To those reddit youtubers: please do not read this story. I just want advice from the community. Also apologies for any typos, im typing on my phone lol

I am late 20s. My mother and father are in their 50s. My cousin is in his mid 20s. My aunt is in her 50s.

Background:

The true issue of this situation is my aunt, my father's sister. She is a bully awful sister in law to my mother, awful sister to her siblings, awful aunt; notorious in our family for randomly hating nieces or nephews, including me (which makes me incredibly biased with this issue because our beef has been going on since I was a teen). I'm Muslim, so I don't say this lightly, but she's the reason why I tell people I have limits to my kindness and forgiveness. Family is a big thing in our community but she, my Aunt, is a Rockstar for somehow being put on low-contact with nearly all her siblings (even the ones who live out of town; partly because over the years, she was known to go insane if the siblings decide to visit my father and chat with his wife and kids).

In a lot of ways, I do feel guilty. I will admit that she has heavily impacted my relationship with my cousin to the point they are strangers to me and I have to put up with others commenting how strange, because our family is otherwise known to get along well with the exception of my aunt and family. My aunt is a widow for the past 20+ years and I will also say... it is likely she has something going on. My mother told me the only period in her life while being married to my father where my aunt and her got along was when my aunt was married to her husband (my uncle was an amazing man! I remember being so kind, everybody does.) And then when he passed, our families rallied around my aunt because she was widowed with 5 young kids. My father became their father figure.

And my mother, unfortunately, became competition when my aunt's craziness began. My aunt was known to be awful sister and in law before but she became something else, really, afterwards. Would talk bad about our family, try to drive my mother away, etc etc. And for while, it did work. My parents' relationship was strained for a long while.

Funnily, what saved it from my aunt's meddling was my brother falling down a rough patch with addiction. My aunt decided to put the blame of my brother's choices entirely on my mother. Everybody in the extended family took a step back and had the what the fuck moment. Chose sides. She was caught off guard when people didn't choose her side.

And she continued to be awful. She's obsessed with my mother in the worst way, constantly talking shit about my mother in the community and my mother just shrugs it off. My other aunt always theorized that there was this weird psychological thing going on, that my jerk of an aunt thinks of my father as her replacement husband because my father is the eldest living brother and has been the father figure in his family since my grandfather died in the late 80s. There's a lot of trauma, I know. Explains the actions but doesn't excuse.

Anyways she hates me because I don't take her shit and side with my mother lol. Really, I think she never did like me, at least earlier than our official beef started, but picking a fight with me did dig her further in the pit that even my grandmother (her mother) has shake her head at— bullying an in law is one thing, but your niece? A step too far for many. Especially since I'm quite boring / the stereotypical goodie too shoes relative; not to shame others of course, but my hobbies are DnD and I like to be in bed by 10 pm, even when I was young— I never had a wilding/crash out phase, I don't experiment on stuff because of my health issues and I'm anxious. So for my aunt, it was basically her going like "I don't like [OP]" and having no real reason to back up why. I have my masters. I teach. I help my parents out with my disabled younger brother. I am known in the family as somebody, if you call me, I'll come and help.

She hates me. And I have expressed hating her, banned her from my parents' house when my father was sick (not my cousins, just HER) with the caveat of her being allowed to visit if she apologizd to my mother, she hasn't salam or return a greeting yet (customary for Muslims to greet each other :) though may God forgive me because I know there is a bit of spite in my heart every time I give a greeting and try to make eye contact) whenever we're at a family event. Though if I'm being honest I do miss her. I do love her deep down and I know its even worse for my father and grandmother because of this fractured family situation.

Anyways, on to the issue:

My cousin is graduating. He personally invited my father (or so he says). My father wants to take along my brother with the disability because he knows that my aunt hates me, my eldest brother and my youngest brother but my brother with the disability because of that middle brother is a sweetheart and you have to be a monster to hate.

My mother is drawing a line. My aunt has been up to her usual behavior and spreading bullshit again, talking about her. 30+ years of marriage, my mother has put up with it but today was the straw that broke. Our cousins never been to our graduations. Never wish us well. Attended our invites. Their mother like to put the blame on MY mother on why the family is fractured (which is an outright lie; this family was always going to fracture whoever my father married because my aunt is just that crazy lol). My dad was not taking their son to this and she argued that he shouldn't even go.

I was called over. I agreed. I told him that he enabled her enough. He argued he wanted a relationship with his nephews and nieces. I told him that he should make a one on one thing to celebrate the graduation but not go to the ceremony. If they want someone to blame, the kids have to confront their mother for putting the strain on this relationship. If they were younger, I would have hesitated and I think thats why my mother isn't anymore-- the youngest is almost 20 and the oldest is a year younger than me. Collectively, the kids can start holding their mother accountable (and arguably they SHOULD before any of them get into a serious enough relationship or else they're burdening their future spouses with a nightmare MIL, especially the oldest cousin who is a man).

My father agreed. He is a good man and while he has been put on that fence between his sisters/mother and my mother, he has chosen over and over his wife and kids come first, even when he was the father figure/the Man of the house for my grandmother as well.

But he looked so sad. I know this breaks his heart. He loves those kids as well, he was there for them when their father couldn't be! And he does understand and regrets not putting his foot down more with my aunt when she was younger, but you can't reverse back time.

I do feel like an asshole. I tried to walk back my assertion and suggested maybe my father should attend and we can send a card. My mother says no, she says shes tired of watching her husband bend backwards for a woman who would NEVER do the same for her if the situation is reversed (which is hella true. We probably would've moved out of state to live closer to my maternal side... God forbid. Love my maternal side but not where they live.) My father is a good man, a great brother, so I understand why this hurts him; I try to emulate him best I can because he's what I look to when I think of a person who is trying their best to live as a kind person. I don't want to enable but we do talk about it a lot and I know if I was in a position where my sister did this... I think I would struggle a lot. I would subject my kids to this of course, because my kids would be above all else but I get the love you can have for a sibling.

Like at the end of the day, my cousin is the one who loses out at their father figure not being there and it's because of my mom and I telling him not to go. Yes, his cousin's mother is technically to blame and my mom is setting a boundary. But AITAH for also agreeing with her and the boundary?