TW: possible infidelity?, suicidal ideation, alcoholism, disordered eating

Fake names

I (20) was dating Liam (19) for 1.5 years, almost entire time we've been in college. At this point does it matter if we were good? We played like children together, i was happy, we fought, he never told me anything apparently.

Alex (21) started hitting on both of us. Well that's not fair because I noticed them talking a lot first but I was trying to improve on my jealousy issues so didn't say anything. And when Alex invites me out to drink one night we get along fine but they go on about how hot my then boyfriend was. I was so confident in me and Liam that I just take it as a compliment. Alex keeps going and then says they'd never because Liam was 18 when they met and that was a massive ick and they'd never date anyone under 20.

So Alex starts hitting on us one night at a party, forgive me if I'm struggling to tell this I'm drunk. Alex hits on Liam first but I wanted to be better and didn't say anything. When they hit on me I don't think much of it, I figure they're a slut or it's just friendly yk. But I'm young and stupid and enjoy the attention. So I talk to Liam later, no confrontationalness because I'm trying to better. He's like oh my god I do have a crush. But he so clearly just realized it and he must trust me so much to admit it. I miss him. He trusted me enough to admit it and I thought that was sweet so I trusted him back and let him talk about it to me. It was nice I felt so good about things.

I thought it was just a crush between us, maybe a shared crush, I thought it was cute to share a crush. We barely knew Alex i didn't think he wanted anything but sex.

I mean does the story matter? They're dating now and I'm single and I miss Liam. Like 3 days after this we have a threesome. Things had been flirty and I was stupid and naive. According to Liam they "we all" started dating before the threesome though. On the 5th of February, we fucked the 7th, it was mid. On the 5th i was unsure if anything would come out of this or if I wanted anything to come out of this. I'm the 7th i was still unsure but I was horny and it was late and I went along with things.

I still didn't think we were dating. But they forbade me from telling anyone for Alex's reputation. Since he just broke up with another friend. At my party the next day they forbade me from drinking so I wouldn't spill. And I was fine with it, they babysat me through my alloted drinks and didn't let me sit by them bc im "loud and emotional and obvious". I stayed away bc I was throwing a party with all my friends and I was happy and it was the superbowl. They were all over eachother.

I'm only a little stupid, when I started getting home to Alex already in my house, and him in my bed with me and Liam everyday I realized what was happening. And tbf I had sex with Alex after the superbowl but I did think it was a fwb type of deal. Me and Liam had had a line about romantically open relationships and had never discussed opening it like that.

But when I realized I could hardly say I was innocent I went along with all the flirting and let them into my bed. When I realized though, I just trusted him to know what he was doing and to take care of me through it.

I didn't get Valentine's day. I was sad. And he stopped having sex with me which was very sad. We'd never gone more than 1.5 weeks unless we were in different cities. He's very pretty and all the tiktoks abt "forget him he's a 3" make me more sad bc his bicep was as big as my neck and he's a full foot taller than me.

I realized and I trusted him and I went along because I trusted him but I just felt so left out. Everytime we were together. And I never had sex with Alex again, which is less of a tragedy. They were at eachother like virgins who just discovered sex. Which surprisingly Alex actually was he just faked the confidence. I felt left the fuck out.

And like outside of sex I felt left out too, I had engineering exams and they're humanities majors so I'd be like working at super hard equations and they'd be gossiping about their professors or the research requirements of their papers and like my work would be met with a wow that's so beyond me.

At this point I tried to talk to Liam. Specifically about them slowing down, him and Alex. It had only been like a week at this point. So I could more accurately process what was happening and gauge if it was what I wanted. Like I processed i accidentally got into a throuple but as soon as I did i had to process that oh btw it sucks so bad.

So when I tried to talk to Liam he told me his relationship with Alex wasn't my business and I couldn't ask them to slow down. He was all like, you can go as slowly as you want to with Alex though.

"My comfortable pace" with Alex made me feel more left out bc they were together everymight and like agreeing on children and stuff.

Then came exams and I was like ok ill be back in a week I trust him (ignoring the shell shock of what he just told me) I can disassociate through coming home to 2 man all over eachother and being ignored. Especially when I still have my nice moments with Liam who I still love.

Right so that fell apart. I started crying every night bc I hated the throuple, here's 5 examples.

Second attempt at a threesome, I'm not super into it and I don't feel included bc I know what Liam looks like when he's ravenous for me and he wasn't he was ravenous for Alex and giving me my turns. It sucked and I zoned out. So they fucked next to me for half an hour while I zoned out and if I didn't wanna be there I could leave. I sobbed after and Liam sent Alex to deal with me as if I could trust a what, guy I've been dating for 1.5 weeks from where he measured it? Idek if we were dating in my head at that point because to me we weren't dating until it was said and it was only ever discussed when I asked while crying and drunk and unhappy.

After this they START SENDING ME OUT FOR THEM TO FUCK TO NOT UPSET ME. but the excuse they use is SENDING ME TO MAKE BREAKFAST. I do because I was such a damn pushover.

Third attempt is after a party so it's solidly week 2 now since fucking. Alex is high and wants to fuck high, I have to leave the party ): and then like. Liam tries to make me act all submissive like Alex is in bed. Submissive and loud bc he's super easy to please. I did so half heartedly. Im upset bx I've never ever submitted in bed and wouldn't start now. We had a joke that I'm not a brat bc a brat is eventually tamed I was just a bitch (a brat who won't be).

At first i was like haha no wyd, if he really really wanted it he could've asked and we could've set rules. That escalated into a whole ass real fight with yelling. I had to go apologize to Alex after for being bad trip sitters.

You can imagine my state of mind around sex at this point, Liam hadnt tried once solo with me.

Fourth three way I just... I just fucking went with it I didn't care but I didn't want to be cut out of my own relationship again. I didnt even get to touch Liam or cum we just spit roasted Alex and it's not like I can feel the strap. Me not finishing wasn't a big deal.

Into the third week I told Liam I needed him to try with me. He was only passionate once and he fell asleep that time before sex started. "He's too tired for sex". But he can watch TV with me and then says okay let's fuck how at 10 when he knows i have 8ams and I know he has to get up at 5 for the military.

He starts getting mad at me for being mad at him. It becomes a proper row between us, at some point even Alex is so tired of me being upset all the time and crying when he's over that I can hear him through the walls tell Liam "just go fuck him already". Liam comes in like let's fuck and I have a full breakdown.

Liam tells me he wants to hit me. He has Alex comfort me.

I finally decide i want out of this three way. Its week 3. I text in the throuple groupchat (diabolycule) that I'm stepping back a weekend, because I love laim so much i want to think over giving an ultimatum.

That night he asks if it's okay to stay with Alex instead of me since I'm stepping back. He knows I've been crying every night and slipping back into suicidal tendencies. In the shock I say okay.

I cry all night. When he texts I ask if they fucked. He hadn't touched me since Alex joined. He says yes. He tells me he said "flynn would feel terrible" in protest before. I fully crash out. Empty a bottle of tequila call my friends 5am Caines, watch the cops arrest somebody type of crash out.

My bitch ass friends talk me out of breaking up with him (I'm spilling all, at this point I still hadn't been allowed to share abt the throuple).

He broke up with me the next morning.

I was like. Too fragile about things and was always mad at him. The last time I was mad at him properly before the polycule was when he called me a racial slur as a joke. Which he maintains didn't happen. I asked if there was anything I could've done he says no.

Whatever we break up, he's actually very nice after. Comforts me holds me, accidentally says I love you and is super mean after that. Treats me like normal in the carride to our spring break vacation and doesn't talk to me on that vacation. While making out with Alex who he is now OPENLY DATING day after we broke up.

My friends comfort me on spring break, but afterwards nobody but Liam will hang out with me at all, my fucking ex

He tells me to go fuck myself if I call him a cheater. I lose 20 pounds and start failing school. And maybe empty my liquor cabinet. All in a month.

I crash out fully. Like suicide attempt crash out. Nobody but him is hanging out with me anyways bit AND THEY ALL VOTED AGAINST ME IN CLUB ELECTIONS. (Were all leadership in the same club). So like. Don't trust any of my friends, they're hanging out with Liam and Alex. And on top of that I find out they've been complaining to my bff about how stressful watching me crash out is.

So I stop telling them anything.

I win the election anyways, none of them clap. Apparently I'm still saying too much though because today when I say that I'm struggling with trusting people in the groupchat (i know how everyone votes and LIAM) he reacts with 🙄

So we text and he just absolutely insists he did not fuck me over and that he's tried everything to be nice to me. As if I haven't been keeping my mouth shut and also being nice when he brings Alex over to our shared apartment.

So he texts me going on about how I'm horrible for having called him a cheater to people and how he didn't cheat and how he "didn't wrong me" and how I'm the one ruining the cordial relationship by not being over it.

Its been almost 2 months since we first broke up, 49 days to be specific, 41 days since we stopped sleeping in the same bed, and like 25 since we started acting like exes. In public he won't talk to me, it's only in private that he acts like that though.

It feels like I'm the asshole though because all my friends think I should move on already and supporting their new relationship along with not "causing drama" by crashing out. Which i tried to do by not asking for help with the eating and drinking stuff no more. But I'm still too much. He really laid into me I'm not sure if I'm really the reason we things can't just be peaceful. All my friends say they're just tired of hearing about it and worrying about me.