Am I a terrible daughter? Please help.

Last year, my dad (60 years old) decided to semi-retire and move closer to my sister and I.

We have all had a disjointed / estranged relationship our entire lives but recently had reconnecting and started rekindling our family bond. My dad was a life long alcoholic but somewhat miraculously abruptly quit drinking last year.

After several successful visits we began to discuss and plan co-purchasing a home with an in-law suite for my dad to be able to be able to relocate closer to us. There is a housing affordability crisis where I live, and going in on a property together seemed to be the answer for us to have some housing stability here.

My dad was renting and the property was in serious disrepair. He was always threatened with eviction and had been physically assaulted by his neighbour. I was worried for him and wanted to help him have housing security in his older years and for us (my sister and I) to be able to help him as he aged.

We found a WONDERFUL property with 2 completely separate suites PLUS a cabin/bunkie on the property. The property was located on a gulf island a ferry ride away from my sister and I. We (my sister and I) decided we would remain living at our very reasonably priced rental for now, with possible plans to relocate to the island property at some point in the future.

My dad contributed to a sizeable down payment ($90,000), I contributed my savings at the time ($30,000) and we co-signed onto a mortgage. To note, this purchase would not have been possible without my employment income, as I have a well paying job, and my dad was already unemployed at the time with no income coming in. His main contribution was in the down payment.

Fast forward to the Fall, after countless hours of working with my mortgage broker, realtor, home inspections, appraisals, the purchase was finalized. To note: my dad was still living about 7 hours away so I had to coordinate all of this myself.

I spent countless hours ( making a craigslist ad, travelling to the home, showing the property, filling out tenancy applications, background checks, drafting a lease agreement, etc) and I managed to secure a wonderful tenant for one of the suites to help offset the mortgage.

My dad moved into his suite in the Fall and it’s been nothing but problems since.

My dad is experiencing what I think is mental health related paranoia - he has already made comments to our tenant about “her not setting up wifi in her unit due to radiation”. My dad does not maintain his suite at all - it is completely hoarded and dirty and when we tried to help him clean up he became hostile and agitated. He installed a wood stove and refused to have it certified/checked. There was an incident where he left ashes indoors which smouldered and filled the entire house with smoke, causing the tenant (elderly woman with lung issues) to have a serious asthma attack.

Despite all this I have been trying to work with him, explaining to him the importance of boundaries between him and the tenant as we need her income to help with the mortgage (he can’t afford the mortgage payment without her, and if she moves out I am on the hook to pay the difference in addition to the rent I am already paying for my own home).

Over time my sister and I have furnished the bunkie/cabin and with it being completely separate from my dads living space with its own driveway and entrance, it seemed like a no brainer that this would be our dedicated space on the property.

I let my dad know that we would be looking into putting plumbing in the cabin for my sister and I to have our own self contained area on the property to not impose on his personal space, and after a few days he responded by saying “all accessory buildings are shared ownership and he does not want me putting a toilet in the bunkie, he wants to ask his “friend” to do this, and if I attend the cabin with my contractor he will send us away”.

On several occasions of my sister and I visiting (staying in the cabin/bunkie), he has already been hostile, mainly fixating upon me: pushing past me into the bunkie/cabin to turn off the thermostat, and saying I’m “purposely trying to rack up his heating bill”. He has also monitored how many times I flush the toilet, and how long I took a bath for (in his suite) and accused me of purposely wasting water.

He has called me names, and recently accused me of conspiring to put him in a mental hospital (which never happened). I have tried several times to calmly explain that we need to discuss boundaries and responsibilities re the property but he has ignored my emails about this .

I told him we all need to respect one another and we all deserve to feel safe in OUR home. Now, it feels like he is trying to push me out of this co-ownership situation, which I am legally on title as 50% owner and financially responsible for on mortgage, but I don’t even feel safe or comfortable going there anymore with his unpredictable hostility and accusations.

I feel confused, let down, blind-sided, scared and angry about having gotten myself into this mess with him. I’ve already suggested we go to family counselling or a mediator and he said he will not, that “I need to get the grey matter in my brain checked”.

I feel like this whole set up with the tenant is on thin ice and if she leaves, we will both struggle to make the mortgage payments. I love this property and saw it as a way for my family to have roots here on the coast and possibly a long term plan to move there with my sister, work remotely, and support my dad to age in place in later years. But this has become such a nightmare and I am getting sick of dealing with him. I have empathy for his apparent mental illness but feel like it is too much of a liability to be attached to this property with him. I am leaning towards exploring ways of paying him out (paying him back the money he contributed for the down payment) and taking him off title and off the mortgage but don’t even know how or where to start. AITAH for wanting my dad out of our co-owned property?