TL;DR: Found out my partner of more than a decade was Bi by his reaction when a guy approached us and our kid at the park and I want what I think is pretty innocent revenge.

Me 32F and my partner 39M took our 10yo daughter to the park. A man started to approach him and he angrily mouthed “I’m with my family,” gesturing to us. I asked him how he knows that guy. He claimed he didn’t and totally gaslit me. More than a bit odd considering we moved to this new city recently and haven’t had time to make friends.

I put two and two together and realized he’s been breadcrumbing me for years.

-Mentioning one of his straight presenting friends was into trans to gauge my reaction.

-Has a longtime gay presenting friend that he cracks jokes with in front of me. He always used LGBT terminology I didn’t understand because I’m not a part of the community but now that I’ve done research— def knows more than a straight man should.

-Also uses terminology from the community in the bedroom. I thought it was normal guy talk because he’s the only man I’ve been with in my adult life and I lost my virginity to him. The word choices are too specific to be a coincidence.

-And I’ve started to notice when we’re in public he’s making uncomfortably long eye contact with all the guys.

-Also there are certain types of places he downright refuses to go with me like the gym. He doesn’t go on his own but he has made a big deal about never wanting to go with ME even though he does like to work out and stay fit.

-Also meticulously grooms himself more than any other straight man I know.

-Guards his phone and gets really upset and jumpy when I interrupt him browsing his phone.

-Recently started voicing annoyance that I never leave the house anymore. (Homeschool our daughter and cleaning constantly so I rarely have time.) I do however frequently visit my parents for 2-7 days at a time because of our flexible schedule and haven’t lately.

I’ve taken about two weeks to process this information, grieved quite a bit for what I thought we had. Considered counseling but decided this relationship likely can’t be saved.

I honestly feel bad for him but I cannot accept him deceiving me and having a child with me under these circumstances. I have not let on that I know. We’ve broken up twice after having my daughter. He had plenty of chances to come clean or just decide to live authentically without getting back together.

I would like to have some fun when I tell him I know. My 1st idea was get on the apps and catfish him and then when it comes to the meet up I just show up somewhere in public looking hot in a nice dress. Haven’t had luck finding him on Grindr but put feelers out there to every guy who remotely matched his stats. I don’t want to out him to people he knows, I just want him to feel a little piece of what I felt in a public moment perhaps. Any ideas? The more unhinged, the better.

I have not told anyone. Appreciate any and all advice. Please be respectful. I already feel stupid AF for not seeing it sooner. I really just took him at his word because I had no reason to suspect anything. Haven’t dug very deep in his phone. Should I?