AITAH for having the desire for our kids to be more independent as they transition to adulthood? I believe in supporting and helping your kids by giving time and energy. I also support the idea of helping them financially if in a pinch, but I struggle with routinely supporting them.

For context, my wife and I have 4 kids. Our older girls (20 and 17) are from her prior marriage, and we have a 11 yo and a 8 yo. Our 20 year old moved out roughly a year and a half ago. We are co-signed on our oldests car loan, cover the car insurance, and continue to pay for her cell phone. She routinely comes over to have dinner with us, which I wouldn’t change. When she leaves she effectively “shops” at our house (toilet paper, food, etc). More and more of our cook wear is ending up at her apartment.

From my perspective, my wife’s ‘extraness’ extends beyond this. We’ve had snacks for delivery drivers that she routinely stocks since COVID. My older daughters work at the same employer in which she signed a waiver forgoing their right to have a lunch. So my wife regularly stocks the employer with snacks. I absolutely want our girls to be able to eat, but they makeup less than half of the employees, so we are feeding more than just them.

I suspect some of this comes from our different upbringings. I am the only child of a middle class family. While I had my fair share of experiences growing up, they largely surrounded what my parents wanted to do. My parents did not spoil me by any means, and I had to earn the things I had. My wife is the oldest of 4 kids with largely a single mom (had one stable father figures, but not her paternal father). Low income family. Nonetheless, her mother showed love via gifts/material goods.

I’ve tried to talk to her in the past, but the discussion is not productive. I believe that the solution is somewhere in the middle, as I can see how we both might be on the extremes. But, I’d love to hear thoughts and perspectives, as I am not blind to the fact that I may be in the wrong. I should add that we are doing fine financially, and are able to afford a comfortable lifestyle (comfort meaning all of our needs are met). She is able to stay at home with the kids, though some days I’m sure she’d rather work instead. 🤣 I couldn’t do what she does on a regular basis, and my wife is the glue to our family.

AITAH for wanting to do less?