So as the title says, my husband had ADHD. We’ve been together for so long I just sort of got used to his little quirks. The hyperactivity I love, 99% of things about him are still absolutely perfect to me. But he goes through these phases where it feels like he isn’t really here, even when we’re together it’s like it’s so far away. Every time this happens I know it’ll pass and I know that it’s not his fault, but I also feel so lonely whenever it does.

I’ve been going through so much recently- miscarriage, being let go at my job, and general mental health. He is always so great with me, and he’d do absolutely anything to make me feel better, but he just won’t listen. His ADHD sometimes makes him selfish and I have to keep reminding myself it’s not him and that he’s got a million things going on too.

I work 7-3, he works 10-5 and then we come home and chill together and catch up but recently it’s not been like that. He doesn’t want to talk, or he doesn’t want to do anything because he’s exhausted and burnt out but it’s just constant. I try to talk to him about what I feel, or about problems I feel in our relationship and his replies are 1 word and then he’ll change the subject as if I haven’t even said anything. And sometimes when I do tell him things in the relationship I don’t like, he will apologise and say it will change but it never does (this is stuff like he is very messy and I’m constantly tidying up after him but I don’t want to do that).

I tried to talk to him about how I’m feeling really alone in this relationship at the moment, and he told me he’s just in that place where he hasn’t got much else to give. And I do understand, but where do I come into it? He then changed the subject 4 times and I got angry and told him I don’t feel like I can talk to him anymore, I don’t feel like my problems matter to him anymore. He said he doesn’t mean for it to look that way, that he cares so much he just doesn’t know how to love me loud at the moment because his head is always elsewhere. Then I told him I don’t think I can cope with your ADHD anymore because I feel so unloved and so unwanted and it’s not fair. He told me that I knew from the start what I was getting myself into and that he always does try to be more present it’s just hard sometimes. I told him he’s not been present in months now and I can’t keep going on feeling like I’m in a one sided marriage.

We both love eachother more than anything in the world, like there is SO much love in our house. But I’m just tired of giving more and trying to love him loudly when I don’t feel that from him.

We haven’t broken up, I’ve just been spending time in my own today because I don’t know what I want, I don’t know what I feel.

(Before anyone says he is using an excuse, he’s like this with his family and his friends too).

AITAH?