Dear community,

My wife and I have been married for almost 15 years. We have three children (all boys). But this isn’t about us—it’s about my wife’s family history. Her parents separated when she and her sister were 11 and 9 years old. There was a dispute over a bank account that was meant for the children and was in their names. After the separation, the father wanted to take the account with him, but the mother refused. In response, he simply left—on a day when he was supposed to take his daughters for the weekend. He just abandoned them. Sadly, this was only the beginning of an even more heartbreaking family story.

The father immediately got involved with another woman, who already had a son the same age as my wife (the son he had always wanted). After the incident with the bank account, there were no significant attempts by the father to maintain contact. Rare birthday or Christmas calls, very infrequent visits. Did I mention that the father lives only 20 kilometers away? There was no lack of money, time, or resources. Yet, he didn’t care for his daughters. He did pay child support, yes, but he didn’t maintain a relationship with them. My wife and her sister were left with emotional scars. This all happened 30 years ago, but the psychological wounds are still there.

So, what’s the issue now? My father-in-law is turning 70. My wife sent him a message asking if he was planning to celebrate. After several days, he replied with an invitation to a restaurant. But as the day approaches, I feel more and more anger building up inside me. I couldn’t hold it in and told my wife how I felt: It makes me incredibly angry that my wife and her sister are giving this man the opportunity to celebrate his birthday and bask in glory he doesn’t deserve.

Our oldest son is almost 14. My father-in-law has never shown any interest in spending time with his grandchildren. He’s seen them maybe 2–3 times, they were happy to see him, and then—nothing. Just like with his daughters.

My wife said it doesn’t matter whether she attends the celebration or not. I said: It does matter! Why? Because by going, she undermines her self-respect and chases after a man who clearly doesn’t care about his daughters. I believe how she handles this situation is important—for her and her sister. I also don’t want to be part of giving him the impression that everything is fine and we’re all friends. This man has made my wife’s and her sister’s lives incredibly sad and caused them immense pain—for no reason. He has no backbone and does whatever his new wife tells him to do because she’s afraid of losing influence over him. Fine, that’s his problem. But chasing after a man like that for a lifetime? Even my mother-in-law told me how great she thinks it is that they’re meeting up with him!?! What!? He never reaches out. Nothing. Just like the last 30 years, my wife and her sister torture themselves with the longing expectation of any sign of interest from him. Watching this makes me incredibly angry!

My question: AITAH for advising my wife to finally cut ties with this man and not give him the chance to escape into a fantasy of a perfect world that doesn’t exist? Of course, I understand that my wife and her sister want to have contact with their father—but
(1) What kind of contact? There isn’t any. And
(2) At the expense of their self-respect?

Thank you for your opinions!

EDIT
Thank you all for your comments.
I’ll work through my anger toward her father on my own and focus on supporting her. It’s just so damn hard to stand by and watch. But you’re right—this anger is mine, not hers. Showing it to her isn’t helping. I just wish she could find a healthy anger—the kind that rebuilds self-respect instead of destroying it. But that’s my burden to carry, not hers.

u/Turbulent_Ebb5669: "And you are the AH for making it about what you want. You're just as bad as he was."
I can take that criticism if you truly mean it. But is that your honest perspective? It’s forcing me to reflect…