AITAH for wanting to speak publicly about my own abuse?

Hello. I 36F have been involved in a recent criminal case along with three close friends and two family members. We have all been sexually assaulted or raped by the same man. That man is now in prison for decades, convicted on multiple counts of rape and sex abuse. He may well die there.

The difference between me and his other victims is that I was married to him for over a decade. He assaulted me in the same ways he did them, and physically assaulted me also. Due to my past relationship status with him, my family members specifically do not view me as a victim and have not throughout this whole ordeal. They have literally said so, and also shown me so in various ways. Note - I was unaware of his assaults of my friends and family for many years because most were too afraid to speak up, understandably. I was living with his abuse but thought it was only me, and my fault, so I also never spoke up. To bury it all and remain silent so often seems easier to victims of assault. Only once one of his victims came forward was I able to find the courage to leave. Once I did that, the dominoes began to fall.

I would like to speak publicly about this because I think my experience - coercive control, marital rape, gaslighting, emotional and mental manipulation, physical abuse, sexual abuse - is horrifyingly common but not often talked about. People often seem to view domestic abuse and assault survivors in a separate category to survivors of other types of abuse. It's easier to question its validity due to having consented at some point and then forgiving the abuser or hoping they'll change - as if somehow the victim chose the abuse because they stayed after the first instance. It is not so black and white as walking away. Anyone who has been in an abusive relationship can speak to that.

I think my story could help other women. I want to advocate for women like me and help anyone I can to avoid ending up where I was. I have learned so much and there is light at the end of all the darkness. I think I could impart some valuable lessons and if I can help even one woman find the courage to escape, or help one woman to see the early signs and get out BEFORE any abuse even starts, it is worth it. It's because of the one that came forward that I was able to speak my own truth, after all. And then many others followed. There is power in even one voice, if only it is heard. I also want the chance for other unknown victims of his to find closure, knowing he is behind bars, or come forward with their own stories, if they wish. It's because of this that I want to specifically name him. If everyone is unnamed, those victims may never have the chance to know their rapist is in prison. One specific victim of his has found closure after two decades and even managed to attend the sentencing.

Having said all that, two of the victims, N and B - both family members of mine - don't even want me speaking entirely anonymously as they still believe somehow their names will be found.

I don't have a big online presence and never have but I posted something on social media following his sentencing (with all of their consent) that garnered a few thousand views and so caught the attention of a global news outlet. I hadn't expected this to happen. I posted what I posted for my own closure, but hoped it might help someone too. I had a preliminary call and told them I wanted to respect the other victims' right to privacy, should they not wish to be included, but that I was happy to have my name and his name published. They said the story they want to write is focused on me anyway because they thought my message was important. The other victims were fine with this, provided they remain anonymous, so I set up an interview. A week or so later I canceled at N and B's request because they told me they did not like that specific outlet, nor trust the journalist's motives. I was disappointed, but respected their wishes immediately and without question.

I then considered doing a podcast. I hadn't thought what I'd posted would resonate with so many people. I listen to a lot of trauma survivor stories and true crime etc. I reached out to a few and told the victims I had done so, but that I would not mention any of their names or speak on their assaults any more so than I'm doing right now, though if they wanted to be involved, they could be.

N and B have since told me that they do not consent to my speaking on my own experience in any way - podcast, newspaper, blog - nothing. They believe they will be relentlessly pursued and dragged into a "media frenzy" and fear they will have to relive the details of their assaults all over again. They have told me they will never speak to me again, should I move forward on any public opportunities. On top of that, it wasn't stated explicitly, but heavily implied that the peace of the entire family now rests on my total silence and compliance with their particular needs and version of healing.

N and B have told me I am doing this for "media attention" and "compliments" which is not the case, and I have told them I want to do this for the above reasons many times. I posted what I posted for closure and those same reasons. They choose to ignore them and push their own "clout chasing, attention seeking" narrative despite my never having been a person who finds validation in that way, ever. I have never had an online presence, never posted much more than my animals until now, because I felt it was an important message to women and any would-be rapists out there - we can beat the system that is so often rigged against us and hold these men accountable if we can only find the courage to speak up. Lots of abuse survivors tell their stories for the same reasons that I would like to. It will help other women. And, in knowing that, it will help me to heal, too.

They have told me instead to do local charity work for battered women. I have already considered this and reached out but my whole reason for wanting to speak out on a wider platform is to help women that maybe do not yet know they are being abused because the nature of this type of abuse is so insidious - I never knew it was happening until I was out of it.

I absolutely do not agree that speaking about MY own lived experience - having been married to a predator and serial rapist who has abused and assaulted me, and made an attempt on my life - would drag them into any frenzy. This case is closed, he was found guilty. We are normal people. We are not celebrities, we are nobodies - there is nothing salacious or scandalous to be found and no reason for anyone to attempt to hunt down some unnamed victims on the fringes of my own story. I have received exactly zero harassing messages from what I've already posted, and they have not been identified, despite their first names even being mentioned (again, with consent before posting). Even with his name or mine and some savvy internet search skills, I don't believe there's reason for them to fear a "frenzy" of any kind. I listen to these types of podcasts often because they've offered me some sense of comfort and support that my experience is not uncommon. I want to do that for other people, I want to give that back. I have yet to come across one podcast where the speaker was hounded after speaking out, particularly if it's a closed case. What would be the point? At most, I anticipate a few internet trolls who can be easily ignored. The media does not attack every day rape victims whose rapist was convicted.

I feel strongly that speaking out can make a difference. My family's attempts to silence me through emotional blackmail and weaponising my love and loyalty for them mirror his own abuse tactics - the ones I lived with for many years. The irony in this kills me. Abuse victims so often stay silent. It's only because one didn't that we are here now - and it's that same victim who is telling me I'm selfish and attention seeking, that I must comply with her wishes lest she cut me out of her life forever.

I understand they want to heal privately and put this behind them, but I want to advocate publicly for people who are, were, or are yet to be in my specific position. I believe those two things can exist at once. We live on separate continents and have for twenty years, we have different last names. I do not believe anyone in the media is going to go to the trouble of tracking them down, and if they do, all they would have to say is "no comment". If anyone comes asking, they're under no legal obligation to speak to them. I would be the face, name and voice behind my own story simply because it is MY OWN. I'm not speaking to theirs because I didn't live it; it is not about them. I don't believe it's fair that they dictate whether I am a victim or not, how I advocate for myself or others, nor how I choose to heal and process. I would never dream of telling anyone they could not speak to their own trauma if they wanted to. I don't believe they need my consent to speak to their own specific experience, just as I do not theirs.

So, I am considering going ahead with it anyway. I have done nothing but support every single victim of his throughout this ordeal. I have sought out victims - I have offered them a voice if they wanted it, I have got consent every step of the way because that's what this entire thing has been about. I have tried to do everything I can to facilitate the healing of those he hurt. N and B resent and blame me for being the one married to the man who would do this, though they claim otherwise. And I understand that, I really do. I blamed myself for a long time but rape is no one's fault but the rapist's.

And so, if they think so little of me - that I would sensationalize my own trauma and reduce it to nothing but gossip, all for attention - my relationship with them is already irreparably damaged. Why not try and help others.

TL;DR - my ex-husband is a convicted rapist who assaulted and raped me, my friends, and my family. Most stayed silent for years. One came forward and set off a chain reaction which ultimately led to his conviction. I want to advocate for abuse victims by telling my story but I'm being told by my family I only want fame and to stay quiet or else they will cut contact with me forever. I think I'm going to do it anyway.

AITAH?