were laughing at my expense. I told her many times that i couldn't care about what people who don't know me personally think about me and that it shouldn't matter to her what they think of me since i was her partner and i treated her well, and she always said she was happy that we were a couple.

However, soon after we got together she told me how she didn't like going outside with me because of this and that she was scared that those kiddo's would start to associate her with me and ask her for pics too (lol) so we started to do that less and less until even going grocery shopping was something we did seperately. You know what she DID start to do more and more?

Talking to her ex, ánd her online male best friend. (2 seperate people)

I was fine with her chatting with her ex and playing videogames, why wouldn't i be. They were LDR anyway so i couldn't care less. The only thing that worried me was the fact that he was starting to get very jovial with her and when i told her how i felt, she told me she didn't tell him about us having a relationship because she was afraid of his reaction and she still liked him as a person and didn't want to throw that away but that i didn't have to be afraid because he wasn't a threat anymore, it was her ex with a good reason.

And that male online best friend? I was fine with them talking too, she was allowed to do anything with anyone with some obvious boundaries, of course. However, he also had no clue about us being a couple and when i asked if she wanted to text him less/put her phone away more often when we were together she told me "no, i'm allowed to have this much contact he's just a friend. That's what you do with a friend, the fact that you don't text your friends much when we're together isn't healthy either" yet the thing here was... I didn't text my friends 100-200 times a day like they did and the friends that i DID text all knew about my relationship with her. (unlike him)

She didn't want to tell him because it wasn't "necessary"

When she told me she wanted to meet up with him i was a bit weary but i did trust her so i asked her if she at least wanted to stand up for herself IF he would try to do anything, and to tell me when she arrived and went home? I don't know WHAT happened, but she interpreted this as me not trusting her, me being jealous, insecure, controlling. Turns out that she didn't like it that i wanted to talk to her about their contact again, basically.

Anyway. That's not all. I remember her calling me to tell me she told her colleagues about me. You know what she said? "i told them i'm seeing someone" (we were in a relationship for 4 months at that time) so when i told her "seeing someone?... We're a couple.." she was visibly unhappy with my response.

The last thing we did together was a birthday party, all the family members of her dad's side would be there including her 15 year old nephew. She didn't want to bring me at first because she was afraid he might know who i was. We had an argument over this, and eventually she could let it go.. What i couldn't let go was that male friend of her who she was texting with throughout that birthday party.

2 Days later she told me that she had told him, my response? Oh what a relieve. She again got visibly upset and we ended the call after i told her i was sorry for that response but that i felt this way because why would you keep me hidden from him for 5 Months?

I never ever told her "you're not allowed to" or "i don't want you too" or just plain "no" i always asked her "are you okay with" or "can we talk about?" "can we look for a compromise" ?

We never really argued a lot or had "fights" but i valued communication and looking for compromises, but her go to phrase was "that's a you problem, i can't do anything with that" a lot if i wanted to talk to her about something that was bothering me and i hoped that we could work it out.

A day later we spoke about it, i told her that i found it healthy to be proud of my girlfriend and to tell people about her because that's what you do with someone you love and are happy with, right? She wasn't like that and to her it felt like i wanted to flaunt her, and me giving that response was "unhealthy" i got called Jealous for asking so many questions about their on-going texting. I got called Insecure for wanting her to tell me when she would arrive at his place and go home. And i got called Controlling for asking her to text him less and put away her phone more often when we were together. I also was "afraid of contacts with other men" because i "made an issue" out of the contact she had with him ánd with her ex. And she also thought that i wanted to communicate too much.

I'm all for communicating, looking for a compromise whenever possible, and to "fight" for each other. I was "afraid" of losing her, was something i told her. Not because i literally was, but just as a figure of speech.

One day after that she broke up with me, i essentially was fine with it, because this showed that we were incompatible and had a different idea of what was healthy in a relationship and it had just run its course. Until 2 days after that she had a relationship with him. And where she'd hide me from her social media "since my last break-up i don't feel the need to share my partners with the world anymore" (was what she told me when i asked her if we could be FB official about a month after we got together) and hid me from people that weren't her family/my family or my friends, she put him on Social Media like we never happened, and the worst bit? She told him something i was VERY insecure about because of HER (my past on the internet)

Don't know what happened with me, but ever since THAT i became "different" like i said in the beginning of this lecture. I hardly ever properly trust someone, i find it difficult to really love again, it's hard for me to get "that" connection again, and it's not like i can't get the connection anymore. But whenever i GET that connection with someone my default setting seems to be self-sabotage.

I didn't handle the break-up very well, and to be fair i did hurt her after the break-up too. Not physically(i never touched her inappropriately) but i remember how we spoke to each other a few days after the break-up and i just couldn't control myself anymore when she said "you should drink a glass of water, it'll be over soon" when i got emotional on the phone.

This triggered something in me and i started telling her everything that was wrong, that it was awful the way she ended it, that this could've been resolved and how much of a shitty person she was for hiding me, invalidating me, gaslighting me, manipulating me, making me questions my confidence and my sanity and betraying me.

And she of course never said sorry once, had no clue how to take accountability for her actions, and eventually her boyfriend started threatening me, so i told him to go away and never contact me again. Yeah, great fun. But it's been a year and i'm sad about how i treated her after the break-up. Not saying she didn't deserve it, but also saying that i could've been more mature, much more mature.

I hope that i can finally get peace with myself and start loving again and trusting again like i did before her. Because man, this stuff is terrible. I could've done things differently, obviously. Looking back on it, i would've done things differently, but i don't know how much of a difference it would've made. Anyone who can help me?

AITAH for asking her to text that friend less, tell him about our relationship and ask her to keep me updated?