My (38f) wife (35f) has a good friend (36m) from high school that moved to another state years ago. Every once in a while he comes back to our home state to visit and will hit up my wife to hang out. He isn't my favorite person. He's very unmotivated, hates the idea of real responsibility when it comes to being an adult, and has made comments to my wife that imply he's jealous of our life. She's also told me a lot of stories about when they used to hang out how he wouldn't take care of his belongings, his car and bedroom were always disgusting, and he often would look unshowered.

For a brief period of time during the pandemic we lived with my uncle, and my wife had this friend over to hang out. It was my first time meeting him, and him and I didn't make the best first impression with each other. Once my wife and I got our own place, and he was home visiting, she invited him over to our house to hang out. On this occasion, it was 10pm at night, I was already in pajamas (no bra and a see through shirt,) and I told her if she insists on having him over they can use the back door to our basement to go inside and outside for smoking purposes and hang out in the garage, and I would remain upstairs. She was insisting that I was treating him like a dog by basically not letting him in the house and making him use the back door. I then fell asleep upstairs at some point in the evening. While the two of them were out at the garage, he offered her ecstasy and they did it together. I found out about this the next day. After this I REALLY did not like the guy. At that point I told her he is not welcome in our home at all ever again, which led to multiple arguments. This incident occurred around Christmas 2022.

Fast forward to Easter weekend 2025, and the guy is here visiting again. I was trying really hard to be open minded about the whole thing and initially told my wife she can have him over our house for a couple of hours to smoke weed on Saturday night. As the hangout time was approaching I was feeling extremely uncomfortable with the idea of him coming to our house and I was struggling to stay emotionally regulated. I asked my wife if we could go out with him instead of inviting him to our home, and I offered to treat for whatever we do. I was just feeling uncomfortable with the idea of him coming to our house, and wanted to get to know him more somewhere else outside of our home. My wife was insistent that smoking weed had to be part of the hang out and she was only willing to do that with him at our house, even if it's outside our house as long as that's before dark. I suggested multiple things we could do where smoking in the parking lot beforehand would've been perfectly fine to do, but she was insistent that she was unwilling to do that for anxiety reasons. I also said I wanted time to eat dinner before we see him, so that was going to delay the hangout to when it was already dark out, meaning my wife was only willing to smoke with him inside of our house at that point.

We are struggling to see eye to eye on this. She keeps saying I was very insistent on things being my way, I treat her friend like crap, and I'm trying to control her plans with him by putting stipulations on the way the evening goes. I feel she's the one who is being insistent that smoking weed is a requirement when they hang out, and that she is unwilling to smoke weed outside somewhere other than our driveway before it gets dark outside. I'm having such a hard time not seeing it as she's the one putting stipulations on the evening, not me. Am I the asshole with this situation by not wanting her friend over before I get to know him better, and also for thinking that smoking weed at our house shouldn't have to be a requirement for hanging out with him?