I tried to make it short but there are so many things I feel should be considered. So unfortunately, it’s still long, sorry.. TL;DR…

My boyfriend (I typically refer to him as my husband everywhere else, in case anyone should peep my profile and be confused) and I had a comical engagement on April 1st. It really was sweet, and I highly appreciated it. That was a very memorable day for me.

He reached out to his brother to let him know I had said yes, and his brother informs him that he has decided to marry his girlfriend of 6 months so she doesn’t have to go back home next year when her visa runs out. I don’t have any issues with them wanting married even though they made sure everyone knew that they were only getting married so that she could gain citizenship, and if they ever didn’t work out in the next couple years before she gets it that they would tackle that when they got there. I feel the meaning behind a marriage doesn’t quite match their goal.. But, be that what it may, I’m not angry with them about that.. and it’s really none of my business that they’re getting married so that she can become a citizen. That’s fine, live your life or whatever other corny thing fits. Be happy, do you. I’ll support. But we didn’t think they would go through with a marriage this quickly.

This is where I’m met with criticism, mostly from people of other platforms that tend to have a nicer crowd overall, so I’m not sure why I expect different results from reddit of all places.. but I’m hoping someone gets me.

They got married three days after we announced our engagement. The same weekend we entertained having a little party is when they had their wedding. It wasn’t like a “last-minute wedding because her visa is running out soon.” Her visa runs out next year. It also wasn’t pre-thought out or planned in any way. I don’t care about decor or what store you bought it from type of planning, it’s not about the cheapness of the wedding… it’s more of just like a timing thing. Like you have a year, and you choose to do it
the weekend after our engagement? I’ve always heard that it’s just something you don’t do..maybe that’s not a well-held opinion.

I got a call from BIL at 2 o’clock in the morning, he works nights, and he told me that they were having a little “get together party” at his house at 5:30pm later that day, and that he was really hoping we could make it and to make sure we bring his niece. I was extremely confused why he’d be calling me at 2 o’clock in the morning for a party that was almost 14 hours in the future instead of just texting me, or that he felt the need to specifically mention bringing our daughter, but I left it at that and I told him that was fine and we’d see them then. No problems there. I suppose this could qualify as me being self-absorbed, but I was actually really happy that we were gonna get to see the family for the first time since our engagement. The only times in my life that I would actually appreciate, even slightly, being the center of attention is a birth of my child, my engagement and my marriage, so I was a little bit excited to hear even just a couple “congratulations” from the family.

We were not told it was going to be the BIL’s wedding, but when we showed up we found out that we were pretty much the only ones that didn’t get told. So we completely came unprepared. No wedding gift, no congratulations card, and we weren’t even wearing that nice of clothing. We were just in regular street clothes, while everyone else was all decked out. We definitely stuck out like a sore thumb in the family photo.

Our 1.5yo didn’t wanna sit still though the whole hour and a half long ceremony, so I took her to another room to keep her semi-quiet and entertained so that there wasn’t a crying child on the video of the ceremony. I thought I was being cordial and respectful, but I’m being told that I ruined it. She was also cranky because she hadn’t eaten dinner, and by the end of the ceremony she was already 3 hours past the time we usually eat. I feel anybody would be a little cranky about that, but I’ve been told my child isn’t resilient enough at her age and that I’m letting her get away with too much. They had bought us all food for dinner, so we skipped our own dinner to eat with them but we didn’t know we would be eating so late (and that I wouldn’t be able to feed her the food they bought.) I tried to make that happen…and somehow I screwed that up too.

The woman who married them had some extremely explicit things to say about their wedding night and the night of their first anniversary. My jaw honestly hit the floor and I was blushing like a young teen — that’s saying a lot. When I had finally realized she had started saying those things I took my ever-learning child out of the room so she didn’t pick up on any new words. I disguised it as needing to change her diaper, because I did not want to say anything that might ruin their day. I did what I could to accommodate to the plans we (and they) had made and to be supportive because I figured they’d appreciate us being there.

But now, not only am I left feeling that our own life step is invisible, I’m sad that we didn’t exactly have our “moment” because the brother got married so soon after our engagement. I was also stressed about the day, because we were left out of the wedding memo, they didn’t want me feeding her the dinner because they weren’t ready to eat yet (but complained she was cranky,) they gave nasty looks because she was crying during the ceremony (but thought it was rude I walked out with her,) and they were put off because we had to leave when our daughter was getting tired and everyone there had started drinking heavily (we do not drink, problems in the past and we also just don’t want to be around it.) I really did try to accommodate to their wedding plans, and make it as stressfree as possible with a very young child.. but now I’m left feeling like I’m just a big jerk that just barged in and ruined the day.

On top of feeling sad that my own engagement got over-shadowed by their marriage in the moment, I’ve seen my fiancés parents numerous times since then and we haven’t even gotten a simple “congratulations” or a small acknowledgment that it even happened. It was just them there, no brother. If BIL had been there we would’ve made a little party out of seeing all of them. I thought “congratulations” was just something that you said to newly engaged couples, but I’m being made to feel like I am entitled for thinking we would even get a congratulations, even after watching the way they fawned over the newly-weds. I’m honestly just really feeling bummed out, and the next available time that anyone is going to be able to come to a party (even slightly at the same time so we can involve everyone important,) is weeks from now. I know that I shouldn’t exactly be all that worried about including everyone since the schedules are so vastly different, but I wanted to try and make it work. However, after all the things that have been said to me the last couple days I really don’t even feel like having one now. I feel like shit. Maybe that’s the part that makes me entitled, but it’s not like I’m demanding a congratulations or some major celebration, it’s just a bit bummy because it would just be really nice for all our years of hard work, and all the love we’ve built and put into our family to be verbally recognized. Especially since my side of the family couldn’t care less about what’s going on in my life since I didn’t choose the life path they wanted for me.

I have been called every name in the book over this situation including rude, childish, immature, self-absorbed, and entitled. I seem to be on a winning streak of being “a horrible future DIL,” “a helicopter parent,” and “a complete nightmare of a human being.” To me, those insults don’t really match the situation..Maybe they just didn’t exactly understand where I’m coming from?? Although in all reality, I have begun to accept that I am the AH. So, r/AITAH connoisseurs, final verdict… can I add AH to the list too, or am I safe?