This is probably not going to make much sense, I'm mostly writing it for myself I guess? I'm kind of all over the place and need some sort of control over this.

For some context, my parents are divorced, have been since I was 5, I'm 19 now. It wasn't an easy thing and I took it really hard because they argued a lot, i mean full on screaming, throwing stuff and overall stuff no 5 year old should watch.

Anyways my father has now been married for 5-6 years, and has a son (4) with his wife. (And no, I won't call him my half brother or step brother, he's my brother period.) His wife and me don't get along really well, she's that type of person who only talks about herself, makes everything about herself, talks shit about everyone else, is racist, and just a shitty person.

About three months ago I was at my dad's house and I snapped at his wife, it escalated into a full fight where she almost got physical with me, then my dad intervened and (obviously) sided with her, and it escalated more from there because my dad did get physical, he pushed me and threw me against furniture because he was "defending his wife". I left that day and didn't speak much to them, aside from asking my dad if I could go see my brother some day.

Two weeks ago I tried again, asked my dad if I could go see my brother, his response was "no, my wife doesn't want you here, and I also think that you're unstable and don't want you around in case you have another breakdown"

And that pissed me off so much, I basically snapped, sent him a few texts, telling him how much of a shit father he had been, how he's never really been there, how he's always just focused on his love life instead of feeding his kids (I have a sister that's also from the same mom and he's always neglected us) and how I was happy that he's being a better father to my brother, but that I needed a father too when I was growing up.

And then, and this is kinds where I messed up, I told him the full reason on why I didn't like his wife is that when I was 14 she SA'd me. Which is true, but I honestly never really wanted to tell him because I knew he wouldn't believe me or would just brush it off, and I told him what she did, told him how it messed me up, and how much of a shit father he is that I knew he wouldn't believe me or brush me off and tell me to "get over it". I said more harsh stuff and then left it at that.

I cried the whole night, I felt angry, sad and guilty, and I kept looking at his chat to see if he'd read the message. The next day he'd seen the messages and left me on seen. And then he texted me like five days after I sent those messages asking me if I had gotten a call from a job. He completely ignored everything i told him, i told him everything, i told him how hurt i was, what his wife did to me, everything and he ignored it.

The thing is, I've talked to some friends about it and they all say I was right to snap at him, but I can't help but feel bad? Like maybe I could've been more polite, or mature, but it all came crashing down, I've spent this two weeks crying every day and just feeling horrible about everything.

So I guess I'm just confused? AITAH for the way I snapped at him? Like could I have gone with a different approach maybe? I mostly feel bad because now I'm never gonna be allowed to see my brother tbh

(Again if anyone reads this, sorry it's all a mess, I'm just a mess tbh and I don't even know how to deal with this)