(I will delete this later so please be kind and quick! I just need to clarify because the guilt is eating me alive. Also, i’m a minor. I don’t know if that affects the story but i just wanted to mention. Please don’t use this for anything i just wanted to see if i’m really a bad person and if i need improvement. I’ll delete this soon.)

My sister is a woman who is successful. She has amazing grades, a good career, and people love her. She’s planning to do psychiatry or something and i think her theories when it comes to her projects are really great. I have an undiagnosed depressive disorder. it’s how my therapist referred to it until i stopped receiving therapy, because i met my boyfriend and he made me feel better. Anyways, my sister had depression and advocates for mental health. There’s this celebrity who had ended his life and she’s really upset over.

I look up to my sister because she’s successful and i would hope that she would be able to give me advice about my depression. She’s really focused on manifestation and all she would tell me to do is pretty much just not be sad, to tell myself that i’m the best, to meditate. It was really hard for me to tell myself that and to meditate, all i really wanted to do was tell her my problems instead and wait for myself to feel slightly better before meditating.

But she would become angry that i wouldn’t listen. She would yell at me, call me pathetic for making jokes of my problems, tell me to go away and that she’s tired of hearing me while invading my personal space when having an episode. My mom would always take her side too. They’re pretty much the same person. Even if her advice was good, was it right for her to treat me like that? Before i met my boyfriend, i let people online sexualize me and use me so i could cope with the pain. I just don’t understand because my sister always asked me for advice and when i was stressed and couldn’t give anymore and needed a break, she said i made her sound like the villain.

My Mom & Sister got mad at me for me repeatedly going online like that, i tried to explain to them why i felt this way and that i don’t think their methods helped me and that i want something else. They ended up raising their voice at me and saying i made them sound bad and at one point, my sister went quiet before telling me to get out of her face. When i used to go to therapy, my sister got mad about how i told my therapist she talked too much and kept me awake. I was always afraid to talk to my therapist because of those problems. I know i did something wrong, but all i want is them to comfort me. It’ll help me stop.

Recently, my sister got me an expensive gift. A few days later she started acting up again. My mom sided with her and told me that i shouldn’t make jokes when she’s defensive, despite her doing that to me constantly and that i should understand her point of view. I wish i could write this more without having a panic attack. My stress makes me feel like i’m having vertigo as i forget things. I always try to find it but fragments of my day start disappearing. I’m so stressed. There’s so much more i could say but this is long enough.

AITAH? If i am, please don’t be rude. I’m trying to get help but i just don’t know where to begin. I’m sorry for making this long btw. I’ll delete this soon and i’m sorry for that too, i just needed to make sure that i’m not the bad one here. Sorry for apologizing again.