First of all: sorry for my english, it is not my native language.

I (37f) am married to my husband (36m) for 7 years now. We have two kids. I've been contemplating and talking with him about divorce, on and off, for couple of years. When I got pregnant with our first kid, I wasn't sure if I was ready for that sort of commitment, but he persuaded me by saying he will be there and we'll do it together. Turns out we had different expectations from this. About the same time I got pregnant he started studying for bar exam. The idea was to finish the exam before the baby came, but he wasn't very commited to studying (he was also working less during this period because he planned to study). This resulted in delaying the bar exam. The baby came, he was really there for the first month, helping and participating, but then he almost vanished: he finally started to study, leaving early in the mornings and returning late in the evenings. He passed the exam a few weeks after our kids first birthday. I, on the other hand, found this 1y period very isolating and hard to process, was very anxious about the baby and being a first time mom. A lot of days spending time with baby alone made me very nervous so I took long walks with baby to my parents house and back, which helped me greatly.

So, afrer this first year, he passed the exam and resumed work, I started working again after maternity leave, enjoyed being a mom more and all looked like pieces are finally starting to fall into their places.

But a new pattern, still active today, emerged: he started working long hours and weekends, often not being there to help with the kids. He admitts that the long hours are mainly because of bad work organisation (he is self employed). He has trouble getting up and prepping in the mornings. I see, when I work from home, that he leaves for work at 11, 12 am. I told him it would be better if he left early (8am) and came back a bit earlier to spend time with us. He also thinks it's better but rarely does so. He comes home 12 pm.

Waking him up in the morning became a dreadful experience for me. He doesnt hear the alarm clock. Either I am trying to wake him up for 30-60mins, while also preparing myself and kids, or he is being rude and I give up and he becomes very angry with me because I didnt wake him up on time. This is very stressful for me: I am waking a grown man for an hour so he can meet his job and family responsibilities, meanwhile he is not helping with the kids because he is sleeping (preping for job and daycare can be very stressful by itself). When it is his turn to take the kids to daycare in the morning either he is late (doesnt bother him) or I cant wake him and I take them instead. On an off chance we are doing a day trip or are leaving for a family vacation, we agree on leaving at 10, but we leave at 13-17h. When I protest about this he says its not that important. Couple of times when he didnt wake up on time, despite me and the alarm waking him up, he said that i am to blame because he didnt get to a meeting in time and lost money. Overall, when it comes to waking him up I feel like screaming and dont want to do it ever again.

I work full time, then I pick up the kids, hang with them, make them some supper, get them to bed. This has been my day for the last 5 years. I hang out with friends sometimes (once in a month or two) or take a walk. I have to make sure to arrange that with husband so he can plan out this out of job time to watch the kids. But this is not something that is predictable and recurring, so i cant really plan a gym 2, 3 times a week, because he can do it this week, but cant do it in the next 2 weeks for example. This also applies for kids activities: he commited to taking 1 kid to sport activites, and he only managed to do it for a month or so before he gave up. He didnt want to take other kid with him to spend time together while waiting for first kid because it is too stressful for him.

I am very dissatisfied with my looks, I gained weight, and am very disapointed ih him, which I think are the reasons our sex life is bad. I just dont feel like doing it while being constantly angry with him. He is frustrated over this.

I try to talk about the problems and sometimes he agrees, sometimes he brings up the point that he is making more money than me, which is true but not that much more (60:40). I pay all the bills, buy and prep the food and do day to day house chores. He cant cook and wont try and sometimes he washes the bathroom. He is very untidy and leaves his stuff everywhere. He is leaving empty bottles and packages out in the open and doesnt bother to trow them away, wont put dirty dishes in the dishwasher unless specifically asked. I try for years to fix this but with no result.

Before the kids, he always talked about how he would like to spend time with family, have sunday lunches together, but now we never do. I feel a bit tricked about that. Sometimes he says that he will try and fix it, and for a week or two he is more present but he gives up fast, saying that he doesnt see much progress on my part. I think that his motivation should be spending more time with us and participating more in family and house activities, and not just sex.

He doesnt want to hear about divorce, doesnt want to be first in his family to get one, says it will ruin the kids permanently and that he would take the kids from me.

He is saying that he loves me every day but i feel very confused about this. He is not doing much to improve all these things i am unhappy with. So i sometimes think are they really that bad, am i overreacting? I talked with two friends. The first, more traditional one, says this is normal and men are like that and I shouldn't divorce him over this. The other, more liberal, also thinks I shouldn't do this and that we will find a way to be ok. I dont know what to do.