Throwaway account for obvious reasons.

This is a bit of a long story, but my wife (31) and I (35m) have been together 12 years, married 4 and have 2 children (aged 1 and 3).

I found being a dad really difficult, I work in a high pressure job and work long hours, and I moved away from my family and friends when I met my wife, to be closer to her family. I do not have any support really within 100 miles.

The last 4 years have made me realise how lonely I feel, when all I did was work, prioritise children and - in this economy - struggle to make ends meet. Hobbies were a luxury we couldn't afford, as was visiting my family as it meant a hotel etc. and so I just put head down and tried to grind it out. Every 2-3 months I went into a mental pit and struggled for a week usually to get out, anxiety, worry, fear and loneliness combined... I did CBT to help and was making improvements.

My wife and I never discussed having a third child. My wife knows my mental health suffered with our current children (both pregnancies were rough, the second resulted in our child coming 8 weeks early which was awful). I was quite clear from the birth of our second that I was done. I am one of three, and my little brother was a 'mistake' and it tore my family apart - I do not have fond memories after he was born, my dad lost all patience and took it out on us, eventually leaving several years later. It is a big trigger for me.

I begged my wife to go on contraception but she refused, she also often refused to let me wear a condom, saying it was not as good for her, and got mad when I suggested it (to the point I frequently got quite upset and we didn't have sex). On those times I gave in and we didn't use a condom, or she took it off midway, I would have panic attacks after. There were times when my wife said not to worry, and that if she got pregnant she would abort it.

Anyway, the stress got too much and I made the decision to get a vasectomy in January this year. From the date I booked this (circa October 2025) my wife's behaviour changed - she was more aggressive in her resistance to condoms, and she initiated sex way more often. Looking back I was a naive idiot.

My wife started complaining about being unwell etc and so she took a test 2 weeks ago... She's now 14 weeks pregnant and so end of December would have been date of conception... She claims to have taken a test at the end of Jan which was negative.. I do not know if I believe her.

I am not on board with having a third, and I explained I feel trapped and part of me feels this was manipulated (she refutes this and perhaps I am being unfair). I reminded her of what she said about abortion and whilst she accepts it was said, it was a 'heat of the moment' thing...

When I had the vacectomy I was so apologetic to her, that I could not give her what she wanted, and I said I would support her if she decided she needed to leave and find someone else to have a bigger family even if it broke my heart to say (she's only 31 so has lots of time).

My position is that if she goes through with having the child, I cannot commit to remaining with her... Not only as I fear it will cripple me financially and mentally, but a big part of me feels betrayed by her actions. Whilst we are both responsible for getting pregnant, my failings are naivety and weakness... Hers I feel were more calculating and manipulative...

I am so torn, I love my children but when I think of 'going back' to that place of dark thoughts and loneliness etc. I feel sick to my stomach. I do not want to feel that way around my children, and think I'd be a better dad away from my wife if she forces me to raise another child...

AITAH.....?

EDIT: People saying this is fake. It isn't, not sure how I can prove it. To be clear, I will not walk out on my children. I will give everything I have to make sure they are taken care of, and I will be involved in their lives as much as I possibly can.