TW: anxiety, neglect

for some context and backstory:

growing up, we were broke and never had a stable home. either lived in my grandparents house or a family friends house. we had maybe 2 homes that were ours but obviously that didn’t last long. not only this but my mother neglectful to me and my siblings due to her own struggles. unfortunately i think this neglect might’ve been the reason for my anxiety, since instead she gave me a phone at 3 years old to distract me. now thats all i do.

I hated school so much because of my anxiety that worsened every year. this led to me being homeschooled. after that, things slowly got worse. staying inside more, causing worsened anxiety and agoraphobia.

nothings changed much since, except my relationship with my mother. I have told her my feelings, opened up about vulnerable things. to which nothing has changed or happened. nor did I rlly get any reaction or sympathy. I am an outcast in my family, and they know me for all my problems. but I feel frustrated, because I feel like its my mothers fault?

I still feel neglected, even now as a teenager (16). all of these mental issues, and yet nobody is trying to help me. i mean i am scared of leaving my room even just to use the bathroom. but then again I feel so conflicted, because I know im not the only person in the world with issues and its not so easy for them to help because they are trying to help themselves. its just hard to accept. but Ive missed out on everything a normal teenage girl goes through. I never learned how to do makeup, cook, do laundry, clean, dress up, date, have friends, etc. and I feel like if I told someone this they would be surprised, but my mother doesn’t even care. I mean she always says she misses the little me when I was happy and cries about it, because all she wants me to be is happy. but how can I be happy if nobody is helping me?

but anyways, today I accidentally let it slip that I didn’t want to open up about anything anymore because I always regretted it afterward, because of the (mostly lack of) reactions I was given. not just this, but that i have told her about certain things i didn’t want her to do (which was hard to do) and she never remembered and kept doing them. for example, i didn’t like how she openly talked about me to strangers as someone who has bad anxiety and autism and never leaves the house. i know its true but like… do u have to tell everybody that? she was even gonna make an entire blog about me but thank goodness she ended up quitting.

in return, my mother told me that I always made her feel terrible, but also wanted me to tell her the things I didn’t want her to do that I had told her before and she forgot. I denied it because I already regretted ever talking about it but also I didn’t want to further it by telling her and making her feel worse. she also asked me how she is supposed to react to the things I say because she hears it and never knows how to react to it. she even cried because she felt terrible.

btw, this isn’t the first time ive told her similar things and made her cry. I feel so horrible every time, but its like my mouth has a mind of its own. should I just apologize and lie, telling her that everything ive said isn’t true and that she is a great mom? I mean, no offense, but I wouldn’t say she’s the greatest mom out there…

but when i say these things I never mean to say it in a bad way, but it more like… idk constructive criticism? still, I feel horrible.

idk if any of this is gonna make sense but this is the most simplified I can make it.

am I the asshole, and what should I do?