I (30s, F) recently found out—through Instagram stories—that my best friend of over 10 years, Riley, had a birthday party that turned into a surprise engagement celebration. Tons of mutual friends were there. I wasn’t invited. No heads-up, no “wish you were here,” not even a message afterward.

Her boyfriend apparently planned the surprise, so I understand she may not have had full control over the guest list. But even still—no personal text before or after? No “I missed you,” no acknowledgment at all? That’s what really stings.

We live in the same city and we haven’t seen each for 7 months. Last time she texted me was December —and it was just a response apologizing for not texting me back for weeks. I responded enthusiastically, opening up the convo for her- but she just never responded. There was no falling out, no drama. Riley has called me her best friend for over a decade—not just casually, but in a way that’s been consistent through all seasons of life. She’s the one who encouraged me to move here, and we even lived together not that long ago.

I’ve continued to make the effort—checking in, responding to her updates, trying to stay connected—but her replies have become slower and more surface-level. That said, she still responds to me normally in group chats when she does reply, like nothing’s wrong. So it doesn’t feel like she has an issue with me—it just feels like indifference. If she DOES have an issue with me, she’s had every opportunity to let me know though right?

I haven’t explicitly asked to hang out recently because, honestly, how do you initiate plans with someone who doesn’t even respond to basic texts? Meanwhile, she’s regularly hosting, traveling, and spending time with mutual friends. Just ZERO curiosity from her end with what’s going on in my life. I get we’re all busy- but she makes time for other friends? No I was not invited to any of those outings either.

And the hardest part? I’ve been going through one of the most difficult years of my life. She hasn’t asked once what’s going on with me or how I’ve been. At this point, I honestly don’t even know if she noticed I wasn’t at the engagement.

I’ve talked to close mutual friends who weren’t at the party (because they live far away) about it recently when they asked if I helped pick out the engagement ring. Because there’s distance, those friends don’t feel the gravity of being excluded from her milestone events and so they try to make excuses for her. “Oh well maybe it’s because she’s been super swamped with her new job?” Or “maybe since her boyfriend did the planning he forgot to invite you?” Them making excuses for her makes me feel like I have to minimize my pain for Riley’s comfort—to keep the peace. I literally feel like I’m surrounded by a bunch of Kate’s right now (from the white lotus friend trio lol).

I’ve tried giving her the benefit of the doubt, but at what point does being left out, unanswered, and overlooked stop being circumstantial… and start being a pattern?

I’m not looking to start drama or demand answers—I just don’t think I can come back from being excluded like this and feeling so unseen. Why should I be chasing clarity when the answer already feels pretty clear? Would I be the asshole if I just let this friendship go quietly?