I don't know how I feel in my friendship anymore; I couldn't tell you If I enjoy it or dislike it. I apologies for my bad writing, let me begin.

I have this friend, let's call her Lila. She's autistic and very bad with change, on top of this she is severely depressed and has some disabilities, this causes some limitations and things to consider in our friendship. I try to listen and do my best to be what she needs. I know I can't be there in person as much as she wants, but I try to respond and listen to her always. A way to think of it is, high maintenance friend and a medium/low maintenance friend. She thrives on being social and needs those hangouts and get togethers. I am the opposite, I do not thrive, but I do love my friends and love hanging out. I am a very busy person; I don't own a car, and I have a full-time job. Not only does she want to hang out several days a month (3-4), but I can't afford that many days. I have told her this and we came to an agreement that 2 or 3 if I can, will work. I know I have cancelled hangouts in the past and so she believes I'm a flaky friend, not only has she said this to me but also others. This makes me feel so awful and I feel like I am failing my friend.

I've gotten some messages from her saying what I could do to make her feel more loved and make her feel that I truly love her and want her. Here is some of the list (I do not agree with all of it)

Words of Affirmation: She feels I do not say enough or use enough towards her. In my defense, I have said countless times that I am not that comfortable saying I love you, but I still make sure to rarely say "I love you", most time I say, "you're doing great" "I'm so proud of you", "I'm so glad you are my friend". I felt and meant all of those, but I don't think this count as what she means.

Get togethers: She wants more socialization that I can't give her. I know I have cancelled several times and maybe wasn't too clear on my reasons, but I always make sure I say, "Hey I can't do this" or "Hey something happened, and I have to cancel". I know that I made the mistake of not asking to reschedule like 5 times, but I usually don't have the time to fit it in again. I feel I'm the A hole for not making time for my own friend. I know she hates change and deals with it badly, but genuinely there is nothing I could do to change it since I rely on someone else to take me places.

Not being emotionally there: I really suck with emotional things; I say the wrong things and do the wrong things. She has said countless times about how fed up she is with my responses and reactions to her being in a severely depressed state or a spiral. I agree on this, I really suck but I try my best and I'm always there even if it's in a really weird way. I know how bad it must feel to have your own friend fail at helping you.

I feel like maybe high maintenance and medium/low maintenance friends just don't work out. I've tried fixing things and making it better, but she never sees it. But yet I feel I am still not doing anything, I think I am, but I really am not changing anything I do. I even said maybe we shouldn't continue to be friends, but she wants to continue, and I am happy with that but more and more I slowly realize maybe it isn't working out at all and is toxic. I never complain about how I feel about it since it always makes her sad. I do my best to keep her happy and do what she needs and be what she needs but instead I feel it's one sided. I know she does a lot for me but not even I see that. I know she drives to me or plans things, but I feel that's the only things I lack. but to her that is the tip of the iceberg or things I lack in this friendship. I can't help but think I should break it and just end it, even though we both really love each other. She feel's its one sided and that I never make her feel loved, but for me I feel I'm failing so bad and I'm slowly having more negative thoughts about this relationship. I know if you heard the other side, you would think I'm and a hole. Considering she only says the issues are with me and that I don't make enough time or give my friends enough time, I can't help but think that she is right about me being flaky and me being the issue. She Know's she has stuff to fix, and I do not know what I am doing or need to work on, but even then, to me her issues she's working on are all trauma and things for herself, but my issues as things I'm doing to her. I feel slightly angry that she doesn't consider things I have said to her, biggest one being I hate "venting" or super long depressive paragraphs. But yet I still wake up to it. I do not complain anymore since I can deal with it, I can tolerate this all. But I hate myself for making someone feel this bad and I hate myself for still not knowing what my issue is. AITAH for this. AM I an asshole for treating my friend like this?