Pretty much as the title describes. I had a falling out with one of my best friends that I've known since beginning of middle school, round age 12? To be completely honest I wasn't a great person I was super jealous and insecure and kind of entitled. I had undiagnosed autism which most likely affected the way I saw things and treated people but regardless that doesn't excuse the way I treated my so called friends at the time. I would berate them, purposely bully them in small ways to lower their confidence and self image, id use them a mule e.i make them get my lunch, hold my bags ect.

Towards the ends of our friendship I stopped hanging out with them and when I tried to rekindle our relationship they said hey this isn't working out and we shouldn't be friends and they blocked me and that was that. It's been three years since then and I've changed, like a lot a lot. I got diagnosed w autism, dropped almost all my friends except 3, met new friends and I would like to say I'm no longer that mean controlling girl that would gossip about anyone and anything. I did a lot of self reflection and I realized I wasn't a good friend, to anyone, so it's no surprise my ex best friend dropped me. Don't get me wrong they werent perfect either they were really insecure and controlling for a friend and we just didn't click but it's not about who was wrong or right it's about the fact that I was genuinely a bad person and I feel awful that I've never once apologized to them.

I keep having these nightmares where I see them randomly and they're doing great in life and I'm just same old me, still jealous and loathing. I get to apologize in the dream and then I wake up and I just have this pit in my stomach and it makes me want to reach for my phone and apologize. But then I don't because I feel like I should let bygones be bygones and it was just a part of my life I should forget by now. I truly want to move on from that part of my life because its not who I am today and despite the guilt I feel I have no intention of rekindling our friendship afterwords.

Would I be the asshole to randomly text them an apology or ask to meet up and apologize because I would suddenly be barging into their life and what gives me the right to disturb them after 3 years of radio silence. Advice would be greatly appreciated..