MULTIPLE FLAIRS. ; TW SELF HARM - TW SA

Background; This takes place in a town with a population of under 8,500 people. Everyone knows everyone here!

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Okay, so I am the oldest of all of my siblings. One is not mentioned in this story, but I am the oldest of 4. I am an 18 y/o female. I don't remember most of my childhood, but I remember bits and pieces. My biological mothers side says that I need to " forgive her " and that " her mother was a lot like that too," but I feel I just can't.

❗️ THESES STORIES HAVE BEEN TOLD TO ME BY PEOPLE AROUND THAT WERE TRYING TO HELP ❗️

When I was a baby, not even a year old, my mother threw a party. She put me in my room and left me there. My stepmothers mom heard me crying in my room at some point. When she came in, I was a wreck. Crying, hungry, full diaper, the works. So what did she do for this strangers baby? She took care of it. The entire damn party she took care of me. When I was 3 or 4, my mom turned my my lock around on my door so it would face the outside of my room. She would lock me in my room at points. My great-grandma came over to drop something off one day and heard me just banging on the door to let me out and that I wanted to see her. Around that time, my parents also broke up, and I went with my father. He met Brennan at that time. Brennan had a kid named Jayla, and we became pretty close. When I was 6 and my biological sister was 4, my mom took me back from my dad. She started dating a man. He was not at all a very good man. Him and my mother got married not long after meeting and left me and my sister in a daycare for 5 months while they went out of state. She wouldn't let my dad get us. He had to fight the courts in order to get us back from there. After that, I didn't hear from my mom for roughly 2 or 3 years, maybe longer. Not a text, not a call, not a goddamn letter. I was a child, though. I wanted my mother. When I was 10, she moved to a place roughly 15 minutes away from where my dad lived. We finally got into a routine where I'd stay with her 1 week on and 1 week off. Then, 1 week turned into 4 days, then every few months. My dad and stepmom moved around a bit. When I was 12, I got my first phone. I messaged her all the time. She would only answer every few weeks. Around this time she got married again. This guy was a very good guy for my mother. He tried to get her to see us, to stop the dr*s she was using, to get help for her mental health and get a better job. He ended up getting a job offer in another state. He told my mom he wanted to take her, me, and all my siblings with. My mom told me that she didn't want to leave us behind (lie #1), and she had gotten a new boyfriend (lie #2.) She did get a boyfriend, he just wasn't new. She had been cheating on her husband with him. At this point, I am about 12 at this point. I started dealing with depression and self-harm really bad at this time, basically blaming myself for the fact that my mother wouldn't be a mother to me. Because of this, my dad talks with my mom and convinces her to let me live with her. 1 weekend I'd stay with my mom, another I'd stay with dad. Well, soon it turned to every other weekend and then not at all except for holidays. I blame myself for that as I was trying to hang out with friends all the time until my mom basically started isolating me. I didn't go anywhere besides school and her townhouse. I was still really depressed so I ended up self-harming and having extremely sucid*l thoughts, some I tried to act upon. So at 12, I got sent to an outpatient treatment. I was there for roughly 3 weeks, and then it was summertime. So, back to isolation. Well, school starts back up, and roughly 5 months in, I started self-harming again. I told my mother because I wanted help. I was scared. What did she do? She (lie #3) kicked her 13 year old out. My dad came and got me, and they got me the help I needed. I ended up getting diagnosed with depression, anxiety, ADHD, reactive attachment disorder, and dissociative identity disorder, and I got put on the medications I needed to help it. I didn't hear from my mom the entire time I was in the mental hospital. By 14, I still hadn't heard much from my mother. I messaged her all the time still. My dad and Brennan broke up after 10 years together. We moved back to the little town all of this started in. Every summer, I go to visit my mom for about a month. In the first year of us living in the small town, I got sexually assaulted by my " boyfriend. "I put quotes around boyfriend because I was 14 and he was 18, I don't think most people consider that a relationship, more of a predatory thing maybe? I told my mom a month after it happened. She didn't hug me or tell me it wasn't my fault. She told me what happened to her and then ignored my messages for the next 4 months. I did tell my dad about 5 months after telling my mom, and he took me to the cops and helped me fill out a report and everything. When I was about 15, I started blaming myself badly again for her not being a mother. I still have the messages I sent her of me telling her this. She never really replied nor changed. That summer, I was turning 16. I went to visit her that summer and we had a talk. She asked if I ever hated her, and I told her yes. I told her it was when she kicked me out at 13. She told me it wasn't her decision and that her boyfriend " couldn't deal with me anymore." Yep, that's where lie #3 comes in. After I turned 16 and school started again, I basically told her I was cutting contact with her because of all of this. Somethings I didn't mention here because they seem small, but regardless, all things she herself told me. She told me to " believe whatever I want to believe " basically.

I'm 18 now, moved out, and have been doing things myself for quite a while now. I've taken care of my medical shit (different story, I have posted about it on different forums. ) and have plans to move out of state. My dad's and stepmoms side of the family all dislike my mother very much. I wouldn't say hate, but they all have a dislike for her. My moms side, on the other hand, tells me to forgive her because " her mother was also a lot like that. " Here's my thing though, if her mom was like that, why couldn't SHE change? Why did she bring 3 children into the world just to abandon them? One child has a shit father who was JUST in prison for the last 3 years. (My half brothers dad.)

I'm not saying my father's a Saint, but I'm sure damn grateful I had him and Brennan around. But am I an asshole for being upset about my childhood still? I feel ridiculous having to even ask this.