Try to explain best I can so this makes sense and there’s enough context. I (28) and partner (32) have been together for a few years. We will call my s/o drew and the friend Chad. They have been best friends for over 12 yrs at this point, probably half their life really. Both from the same small town. A rather conservative town if you will. There are some really small minded and immoral views on a lot things in this area. Chad is someone who has no social media and purely consumes news and history articles, also Reddit I’m pretty sure lol. So when he comes over, the conversation ends up being in the realm of these topics. Frequently relating to what’s going on in the world as of recent. Drew warned me of this being something that happens often and he just checks out and tries to not give much to the conversation. He can’t stand conversations around these topics. We as a couple only speak of these types of things when voting comes around. We have similar beliefs on the things that matter to us. He very much views it as nonsense and fear mongering bs. The news and media etc. (I have to also add that I can not comfortably bring my gay or black friend over to group events in fear of him saying something offensive or just plain dumb. Drew actually prefaced with this before I did. Because he knows that he’s kind of unpredictable) this doesn’t always happen but we just really don’t know.

Now i on the other hand really care about what’s happening in the world. Especially things in which relate to myself and those around me that I know are effected. I just care about strangers and the world as a whole. So to be fair remarks that have been made are not directed at me specifically typically (sort of) . One thing that was not directed at me (because they don’t know my history) but in regards the current administration was that most women who accuse high power individuals of s/a are lying. This irks me for many reasons. But especially because I am one of those people who was abused and spoke out and no one believed. And I know soooooo many others with the same story. That mindset to me speaks to exactly why victims are not heard. Again, not directed at me but really hurtful to hear. Triggering.

Chad has said a lot of out of pocket things but this is one that really hit home for me. It just tells me the kind of person he really is (which I already really saw through many other interactions)

And now to the recent interaction. We got together with Chad and another few friends of theirs (we do this nearly every weekend) and he gets started with usual talk. We sit to eat and I make a comment about not caring for a person on tv for supporting hitler. Now I knew this would spice him up. And it certainly did. They poked their head around to look at me and said why? Immediately challenging the remark. (Trust me I get it, I already knew before I said it he would probably respond) In a round about way they basically say hitler was really well liked and supported (conveying that was what the person on tv was saying) and he was essentially responsible for way less deaths than Stalin so he’s really not the worst. Also added that he was a narcissist. The kicker is , when he came back around to repeat what he was responsible for he trailed off… proving my point really about why it was horrible to support this person or speaking kindly of them. in the middle of this conversation I was slowly coming down with something and ended up being very sick. Puking for hours and had an agonizing migraine. I had to go lay down and take a shower and hide in my room miserable.

Before I leave , after I just stop responding he rambled on about history and about how people like to get emotional…. I knew immediately this was a dig at me because he frequently calls everyone not agreeing with current administration (which resembles fragments of devastating history all to well right now) emotional.

I then find out later he asked Drew if he upset me. To me , knowing this guy, it’s feels like pure fishing to start something. Especially going back to the remark about people getting emotional. Drew really doesn’t pay attention to things like that but I am very observant. He told him no that I was just sick. This guy wouldn’t care if he bothered me. Because in my mind , if he did these conversations wouldn’t keep coming up. He just wants to prove his messed up point.

I was bothered most definitely but mostly at the tiny digs about being emotional. Because I simply just give a fuck about a lot. And then the coming back around to ask my partner that. I spoke today with Drew about at the very least spreading out time between visits. I tried to talk to him a little a day after and he didn’t want to get into it. Fair. But I had to tell him how I felt and what I thought about this. He asks me every time if it’s okay that he comes by (because this is an ongoing uncomfortbility for myself and even him) and I always say he doesn’t have to ask but now it feels to me that needs to change. I’m just not sure how justified I am. I actively don’t put myself around people with hurtful views. Not opposing but hurtful. So I really don’t feel I should have to do it in my home. Drew said this was fine but still seemed really frustrated. Which I get. He’s loves this person and I want to love who he loves but this person is not someone I want to give an ounce of my energy. He made a comment like “guess I’ll start slowly cutting him out” which I never said I wanted , then to “I’m not getting inbetween my best friend and girlfriend”. He’s not a great communicator and struggles to recognize certain emotions or triggers in himself as do I. I think hence the back and forth of “cut him out” to “not getting inbetween.” I don’t get the upset when he is even nervous for him to be around my friends? But not me? In my own home. Which I pointed out to him. Again he agreed but is stressed about it becoming a bigger issue as time goes on. To me, this isn’t a friend you keep around. But I get the complication with the longevity of the relationship. I tried explaining in regards to “getting in between” that I as his partner should be who he defends. If I’m wrong tell me later but don’t let this person say certain things that are blatantly hurtful to me. It’s never gotten to this point because his friend doesn’t outwardly attack. Just feels like it’s going to come to that point eventually. I’m not sure where else to go with it until he decides what he wants to do with the friendship.

So now to the title if you’ve gotten this far, am I an asshole or over emotional for asking Drew to limit our time spent together with Chad?

In case anyone suggests setting a boundary of no political talk we discussed that. But it just comes back to me because Drew has never expressed discomfort to his friend about it. So he would know he upset me and then it’s thick air between them. And myself. And that’s not the only time he spews hateful words.

Sorry for such a long post. Hope someone reads and has some helpful advice. I’m open to anything.