TW FOR HINTED SUICIDAL/DEPRESSED LANGUAGE

I just had a discussion with my boyfriend and something feels off. I don't know if I am being a bad person or what. Here is how the conversation went:

For context: I attempted to break up with him maybe 2 weeks ago, but we decided to stay and work through our problems. He has a history of trauma and doesn't like to talk about it. I have also been a bit less affectionate since the break up and have been calling later at night. He often wants to call for 4+ hours and Ive found myself wasting my free time because I feel like I have none due to calling. I barely call still and I feel bad.

Us: Calls around 2 on the phone I say I was going to talk but had some school work to do. He says go do it so it's all done with (causing me to call later). I ask if he's in a bad mood because his tone sounds off. He says he's done with everything and hates his life and wants to go.

Me: on text Please promise me you're not going to do anything to harm yourself. I love you. Please calm down. Rant to me, I understand and never would judge you. I know what its like to feel aggravated with everything, but obviously not to the same extent. So please let me know if I can do anything, otherwise Ill give you some space. I love you and Im always here for you

Him: on text replying with nonsense because he wants to avoid the subject Orchestrated the attack by a man in a white T pain vest who is now a police sergeant in a white uniform with a black shirt on the front of his head and a black shirt on his chest ttyyy he was not in a police officer and was in the police officer 👮‍♀️ uniform guttghgdrf desegregation

Me: on text What?

Him: I don't want to rant

Me: What do you want baby?

Him: I don't know if you could help

Me: Thats okay. Do you need reminders of how much I love you? Like last night?

Him: I don't want to talk to you for a while

Me: Okay. Did I do something?

Him: Im upset. I'm mad. I'm sad

Me: At me?

Him: A little

Me: Can you tell me why? I'm not offended, I just want to know?

Him: Because I always feel like I do whatever I need to make you happy, tell you how much I love you, or anything else.

Me: You do! Thank you for that.

Him: But today you didn't answer my call. You said you would call back very soon but then you went to eat

*For context, he called me and the call woke me up. It was 12pm, late lol, so I sent him the following texts and denied the call, because I was going to get up, get ready, and eat the breakfast my dad made. I have issues with my dad and he gets upset if I don't eat what he cooks (he's old and divorced and trying to cook). I called my bf 30 mins later and he didn't answer. So here is a flashback to those texts:

Me: I slept in. Ty for waking me. I am peeing. Are you okay.

Him: Idc. Answer 😖

Me: Please give me a second. Are you okay? I'm going to eat. Are you okay? I had a dream I had a baby. all texts are within 5 - 10 mins of eachother Are you okay?

Him: hey

Anyways, flashforward to texts from above:

Me: I had just woken up from a bad dream nd I had to eat the breakfast my dad made or else he would be sad

Him: And I feel like I come last in a lot of things. Its like I'm putting forth energy that I’m not seeing in return. We didn't have to call for a long time.

Me: How long have you felt this way?

Him: You couldn’t just called for a second to see what was up?

Me: I did.

Him: You didn't. You called 40 minutes later

Me: 30 mins later and you did not answer. What do you feel I am prioritizing above you? What do you want to change?

Him: Yes because you waited thirty minutes. I was done

Me: done with what?

Him: With it. I needed you

Me: Whats it?

Him: With it. The topic. What I wanted to talk about. How I feel.

Me: What was the topic

Him: doesn't matter

Me: Pls tell me

Him: I don't want to even get into it

Me: Was it related to your life/mental health?

Him: Im not saying I would have called you back immediately but I wouldn't have said Id Call back in a second and then call you 30 minutes later. And yes.

Me: I’m sorry. I'll do better in the future. Thanks for telling me. Anything else?

Him: Even when I’m sad I baby you. No matter what I try to make you happy. But you delegate me last. I don't feel loved.

Me: sends screenshots from last night

For context of last night: He got off the phone saying he hates his life and wants to go. I then sent him texts saying all this:

Me: I want to remind you how amazing you are in my eyes. You are sweet, interesting, smart, funny, handsome, kind, stylish, perceptive with history and politics and culture, you have so many interests and sometimes I think about how smart you sounded telling me what classes you want to take in college or when you answer in class. You're going to name of college!! I'm so, so proud of you. And not just for your achievements But because you are so patient, because you try for me, because you have such a loving heart despite it all I know its hard for you to see it all the time, but I just want to remind you of how good, how lovable you are I'm here for you. I want us to work through this. You don't deserve to feel like you hate yourself and life. You tell me when I feel this way that it can change if I work towards it healthily. Baby the same is for you. I love you. And you're my baby.

Him: Okay

Me: And I love you and Im proud of you and you are worth so much Do you wanna talk about it baby? Or anything in general, it can be positive? I'm here to help u get your mind off things and be happy

Him: No, I wanna go to bed

Me: Okay Did I say anything that upset you just then? Or seemed shallow

Him: No.

Then we said love you goodnight. Anyways fast forward to me sending screenshots to reiterate that I am trying too.

Him: Yeah, you did last night.

Me: Are there any other instances where you've felt this way, or was it just this morning? Your feelings are valid, I just want to know so I can be more cautious

Him: I don’t mind if some days we don’t talk until night, but it’s almost every single day while on break we don’t talk until night. I get it you have things to do especially school work and just your own hobbies. I don’t want to be first but I’m literally last. I’m the last thing you do a lot of the time. I’m just always trying to tell you how good you look, how I love you, how your smart and other things but it’s like you can’t help me at all.

I felt sad when he said this because I am trying, but we've stopped doing secual stuff on my preference. Idk if it has to do with that. I agree I'm not doing compliments with the same frequency I used to, but I still help him the best I can, especially with school work. I have been calling him late and I get why he would feel upset here.

Me: I try so hard to ask you how you are, how your day has been, tell you that you are handsome and smart and that Im proud of you. What do you need me to change? I'm not accusing you, Im genuinely trying to figure out what I need to fix so you feel loved. I understand why you wouldn't w the calling at night.

Him: to answer me. To not make me the very last thing on your schedule.

Me: I'm sorry. I will try. Is there anything else?

Him: Maybe I’m wrong but it’s not often. It’s like once a day. I feel like I’m saying that to you multiple times a day.

Me: Read through our texts. I feel like I am trying but I agree it's not as much as I used to, and Im sorry. Actually, don't look Because the way you've been feeling is understable. I will try my best. Okay?

Him: alright

Me: you have anything else you wanna talk about?

Him: No im wired out

Me: Do you need a bit

Him: I just want be gone

Me: What?

Him: I hate everything. I hate everything. It’s terrible.

Me: Hey hey. Talk to me?

Him: I don't want to

Me: Its okay to feel this way, but Im worried about you

Him: Because of everything I said above I don’t feel heard taking to you

Me: I understand why you do and Im always here for you. Why not? I'm taking everything you said into consideration

Him: You didn’t Answe earlier. Because we brought this up before. When you wanted to break up. And earlier this week you asked if I was upset many times. That’s another thing I hate myslef I hate everything but even then when you think I’m upset or mad I still try to tell you I’m not.

Context: I have a problem with asking if he's upset or mad and overapoligizing. He has said this makes him feel like he's doing something wrong. I've limited asking this lately and did last night because his tone was off.

Me: I'm sorry, i had just woken up and I didn't know it was an urgent matter. I got ready and ate and called later because of my dad, but that doesn't excuse it. I'm sorry and from now on Ill check up earlier.

Him: Even though everything is bad for me I always try and let you know I love you

Me: I see. Thankyou for doing that. replies to bit about me asking if he's upset Wdym?

Him: I feel terrible because your always asking if I’m upset and it makes me feel like I’m not doing enough.

Me: Imnsorey. That's a bad habit I'm trying to quit. In my head I never mean it to insinuate that, its usually my own insecurity and Im sorry for that.

Him: When you ask that it feels like you don’t care, you know I’m in a bad place but then you ask a question like that. It just makes me sad

Me: I will try to work on that, thank you for telling me how you feel

Him: okay, thanks

Me: Anything else baby? Do u feel listened to rn

Him: idk. just lmk when we are gonna play the game

By this whole Conversation, I know there is things I need to fix. I feel like a POS low-key, but Im going to try and work on things in a mature way and non-self-depricatingly. Something does feel off though. Opinions?