I’m a 22-year-old man going through a divorce with my 21-year-old wife. I still love her, but our relationship has become toxic, and I’m unsure if I’m wrong for wanting to leave. Here’s the story.

When we got married, I was upfront about my finances. I didn’t have much but was willing to work hard to build a future. I told her I could handle hard work, but I couldn’t handle constant stress from her behavior. We had some small arguments before marriage, but I thought things would get better.

In hindsight, those were red flags. One fight led me to lose my job because I became so depressed I couldn’t work. Family and friends pointed it out, but I ignored it. After marriage, I moved to Australia (I’m from NZ), found a job, and got a place. Things seemed fine, but then the fighting started.

We argued a lot about money. I worked 14–16 hours a day covering bills while she didn’t work. I had to cook, clean, and meet her other needs. I tried talking to her about needing support, but she didn’t seem to care. Every time I opened up, I felt dismissed.

Things escalated. The police were called twice—once when she tried to leave and slammed her car window on my arm, and again when I called them to remove her after a huge fight. She was on the lease, so they couldn’t do anything.

There was also an incident where she held a knife to my neck after I took her phone away during an argument. I thought communication was key, but she saw it as me controlling her. I now have a domestic violence (DV) order against me for taking her phone.

I’ve always believed communication is essential in a relationship, but she wouldn’t engage. I’ve tried everything, but she kept shutting me down.

Now, I’m trying to leave, and she’s begging me to stay. She cries every day, and it breaks my heart. I still love her, but I can’t keep sacrificing my mental health. I’ve tried so many times, and every time she cries and begs, I feel stuck.

She’s also made hurtful comments about my mother. My mom can be difficult, but she means well. My wife has insulted her, accusing her of controlling me, which only adds tension.

To complicate things, my wife has lupus, a chronic autoimmune disease that causes symptoms like joint pain, fatigue, and rashes. She says the stress of me leaving is making her condition worse, and she can barely move because of it. I feel guilty, but staying is suffocating. Leaving feels like it makes things worse for her.

I’ve left her before, and each time, she cries, drinks, and claims I’m ruining her health. I’ve returned hoping for change, but it always goes back to the same pattern. She shuts me out, and I feel trapped.

I’m at a breaking point. I’m torn between my own well-being and my love for her. AITAH for wanting to leave, even though I’m still emotionally connected and worried about her health?