So I (22F) and my best friend (23F) have been super close since college. Before she graduated, she rekindled things with her ex, and they eventually moved in together. Around that time, she introduced me to one of his friends—who is now my boyfriend.

During her relationship, she’d vent to me (which is totally normal), but as things got rockier, I started getting pulled into the drama. For example, during a group trip to NYC for her ex’s birthday (me, my boyfriend, my bestie, and one of his friends), her ex thought my boyfriend and I were talking about him behind his back. It escalated, she ended up in tears, and I was stuck trying to console everyone. That kind of situation happened more than once. I always tried to stay neutral, but it put me in the middle and made things exhausting and uncomfortable for me.

They ended up breaking up around the fall of last year—messy, blocked each other, she moved out of state—and I figured it was finally over. She started talking to other guys and would bring up her ex in an indifferent, casual way, like she was completely over it. So I assumed that whole chapter was closed.

Meanwhile, my boyfriend and her ex are still close friends and live next door to each other, so I still see him often. And it can be weird sometimes, but I usually ignore. He’s made comments like saying our matching phone cases (mine and my bestie’s) gave him PTSD, and once drunkenly brought up arguments he used to have with her—like asking me if I think interracial relationships, are a problem. The only reason I even know he had weird feelings or said stuff about me is because she told me all of it during their relationship. So now I’m in this space where I’m around him, knowing how he used to feel, while he also clearly knows she told me everything.

I hadn’t brought any of this up to her—until she randomly texted me one night saying he told her he missed her. That’s when I casually mentioned he’d been saying some weird stuff again the night before when him, me, my boyfriend, and their friend went out. I wouldn’t have brought it up otherwise. She responded with a screenshot where she texted him, “congrats on your new relationship, (OP) told me about it.” I replied—half joking but serious—and said, “please leave me out of it,” because I’m still around him regularly and being dragged into their dynamic is tiring.

That’s when she flipped out and said I “want to be his friend so bad,” and that I’m HER friend, so anything he says to me should go straight to her. She also told me I didn’t know the full story of their relationship, so I shouldn’t care. But honestly, I do care—because I’ve been forced into the middle of it way too many times. I’ve always tried to stay respectful and neutral, but that’s clearly not enough.

Then—in the middle of our argument—she called him to ask if he was mad about what I told her. He said he wasn’t, that he was cool with me, and that I had even invited him to my birthday. And that’s when she turned the entire argument into that being the issue.

For context: She had asked me what I was doing for my birthday and I said I wasn’t sure yet—I hadn’t made official plans. I had casually asked her ex if he’d want to come if something happened, just because my boyfriend and his friends would probably be there, and I thought it’d be more fun with a group. But again, no set plans. No invites. It wasn’t that deep. I didn’t tell her because I don’t bring him up unless she does, and at the time, there was literally nothing to tell.

Now she’s saying I should’ve told her I was even thinking of inviting him, and that I need to make it clear I’m HER friend, not his. I told her I felt like she was being selfish—because I’ve tried so hard to avoid drama, support her, and respect her feelings, while she hasn’t once considered mine. I said I felt uncomfortable and stuck, and instead of acknowledging that, she told me I was “being defensive” and “not validating her feelings.” She says her feelings are valid—but what about mine?

I’ve spent months getting caught in the middle of their mess, constantly having to manage how I interact with people just to avoid more chaos. The one time I try to set a boundary and say “please don’t involve me,” she accuses me of disloyalty. I haven’t texted her back since, because honestly, I’m over it. Am I not regarding her feelings? am I wrong?