this really has nothing to do with anything in particular just, late night thoughts and feeling like a shitty mother per usual. this may be long, i’m sorry in advance.

for some background, i’ll be 23 on the 16th of this month- my daughter is 2, will be 3 in october. Got pregnant when i was 19, had her when i was 20. she’s my first and only child, so im still very much learning. I’m not a single mom, but, I’m not with her dad. i was never with her dad. for most of her life though, i was a single mother. her dad decided to come back into her life when she was 5mo. i’ve been with my fiancé for a little over a year, all-in-all, with the talking stage, we’ve been “together” for 18-19mo. ANYWAYS- i had a very rough upbringing, my dad was very physically abusive, my mom is an angel but, due to her own trauma- she’s kind of emotionally detached and doesn’t do good with talking about things. so, trying to you know- “break the cycle.” my daughter is VERY smart, she is on the same scale as a 4 year old, according to her pediatrician and i believe it. it baffles me at how smart she is. BUT, as any 2/3 year old, her emotions are strong, sudden, etc. of course i expect that. she’s in her “no” stage, her “little miss attitude stage,” and overall just NOT listening. she also knows when she’s testing you, she very much knows. we were living with my mom for a while cause well, economy is kind of trash right now, i was in school for welding full-time, and working fullatime. so, of course grandparents coddle to their every need and any form of discipline is basically swept under the rug. so, she’s VERY spoiled. very used to getting her way (i will say that of course i spoil(ed) her too. i’m a mom lol. what do you expect). she does see her dad often, but, she’s 110% a mommy’s girl. now, we have our own place and i’m taking the disciplinary actions and respect far more serious because i now don’t have someone telling me “she’s just 2” or whatever my mom would say. i ALWAYSSS start with telling her to of course “don’t do that…” and then explain to her why we shouldn’t do whatever she is that she’s doing. most of the time i’m met with “no” and hitting or she’ll say “yes ma’am” and run off and start doing it again. AGAIN, i’ll start with the “don’t do that…” speech and give her like an ultimatum- whether it’s getting sat down in her bed for a few minutes as time out, toys taken away for a few minutes, or a simple pop with my hand (it’s NEVER hard, i’d literally cry myself to sleep if i ever popped her super hard and hate myself for weeks and even now, when i do pop her, i feel like the WORST parent on the face of the earth and start thinking “oh im gonna fuck her up, oh she’s gonna hate me when she grows up” kind of deal.) if i pop her, i never just go straight to popping her. i give her warning after warning, ill tell her i’m going to count to 3 and if i get to three she’s getting a popping. for instance, we have two cats. both of them are rescues, both very young. my daughter has the miniature target shopping cart, and she LOVES chasing the cats with it. she spits in the cats faces (more like blowing raspberries more so than spitting), she tries to like slowly kick them? backs them in corners, EVERYTHING to torment the cats. we have had multiple talks with her, we’ve taken her shopping cart away multiple times, i’ve popped her a few times over it. and nothing works. she gets upset when the cats run from her and she wants to love on them, i’ve explained to her that they don’t like being chased and if you walk up to them. they’ll let you love them, have even shown her. it’ll straighten out for a day or two and then go right back to what it was. now, my last resort is popping her- but, twice now within the last 4mos, there have been two instances where the pops really have hurt her feelings. not physically hurt her, but emotionally. she gets SUPER frustrated, starts screaming at the top of her lungs, crying hysterically, hitting me, etc. and it makes me feel like SHIT cause, ya know, reminds me of my growing up. i have BPD, in DBT therapy and on medication- so sometimes i get a little overwhelmed too quickly. i get agitated with her, ya know. every parent has their moments but im trying damn it and feel like i’m failing.

so- AMITAH? any advice would be greatly appreciated as well.