My sister-in-law is a single mom of a young daughter and 14-year old son, “Will”. She’s doing a great job but has expressed concern about raising her kids without a father figure, especially Will. He’s a good kid but easily impressionable. Over the last year or so, my wife and I have been involving her kids more. I’ve taken Will under my wing to show him the stuff he’ll need to know as he grows up. We’ve done car maintenance, fixed things around the house, and yard work. He really seems to enjoy it. One thing we recently talked about was the importance of appearance. Like most young people these days, Will wears a lot of hoodies, pajama pants, and flip flops. I took him shopping and bought him some dress shoes, button down shirts, khakis, and a suit. He was so excited for the suit and planned to wear it to church on Easter. He talked about it for weeks.

My sister-in-law law recently started dating this guy named “Tyler”. I’ve only met him once, but Will said he was decent. He only recently met the kids and started spending time at their house. The four of them showed up to church on Easter looking upset. Scowls on all of their faces. They also looked like they had just rolled out of bed. Tyler was wearing wrinkled jeans and a T-shirt and Will had on a hoodie, flip flops, and sweat pants. My SIL and niece were dressed similarly. After church, I asked Will what happened and he told me that they had an argument. Will had just finished getting dressed when Tyler came over to drive them to church. He saw Will’s suit and made him change clothes because he was only wearing jeans. Tyler also convinced SIL not to wear the dress she picked out and to keep her outfit casual. Will protested and they had an argument all the way to church, during which time Tyler threatened to take give “those bougie clothes to Goodwill or some shit”. He also told Will he looked “gay” and “stupid”in his suit and that “nobody dresses like that”. I told him not to worry, and he could try out his suit later on, but boy was I pissed.

I don’t really know Tyler but I fell like he was overstepping…..big time. He hasn’t been in their lives for that long and he’s already subordinating them and talking crazy.

I got upset but my wife urged me to leave it alone. I didn’t. Since we were all going to dinner after church, I wanted nip it in the bud. I pulled Tyler to the side to talk. I don’t believe in arguing or embarrassing another man in front of his woman and kids. This was supposed to be a talk between us, away from everybody, to get an understanding. I calmly explained my concerns and he instantly bucked up, claiming that he runs that house…not me. I reminded him that they aren’t married and he cannot treat my SIL, niece, and nephew like that. It quickly escalated into a shouting match and drew a crowd of parishioners to the parking lot. It ended with him going to jail for assault (he shoved me into a car and I punched him in lip before we were pulled apart).

I had no idea things would escalate as they did. It was embarrassing for everyone. But I don’t feel bad for standing up for my nephew. I’m not his father, but I’ve known him all his life. I don’t like seeing some jerk-off guy come into his life and tear him down instead of building him up. If Tyler was a longtime boyfriend or stepfather then sure…..his house, his rules. But this behavior is a major red flag. What kind of man is jealous of a child’s outfit and makes him change? What kind of man threatens to give away a child’s clothes and calls a kid derogatory names? And what kind of man fights at a church he’s visiting for the first time? I told my wife she needs to talk to her sister about her choices in men. She refused and said she stopped doing that years ago and made her peace with her sister not wanting her input. I’m not sure if SIL will take him back, but I told her that Tyler has displayed violent tendencies and she should reconsider her relationship. I’m not trying to control her or her decisions. I’m just concerned that Tyler may be a hothead. She says I’m an asshole for trying to tell her who to date and it’s none of my business, but added that she will do the best thing for her family. Whatever that means. My wife says that she is proud of me for standing up to Tyler, but thinks I did it in the wrong fashion. I think I did the right thing and Tyler was in the wrong. AITAH for how I handled this? AITAH for trying to give my SIL a warning?